Today. I wanna answer a question that somebody sent through on my Instagram stories: Any
tips on how to handle tough conversations with your partner? I'm gonna be going through
what foundations my husband and I personally set for tough conversations and how we work
through disagreements without fighting. If we haven't met yet, my name is Lucy. I
am your married, AF relationship coach, and I'm here to help you build a not boring marriage.
I think life is way too short for mediocre marriages, so every week I'm going to be sharing
tips and advice on how to build long lasting, emotional intimacy and connection with your
husband. If you like this video, you can hit subscribe in the corner at any time, and then
once you're finished watching, come and say hi on Instagram @lucybekker_ . Firstly, it's
so important to reiterate that tough conversations are always going to come up and it's not a
reflection of how much you and your husband love each other. It's what you do next that
actually matters. Now, when I think about what makes my marriage so epic, and I say
that completely not ironically, I absolutely am obsessed with my marriage.
It's not that we go on trips. It's not that we, you know, have this house and we are doing
it up. It's not that we are an exceptionally good looking Instagram couple. We don't have
fancier cars or careers than people our age. It's that we are 100% open and 100% reciprocal
in our energy. We hold nothing back from each other. We don't edit our love when other people
are around and we are all over each other all the time, regardless of who happens to
be there. And there's no deep dark corner of my heart that he doesn't know about and
vice versa. And learning how to be this open and vulnerable is the foundation for tough
conversations and all of that other amazing life building stuff that I mentioned. So rather
than working together to build all of these things like the career, the trips, the whatever,
we start with communication and openness, and then everything else just kind of falls
into place around it. And this means learning to have tough conversations
before they come up. So here we go, here is how me and my husband personally work through
tough conversations. So firstly, Carl and I prime each other when we have something
difficult that we want to talk about. We usually say something like, Hey, real talk, which
translates to, Hey, I need your attention. This is important. I need you to hear what
I'm about to say. Which usually means, you know, like put down your phone, I need you
to hear this. Or we'll ask to set up a date night and like go out for a drink to talk
about something, like we do this with money chats a lot because money chats are always
better with a glass of wine in your hand. so by priming each other or setting
up a specific time to talk about something, both of us have time to collect our thoughts
and feelings. And neither of us feel jumped or attacked
when the other person wants to say something, we very rarely have tough conversations in
real time. And it's kind of an ongoing trope that when somebody says, "Hey, we need to
talk" that the other person spends the whole day freaking out and like, oh my gosh, something's
about to go really wrong. so usually we will give each other the heads up on the
topic of the conversation like, Hey, can we talk about X, specific thing later? You know,
when we have more time or mental space for each other and not just hitting them with
this foreboding, Hey, we need to talk. That is some sitcom level B.S. That I don't have
time for. Just say what you want to say. Next, we usually give each other permission to not
talk about something. We are not "never go to bed angry" people.
If one of us isn't ready to talk about something. We don't talk about it yet. So if, for example,
I notice because I'm his wife, that Carl is a bit more closed off. He's a little
bit more distant. And I ask, Hey, what's up? He would normally say something like, yep,
this is what I'm thinking. I'm not ready to talk about it yet. Let's meet back tomorrow,
later, after work, over a drink, like I'm just trying to figure out my own thoughts
and feelings before I bring it up to you. That way I know that a, the conversation is
coming, which is that priming I was talking about. And B I know that he is not withholding
love and affection in the meantime, I know that he's not being purposefully distant from
me. And this is actually a healthy parenting tip! Learning how to have difficult conversations
or like disciplining a child without withholding love and basic needs can be applied to adults
as well. So giving your partner permission to not speak
if they aren't ready also means that conversations very rarely end in an explosive fight because
we are waiting until we have more of an emotional energy reserve. Disclaimer, this only works
if you and your partner have reciprocal communication. Like if your husband or your wife is especially
closed off And doesn't like to talk about things this is a completely different video
that I could talk about forever. Like you have to backtrack a little bit and open up
communication and find questions that actually open that door rather than the person intentionally
holding onto things. So I asked Carl his thoughts on this question as well. And he said, it's
important to make the conversation about what's actually wrong. So rather than it being about
your spouse not being good enough, or there being something wrong with your spouse. This
has the same energy as being together against the problem, not the person.
And this is a big reason why we use the first two techniques I just went through because
if you give your partner time and space to collect their thoughts, they can identify
what's actually bothering them. For example, your partner spends money out of the joint
expenses account without discussing it first. And you have a baseline rule that for big
expenses, you talk to the other person before spending it. If you're working against the
problem and you give yourself a couple of days to think about it instead of getting
really angry that they've done it and letting yourself be super triggered by that. In this
example, it's I'm not angry that you spent that money without asking me, I'm not trying
to control everything, I don't need to be in control of every single dollar. In reality,
it's that I feel financially unstable right this second.
And you spending that makes me feel like we are not financially stable. And so what I
actually need is for us to put more money into savings this week so that I feel more
comfortable financially. And you can see that this is a completely different outcome to
that tough conversation. Lastly, I would always remind you how important it is to know what
you personally need to feel loved and safe in a difficult conversation and set ground
rules in advance. It seems kind of unsexy and little bit, like "meta" to discuss how
you're going to discuss things, but saying this stuff out loud means you're both on the
same page when the time comes. And this is what I mean about having reciprocal energy
for each other. Like just as an example, Carl and I would never bring up past hurts or arguments
in a current argument. We move through things as they happen for
as long as it takes and then let it go. So it can't be held over somebody's head in a
future conversation. Like you've either let it go or you haven't. So we work through it
until we've let it go. And we also have the ground rule that anything is up for discussion
or negotiation in the right setting. Either of us can talk about anything without judgment.
Thank you so much for watching another one of my videos. If you have a question similar
to the one that I answered in this video, come and follow me on Instagram @lucybekker_
and make sure you subscribe to my channel for more not-boring marriage advice. Bye!