Sometimes divorce just happens even though you didn't intend it but today,
how to stop divorce and save your marriage?
Folks, we're back with Larry Bilotta, who's been on another episode here talking
about what destroys a marriage. Today, as we get into... alright, how do I stop a
divorce and save my marriage? Larry, when we talked before, we talked about how
sometimes the programming is that, "you have to stay together and stay miserable."
And I have to tell you I'm not a fan. I'm not a fan of the misery part of that
equation. That's right but that's what happens when mom and dad stayed married.
To stay miserable but there's a lot of combinations of call marriages go. Yeah
but the big story that I want your your viewers to really catch is that
there's a tornado like structure to America. Like the tornadoes
when it spins in the beginning of he problems. Seem like they're just isolated
problems and then it gets tighter and tighter and tighter. And what's happening
is the chaos of childhood is literally forming the tale of the tornado. And so
what is this whole childhood thing so chaostic? The chaos
thing is if you ended up marrying a chaos kid or you are a chaos kid or
you're a chaos kid who married a chaos kid. That means both of you have troubling
childhoods. Which means three things - abandonment, abuse and neglect. And I say
abandoned, abuse, neglect, I mean physical and emotional.
I saw all three of those and physical emotional versions. So what the
big thing that is very hard for people to accept is my childhood is still here.
It's still operating. It's in my subconscious mind. It's still here. Don't
think it's the past. It's not the past. It's like the final record. It gets
engraved and it once it's engraved, it sits there like a pattern. All you have
to do is put it in a player and now it's going to play the same song that was
recorded in 1945. So you have to know that your childhood which was recorded
in those so $55,000, ten years of waking time, you
were exposed to your parents instructions being poured in and
boarding pouring it in and out, see it's not a memory that's passed, it's a memory
that's recorded. That's what you want to think of. This is recorded things and I
sometimes land. I know where that is but but it's there. I'm carrying around
with it right? So now all I need to do as I fall in love and I get married and
when we think about what we want, is we want a normal man. We want a normal one.
So the man wants a normal woman. And a normal woman is a woman who has the
guy start. So I have your heart and what happens when I have your heart? When I
have your heart you are my number one priority.
I think about you first. I consider you first. I talk to you first. I want to make
you first. You have my heart. Now what happens in divorces. I lose the heart. I
don't have the heart anymore and when I don't have the heart anymore, now you're
not the priority. You're not my first buck. you're not my first consideration.
You're my last consideration. I need to know you.
you're an irritation to me. See when the hearts gone? The divorce happens.
It's done and what happens is there's two divorces. There's the first divorce
and the second divorce. And the first divorce is the day you lose your heart.
So the guy loses the girl's heart, he doesn't even know it happened. It's
quiet. It's just boom she lost! She just doesn't have it anymore. He's not a
priority here anymore but he doesn't notice. He doesn't even know what he's
seen. There's no matter interpreting if the woman loses a man's heart. She
doesn't know. He's just lost his heart. He's not connected to her anymore. There
is no importance now. I don't have to check with her, I don't have to think
about her and care about it's all gone right? That's the first divorce.
The second divorce is divorce everybody gets upset about. That's when you go down
to the courthouse. To sort out custody and assets. And everybody's all worked up
about that but that's not an issue. The court house will give
you a divorce this month and then they'll give you a marriage license next
month. You know they don't care. The big deal is the day you lose the heart. That
day you lose the hardest. The day the divorce actually happens. And so the
question is, can I stop the process of losing the heart? Can I stop the process?
Alright, so what is the job? What's our job? Our job is to win our hearts again.
That's our job - to win our hearts again. A- G- A- I- N, don't think about the first
time you won the heart that was an easy job.
By that you don't even know how you did it right but this is the job of winning
the heart again. In order to win the heart again, you have to think in terms
of, "well, why did I? What am I losing his or her heart?
why am I losing? because the child chaos is ripping the intimacy apart. That's the
reason you're losing the heart because what does intimacy really is I trust
you and I enjoy you. That's really intimacy. And so if you have intimacy I
trust you and I enjoy you, what's happening to it when when the childhood
cast is coming and banging away at the marriage?
You're losing that trust. You and you're losing that I enjoy you. So in order to
stop that process, you have to start to consider this chaos purpose
scale. The chaos purpose scale illustrates where you will race. Best place, the
purpose home. The middle place called "the twilight zone"
and then the chaos area from 50 to zero right? Once you learn that the more pain
you're given, the more abandonment abuse that I got here given, the more you're
stored with abandonment abuse and it's going to be dished out on to your spouse.
But it's not going to be dished out if the two of you realize that the more we
talk about our childhoods,the weaker the childhood gets, the less we talk about
our childhood is the more powerful and face if the childhood gets. Okay so let's talk
about childhood. More ugly. More talk about childhood, more relief. That's a
very simple idea. Talk about your childhood. Talk about the stories of what
your mom did to you. What your dad did you like scary things that happen to you.
Things that terrifies you. The more you talk about that with each other, the more
this whole system down there in the subconscious mind weakens. And this is
not something you do in one day. This conversation needs to go on literally
for a month. You know that's a lot of what turned
Marcia and I run. Marcia and I started to talk about our childhoods in depth
and it went on for years. And that's one of the reasons why we're
43 years and a whole lot happier than we were. Yeah this is brilliant
because what I just envisioned is that all this is in the basement. Causing
all that noise and disruption. You don't... yeah, we're turning on the lights. We're
bringing it up out of the basement. It's some mystical whoo-whoo.
process that you know, oh you talked about your childhood and everything it's
better. It's becoming aware. Bringing it to the conscious so that now you can
actually do something about it and have some choice in what direction you're
going to steer it from this point. So a simple illustration of how that would
look is, I need to be on time. Famous thing right with couples?I need to be on
time. Well tell me a story in your childhood about where that came from.
Tell me sorry about that bill. Tell me a story about 20 bad time and so Bill goes
"huh well I never thought about it but my father was a fanatic about time. He had a
lot of clocks. There's clocks all over the place and then when mother
was late, oh man he was just browbeat her and you would complain and the remote
and gripe and then he ruined the whole family vacation. If we were on our own
time. So there's the story, right? Yeah. Well what's not a story in Bill's
subconscious, is dad's imprint about time. Alright, so what happens when his
wife is late? As entire system turns on, right? But what happens when Bill starts
to talk about that details. How dad did it right back in the 40's or 60's
so that whenever that was. What happens? It starts to weaken. So just talking
about the dad behavior is that what it was like, in the little quirkiness of how
dad was time obsessed. He was obsessed with time and why? You go back into his
childhood you'll find out why, right? Not necessary to do that
but all Susan, his wife needs to learn, is that
Bill's father was a time, on time fanatic and today, Bill is an on time fanatic
right? And this you take I'm using the thing called being late and time has one
issue but how many issues are there in America? There's thousands. Thousands upon
thousands of issues and what are those issues? All come up the first ten years.
So we have to take those issues one at a time and say, "they feel, why are you so
upset? When I don't put mayonnaise on your sandwich?" Like this is how little it
can be right? You forget to put
mayonnaise on my sandwich and I get so furious when you don't put mayonnaise
on my sandwich. And I tell you when I tell you, tell...you don't do it right? Now
Susan didn't put mayonnaise on Bill's sandwich, So bill says, "tell me a
childhood story about why you don't put mayonnaise on my sandwich." And so she goes,
"I never thought about it before." And now she tells the story about her mother and
sandwiches. Uh-uh, yeah. So this is how rich the conversation gets. And
the richer and the deeper the conversation gets, the closer the people
become. Why? because they start to feel safer. Because now this child in turmoil
is now being discussed, it's being weakened, lowered and then couple starts
to get relieved. I'll see you do that because your father
did... You do that because your mother wouldn't put mayonnaise on dad's sandwich.
Oh is that why you did it? Is that why? Is that why? Is that why? Now we know
why and see that's the beginning of the healing process and ideally we want that
to happen before you lose the heart, of the person you once loved, Before you
lose the heart. That's the time to begin this. And I like to say, give yourself
a year to talk this through. That's really good way to think about. Give
yourself years so it's not a quick flash in the pan. Hey have this conversation
and everything's all fixed. That's right. It's not at one conversation thing
because you can't remember all of the variety of the stories. They had to come
back to you and that takes time. So you need current events to bring up the
subject and then you need to go back in time and remember. And that takes time
and lots of events had to happen for you just to have the events and the memory
in the event and then are you constantly bringing then take a year to do that.
What we're doing... It's a breathing productive thing to do. It's raising the
awareness of the programming. You've mentioned programming. If we get programmed,
trained, taught, educated to perceive our life and our relationships in a certain
way, we're bringing that to our awareness through these conversations and then
when it's in our awareness, we can actually do something else with it.
Yes, because when you think about what happens to you, you're in an intimate
relationship conversation. Here's my intimate relationship. She and I,
are now in an intimate conversation about what? Well, we're talking about an
absenting events. But we're just talking about them setting event. We're talking
about the origin of why it's upsetting. That's what couples aren't doing. They
aren't doing that. Here and say, "the reason I am so upset that you don't put
mayonnaise on my sandwich is because when my father didn't get his mayonnaise
on his sandwich, he would really torment my mother. And now here I am, doing the
exact same thing my dad did when he doesn't get mayonnaise on his sandwich. Now,
I don't want to be this way. I wish I wasn't this way but man that
subconscious thing just takes me over and I can't even help it." Right? well now
she's got to have compassion for it. She's got to go, "oh so your father's program is
making you upset." "Yeah and I don't even like it." And then people say, "I think I
want to be that, I don't want to be this bad?" They don't. Who does right? Yeah. Focus
off of blame you know, where they're blaming each other.
Well it's because you're not putting mayonnaise on my sandwich and that's why I'm so
upset. Yeah. Well, it's okay let's see if we can
get a little deeper into the programming and maybe start to practice a new
pattern. But in movies and television shows they have a thing called "the
origin story" and everybody loves the the origin story. And so that's
really what we're doing here. We're doing what movies do. We're telling the origin
story. Finally, we're telling the origin story but rather was just telling some
broad-brush view of my past, We're now taking a current event and tying it to a
childhood memory. For in event types a childhood memory and it takes time for
that to happen and that's okay. Take your time. Take a year but don't divorce. For
crying out loud don't divorce. What you're doing is you're putting... your
creating a permanent solution to a temporary problem. That's what the horse
is. It's a permanent solution to a temporary problem and the problem is
temporary because you could have talked through and discovered all these
childhood memories. Weaken that dark energy and freed yourself from it but in
doing it together. And you know what I keep finding?
I keep finding the people who don't do this. They don't ever talk this
through, ever. And so what I always start in literally every conversation, "so tell
me about your dad? What was he like when you were a kid?" I have this phrase over
and over and over again. And so I get the person's memory and I'll talk about this
one, if I'm talking to Bill and so bill will tell me, "I don't really know much
about her mother and father. I never really talked." You've been married 17
years. "Yeah it just never came up." Yeah. 17 years. You never talked about
childhood and tell who she is? "No, it just never came up." But that's the kind of relationships
that these couples have and they expect to stay married? You're not going to stay married.
You're just not. And when that chaos comes out of here some kinds of time but
it's going to beat up your intimacy, you're not going to have any intimacy left. You're
not going to enjoy each other, you're not going to trust each other, it's going to be
old. Because it has to be. Because this is the arm.. Didn't do anything about it. Yeah. So
there's hop?. No, there's not hope there's a plan. You
people talk, "is there you hope for my marriage?" Is there any hope for my marriage?"
Let's forget hope. Hope is not a plan. Hope is not a plan. A plan is, "let's do this
because there's a real reason to do it." That's a better plan. Hope is not a plan
but people are real content with hope. "I hope I'm going to win the lottery." You know.
No, hope's without a plan. So get a plan.Yeah, yeah rather thing "is there any hope?,"
Say, "is there any plan?" That's really a better question. Is there any
plan. Right. And so I had laid all this out in this marriage tornado
article I wrote and it spelled all this out in detail. And you know, if you want
to kind of be slapped up in the face, bring the marriage tornado because it'll start
to really wake you up a lot. "Wow! I don't have idea." As what people tell me all the time.
"I had no idea this was, give like I never heard of this before."
Ah well, we'll include a link to that in the description below folks so that you
can see what Larry's talking about there. The marriage tornado. Yes that's
the full explanation. The quick explanation is the chaos suburban scale
where were you raised. And the lower you raise on the scale, the short of your
marriage is going to be. And if you do nothing, the short of your marriage is
going to be. Right. And so they've been you know what this the reason this is
such a non-viral idea and people don't want to spread this is because I
think the question is, "am I really free to choose" If this program you can take
me over like this, am I really free the choose? And if you don't get to
the source and start dealing with it that those are rewards and stories that
start to really spell them out and spell them out together, so you start realizing,
"I'm not treating you with this way Bill because I hate you. I'm treating you
this way because I'm programmed and treated this way.
I don't like being this way. I want you to help me help you to not treat you
this way." And that's really what free will looks
like. Free will is I know I've got this origin and ugliness but I'm not going to
bring it into our relationship if we can help it so let's talk it through. Let's
tell the stories. Let's tell origin stories and so we could start to
separate our childhood pain from our adult lives. Yeah doesn't that sound?
You know what Larry, sometimes I tell my clients, until you see it as a choice,
it's not. We're just rolling. Can we do something about it? Absolutely. Until
we see it as a choice, it's not. And that's why this is so important to
bring it to our awareness, to have the conversations, to acknowledge and admit
as painful as that might be, that yes we have been programmed. Okay.
I think of the one of the thing about this programming is none of it is your
fault. You're not even sure it's your fault . You're a little kid, they drop all these stuff
into you. You didn't choose that. That's not your choice right? And now
it's in here. All the records are stored and now they're playing. They're playing
on their own. It's not your fault. Yeah not your fault at all. So there's no
judgment or condemnation in you know you're not part of you the way your
mother and father treated you. You should put a car to that and yet kids they take
blame/ You know they think a lot of blame like, "maybe it was my fault in my parents
divorce." Well you're talking some goods - maybe this is go
viral, who knows? Hearing that. I appreciate your
sharing that today here at Live on Purpose TV. What wise words and
counsel and like I said folks, down in the description below you'll get some
links to the documents that Larry was referring to earlier on the marriage
tornado. The chaos purpose scale. You're doing some good work. Thank you sir. Thank
you.
Larry Bilotta he's got a lot of really great ideas and I hope that this can
help you with your marriage. If you've got other ideas, share them down below so
that we can have that conversation.
I saw standing in the street alone alone