-Welcome back, everybody.
We're hanging out with Martin Short!
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Thank you!
Thank you so much! Thank you so much!
That is -- Ouch!
-It is time.
We're hanging out with Martin Short.
It is time for "Short Stories with Martin Short."
-♪ "Short Stories with
♪ Martin Short" ♪
-We're going to take turns hitting this button here,
which is gonna generate a random topic.
We'll each will tell a short story from our lives
about that topic.
Martin, since you're the guest, you will go first.
Go ahead and press the button.
Let's see what topic we will be discussing.
[ Beeping ]
-Okay, do you have a story about...
meeting your heroes?
-Yes. In 1979, I went to my -- the first Golden Globes,
first time I'd ever been to an award show.
I was 29. And I was in a TV show.
And I went over,
and there was Al Pacino sitting there.
[ Gasps ] I went over there. I went over there.
And I was in a tux.
And I went, "Mr. Pacino, I just -- My name is Martin Short.
I just want to say to you that you are the pinnacle to actors.
You are the greatest genius and you are an inspiration."
And he went, "Thanks.
Um, I ordered a Stoli about 10 minutes ago.
I'm wondering if you could --"
He thought I was the waiter. He thought I was the waiter.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Okay. You know what I'm going to do?
I'm going to tell the story about --
I met you at a "Saturday night Live"
after party.
[ Audience "Awws" ]
-Well, you're going -- You're going to win.
-I'm very competitive.
But I remember meeting you at an after party,
and I didn't know what to say to you.
I was so nervous.
And so, what I did was,
I just stared at you from across the room
for the whole party.
And I just kept looking.
And then you'd look over or something.
And you were with Nancy, your beautiful wife.
And you just -- You looked over, and I'd be like that or,
like [Chuckles] "Hi," you know, or whatever.
And then, eventually, I think you just said --
-No, Nancy said, "Should we invite the puppy dog over?"
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
-And she brought me over, and I was like,
"I love you.
I love everything about you. I love that."
I was doing lines from "I, Martin Short, Goes Hollywood."
I was, like, reciting lines from your bits.
-I remember that vividly. -Alright, good. Okay, yeah.
That was a time when you -- -That's a good one.
-Next topic. Here we go. -Do it.
[ Beeping ]
-I hope I have a story about this.
-Oh!
-Now, I've never met you in The White House,
so this won't be about you.
-Yeah.
I met George W. Bush the first time
I'd been to The White House.
And I was very nervous.
And he came in and he took my hand and he said,
"Welcome to this house."
And then he went, "Welcome to this house."
And when he turned, he was completely cross-eyed,
because his eyes were very close.
So it was, "Welcome to this house."
[ Cheers and applause ]
Way too close.
-I can't top that one.
Okay. That's a good one.
I went to The White House.
I got invited to do stand-up, open up for the Foo Fighters
on the Fourth of July, outside on the East Lawn, for veterans.
And I went there.
And I went and I was so nervous to meet the president.
It was Obama.
Barack Obama and Michelle Obama. And I got so nervous.
I said, "I'm going to bring my best suit."
And my best suit -- it was a three-piece suit.
So I wore a three-piece suit. It was the Fourth of July.
Probably maybe 100, 105 degrees.
-Yeah. Right. Exactly.
-And I'm getting there and I am just sweating.
It is a disaster.
And I'm there, and the Foo Fighters
get off their thing and they're wearing board shorts.
And they're like, "Hey, Jimmy. Man, you're hot."
And I go, "Yeah, man.
I'm ready to meet the president, you know?"
I'm, like, trying not to pass out.
And, so, I do my bit. I'm just totally just drenched.
And I -- Finally, they make you wait on line
to go get your picture taken with
the First Lady and the president.
-Right.
-And I'm waiting on line to go see
the president and the First Lady, and I finally --
I finally get up to the front of the thing,
and I'm just a disaster.
And they both start laughing at me.
And Michelle Obama loosens my tie,
and she's like, "Oh, my God, you must be hot."
And I go...
And then I'm just -- She said I looked like
I was gonna pass out.
And I looked at the president and I go --
He goes, "Jimmy, didn't you get the memo?
It's a barbecue."
[ Cheers and applause ]
Let's get to our final topic.
This last round is worth 1,000 points.
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Beeping ]
-[ Stutters ]
-Tom Hanks.
Oh, can I tell -- I'll tell my Tom Hanks story first?
-Yeah.
By the way, it's pronounced "Tom Hank."
The "S" is silent.
Very few people about it. Go ahead.
[ Laughter ] -Oh, my gosh.
Does that count as your story?
-It should, but it won't.
-Tom Hanks was nice enough to cast me in
"Band of Brothers," an amazing miniseries on HBO.
-So he'd seen "Fever Pitch."
[ Laughter ]
-No. He'd not seen any of my work up until that moment.
-Oh, okay.
-And, so, we're doing this. And it's World War II.
And it's a really amazing miniseries, if you ever see it.
So, I'm in one of the episodes. I have one line.
I go like, "Good luck, boys." You know?
And I have to pull up in a Jeep. And I go, "Great."
And he goes, "Do you know how to drive stick?"
I go, "I don't.
I don't know how to drive automatic.
I'm terrible."
He's like, "Alright, let's learn how to do it.
It's a World War II Jeep." I go, "Okay."
So, you got to go in,
you got to put it and make sure it's in neutral,
push in the clutch, turn it on, turn the thing,
start it up, put it in first, get rid of the clutch
as you push the gas and take off.
Again, I have one line, okay?
So I go -- Okay, so, it took me like
an hour to do this thing, you know?
And it's just awful.
It's just ruining the buzz and everything.
So I finally figured out how to go and how to get going.
And, so, I'm going.
And Tom is like, "Okay, this is a disaster."
I go, "Just drive around, figure it out."
He goes, "Because we're going to wait for nightfall
for your scene."
I go, "We're doing this at night?"
So now I've got to turn headlights on, okay?
So, somehow, they figured it out so the stunt double or
someone drives the Jeep down and does my Jeep driving.
So, then I'm in the thing, and I've got to do my lines.
This is my camera. I go, "Good luck, boys."
And then I go, "Click, on, neutral, thing, clutch,
thing, headlights, on, like, good luck."
And awful. It couldn't be worse, right?
So, then -- Wait. So it's terrible.
So they go, "Cut!"
Tom's like, "Everything okay, buddy?
All good?"
I go, "Yeah, I just don't know how to drive --"
And there's 200 extras, and soldiers were walking around.
And I go, "I'm totally embarrassed."
He goes, "Here's what you do.
Say your line, press the clutch,
and I'm going to have someone push the Jeep
out of the frame," okay?
So I go, "Okay, great."
So, I go there, and I'm so nervous.
You know, I'm nervous. I'm gonna do the thing.
And I got, you know, fake dirt on my face and all this stuff,
and I'm wearing a hat.
I'm a soldier. And I go, "Good luck, boys."
And I forget to press the clutch,
which means the wheels won't move.
So there's two guys pushing the Jeep.
Pushing the Jeep.
And if you -- My face is going...
[ Cheers and applause ]
...out of the frame.
-Oh, that's good.
-And if you watch the miniseries,
they added Jeep sound effects.
So, I go, "Good luck, boys," and you hear...
[ Imitates engine revving ]
Alright. And I've never worked with him since.
So, thank you. No. That's my Tom Hanks story.
-That's a good story. -He was very nice.
-That's a good story.
-It's a decent story.
-My story is that Tom, Steve Martin,
and our friend Walter Parkes and I
do a once-every-four-year or -three-year
colonoscopy party.
We go to Steve's house,
and it's all set very formally with, like, the barium.
And then we toast each other.
We call it "Colonoscopy Eve."
It's the night before. -Of course.
-And we toast each other. And... [ Gargling ]
And then Tom says, "Why make that noise?
Just drink it."
And then, you know -- Then we play poker
or, you know -- you know, there's some,
you know, "Pam & Tommy."
You know, Steve's taped stuff that we can watch.
And...
And then -- And here's -- And then we sleep all together.
They're, like, bunk beds, like The Stooges -- one bed.
And here's the thing about Steve.
You'd think, with his wealth, he wouldn't have one bathroom.
So, but he -- And so, by midnight,
it looks like day 15 of a Carnival Cruise,
you know, that bathroom.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-You are the greatest.
Martin Short. -Aw, come on.
-He's the winner. And you are a great storyteller.
I just wanted to trick you into telling stories.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-I love you.
-Martin Short.
"Only Murders in the Building,"
Season 2 finale airs this Tuesday on Hulu.
We're talking to Juno Temple after the break.
Stick around.