I had a really big birthday during the lockdown.
I accidentally turned 40 (laugh.
(audience cheering) Thanks.
Oh my God, thank you.
They might actually edit that out 'cause I think
it's illegal to say on Comedy Central, if you're a woman.
(audience laughing)
I turned 40, I feel pretty good.
I don't know, it's going fine.
I always wanted to be 40 when I.
Truly I thought when you were at
that if you turned 40, all your dreams have come true
and you're living your best lif.
And then in the middle of 2020, I was telling jokes
in parking lots and selling pictures of my feet online.
Not the birthday of my dreams.
Sometimes people think I'm youn.
I don't mean to assume, but if that was you, thank you,
but I don't have any fucking skincare tips for you.
I drink a ton of water and I don't have kids
and I've never been awake in the morning before.
(audience laughing)
So, very good for your skin.
I am treating my wrinkles thoug,
I will be honest with you guys.
I'm using kind of a natural filler that's new to Los Angeles
and it's called just staying fat
and nobody fucking tries it the.
(audience applauding)
It's cheap, it's non-invasive.
You can pretty much do it with
a charcuterie plate at night right before bed.
(audience laughing)
Yo make sure you floss though,
'cause that prosciutto gets fucking stuck in there
and nobody wants to sleep with a ham mouth,
you know what I mean? (audience laughing)
(laughs) This is true and it's so sad but as soon as I said
on stage for the first time that I was 40 out loud,
I got messages from several women who do comedy
and they were like, "Oh no, don't fucking say it".
They were like, "It's gonna affect your career".
I was like, again, jokes in parking lots, pictures of feet.
We're all gonna die soon,
what career am I fucking protec?
Also here's my thing, even if Iy
that I was 40 y'all would figurt
'cause I do 40 year old shit.
Yes, sometimes you will still find me putting
a long post on Facebook.
(audience laughing)
That's old bitch behavior you all know that, right?
(audience laughing)
Cause the young people are now communicating
only in dance moves.
(audience laughing)
So if you're putting paragraphs on social media,
your life is almost over, I don't know what to tell you.
Oh my God, I do so much 40 year.
I'm really getting into rings (.
(audience laughing)
Just a lot.
I've been to many Counting Crow.
(audience cheering)
Thank you, my favorite album keeps changing,
that's so embarrassing.
Sir, what's your favorite Counting Crows album?
1, 2, 3, go.
- Don't know any. (audience laughing)
- To be fair, I did ask a black.
(audience laughing)
I think the most 40 year old thing I do is I have
a special word for when I've had so much white wine
I wanna get in a fist fight.
It's just chard and angry and y'all can use that.
Champ-angry if you're at a wedding or a Bar Mitzvah.
(audience laughing)
Just if you ever see me slamming white wine,
you better get the fuck out of .
'Cause I'm either gonna hit you or cry (laughs).
By the way, if anybody in here with titties was...
(audience member wooing)
Oh yeah (laughs). (audience laughing)
You're just wooing that you have tits, that's fucking dope.
(audience laughing)
Well, this is the perfect questu
'cause I see what's going on hee
and you're so fucking gorgeous.
But I've had a hard adjustment getting back
into regular life after being trapped inside
for so many months because, fuc.
(audience applauding)
And you're already... (audience applauding)
You've been saying no your whol,
and I really appreciate that 'cause fuck bras.
Remember when we were just at home swinging?
Just flapping around all day.
Sir, you looked so wistful when I said that.
Do you live with someone with titties? (laughs)
(audience laughing)
Did you visit some people with ?
(audience laughing)
Weren't those pandemic fucks fun when you're like,
"I'm not supposed to be here". )
(audience laughing)
And we were like,
"I'm not putting on real clothes or makeup".
By the way that is how you know my true age
is if I took this bra off, you'd be like, "Oh 1980, yeah.
Those are Reagan titties for sure." (laughs)
(audience laughing)
A couple of trickle down tits (.
(audience laughing)
I used to care too, I used to be so concerned.
This is the beauty of aging, in my twenties I was like,
"Oh no, my titties are gonna age and they're gonna change,
and people won't like 'em anymo.
Cause I got big ones 'cause God is good but...
(audience laughing)
Listen, all titties are beautiful, but God is also just.
So God was like, "I mean, you're gonna have the big ones,
but it's gonna cost you".
And I was like, "What?"
And God was like, "No lips".
And I'm like, "OK".
(audience laughing)
Rude (laughs). (audience laughing)
So since I have the big ones, I was very concerned
that they were gonna change and get weirder.
People wouldn't like 'em anymorn
with every year that passes, I'm reminded that
I mostly date straight men and y'all are fucking gross.
(audience booing)
Did someone just boo straight men? (laughs)
(audience laughing)
Oh, I love it here.