Disclaimer: There are horrible things that happen in this review, and if you are a
child you should not be watching this.
Cool Cat Saves the Kids is about as amazing as you'd expect from a trailer
like this.
[Erik Estrada] Wow, Vivica. SUCH a beautiful day!
[Vivica A. Fox] Oh it sure is, Erik.
And where is Cool Cat?
[Erik] DERE HE IS!
[Cool Cat] HI EVERYBODY--
[YMS] And don't think I'm not aware that this is an easy target,
but I feel like I needed to even out my channel a little bit
while I'm in the middle of analyzing an intelligent art film.
So here's a nice and healthy dose of stupid.
[Cool Cat] He's about to graffiti our neighbor's wall!
And it's not cool to... [pauses]
... paint on someone's wall!
[YMS] Cool Cat is the creation of a man named Derek Savage,
the writer of such classic pieces of literature like
Sweet Revenge,
The Dancer: A Male Stripper Story
and God's Thunder, an "Awesome story that will amaze you at every page,"
and one that LA review calls "Stephen King meets Left Behind."
His website features his various works of literature for both adults and children.
The same website also proudly displays his history in Playgirl magazine.
I dunno, you'd think that you wouldn't want something like that so easy to
click to from the same place that you can play Cool Cat's fun match game
and watch a cartoon of Trolly the Trout.
It was last year that my good friends at Everything is Terrible
terrible shared a link to the film's trailer on their Facebook page,
and as soon as I watched it all I could think was "Oh god I have to see this movie."
So I quickly bought the Cool Cat movie and book package and I even bought a t-shirt.
And let me tell you, if you're looking to pick up girls,
this shirt is quite the pussy magnet!
[wind blowing]
Now unfortunately, whenever adhesive he used to stick on the label
wore off pretty quick.
So I just peeled the whole thing off and drew my own, fuck it!
With this new interactive Cool Cat DVD,
your child now gets to have fun drawing the label!
So you pop the DVD in and hey look it's everyone's favorite font.
The way he presented these opening credits makes it seem as though
Erik Estrada is playing Cool Cat, but nope Erik Estrada is playing himself
and Cool Cat is played by Cool Cat.
Can't forget to plug the book!
[Derek] Hello everybody.
Hi, I'm Derek, and this is...
[Cool Cat] Hey everybody! I'm Cool Cat!
[Derek] And what would you like to start off with first, Cool Cat?
[Cool Cat] Daddy Derek, let's show 'em our books!
[Derek] Boy, that is just a great idear.
This is our- our- our 8 Cool Cat books,
and you know, when you get the whole entire collection,
It's just like having a [demonic] BIG OL' STACK OF PLAYING CARDS.
And this is "Cool Cat Stops Bullying,"
"Cool Cat Loves Baseball!"
Here's another one, and this is "Cool Cat Loves Wrastling."
Hey, here's "Cool Cat Loves Alternatul Fuels."
And this one right here is "Cool Cat Loves the Soldiers,"
and this particular book stars every branch of our United States-- States military.
What you think about the soldiers, my friend?
[Cool Cat] The soldiers are awesome! They help keep us safe!
[Derek, as narrator] This is a special news report. We have terrible news!
Bullies have been pickin' on children everywhere and it is tragic!
There has to be a way to stop the bullies!
[Girl, horribly echoing] Help! Help! It's everywhere! I'm being bullied!
[YMS] Well if you didn't wanna get bullied then why'd you go to Bully's Diner?
So right at the beginning of the film, it would appear as though Cool Cat's
already solved the bullying crisis.
Maybe these newspapers should have appeared at the end of the movie
and not the beginning of the movie.
Unless there's some non-chronological art film.
Bravo, Savage.
Hey, it's a suburban Los Angeles neighborhood.
You might wanna get your door checked.
Somebody tell Cool Cat there's a man that's trying to break into his house!
[90's-sounding stock music]
[Cool Cat] Wow... this looks great!!
There's the finishing touches, and...
Another one done! Haha!
[YMS] According to Cool Cat, last crucial step of constructing each sign
is rubbing it all over with your paw.
Get it? Finishing touches? Ha ha ha ha HA!
I am a child and I like to skip, I don't walk normally because I'm a child.
[doorbell rings]
[Derek] I'll get it!
[Cool Cat] Thanks! My hands are full! Haha!
[YMS] No they're not!
Remember kids, Cool Cat says it's okay to be a lying little shit!
I guess whoever broke into the house was polite enough
close the door behind them.
[Derek] Hi Maria! Cool Cat's in the kitchen.
[Maria] Hi Cool Cat! It's a beautiful day!
[Cool Cat] Hi Maria! I love it when it's pretty outside!
[Maria] I made a work area with the blankey ass 'em morse heinz plies! [??]
[YMS] The fuck you just say to me bitch?
[Maria] Now we can make more signs for the neighborhood!
[Cool Cat] AWESOOOME!
[ominous music plays]
[Child] Boy, I feel like picking on someone! And look over there.
If it's not Cool Cat and Maria. They think they're sooo cool.
Well I'm gonna pawn gum. [??]
Maria has pretty hair, so I'll text her it's ugly!
[YMS] Yeah if her hair were actually ugly I wouldn't say it.
If a bully picks on you for wearing glasses,
it's actually because you're not wearing glasses.
[Maria] Hey Cool Cat, I just got a text. But I don't know who it is!
[Cool Cat] Well, there's only one way to find out!
So? See what it says!
[YMS] Are you sure that encouraging kids to open unsolicited texts from strangers
is the best idea?
You know some creep might've sent them something really inappropriate.
[Male voice] Don't leave our conversations open when you leave the computer.
[Female voice] Oh. That's a good idea.
[Male voice] Just using my noodle.
I'll use this noodle so that you can use my other noodle.
[YMS] Like, if you're going to incorporate modern technology into a
film that's marketed towards children, and also you're trying to teach them life
lessons, this might not be the best advice you could give them.
[Cool Cat] Could be good news! I love to get good news!
[Maria] Yeah, me too!
What if it's a secret contest, and I just won a whole bunch of money!
[Cool Cat] Then we could take a nice trip togetheeerrr!!
[Maria] That's a splendid idea!
[YMS] Okay so now you're encouraging kids open unsolicited messages that say
they've won a bunch of money?
Isn't that how you get personal information stolen? Or a virus?
You know, there's a lot of people that cater towards a younger demographic
because they feel like kids won't notice if they're watching something bad, but
should you not at least put a little bit an effort into making sure you're not
giving them horrible advice?
Like not just out of obligation, but maybe
from a marketing perspective?
You are trying to sell Cool Cat to people outside your group of friends, right?
[Anchor] I'm joined live with Derek Savage, he is the author
of a brand new series of books called "Cool Cat." Tell us about this, how did you
come up with this concept, "Cool Cat?"
[Derek] Well--[stutters] If you read a lot of kid's books, I saw that there wasn't
rel'anything out there that taught children about goin' grink and being
nice to the environment. [Anchor] Okay.
[Derek] Like in "Cool Cat Goes Ethanol" right here,
is-- it's a story that teaches quotin' [??] children about...
...about bein' nice and friendly to the environment
[Anchor] Okay.
[Maria] Listen to what someone just texted me!
"You're ugly and your hair looks like rat hair." Why would somebody say that?
[Cool Cat] I don't know! But that's really really mean!
[frustrated groaning] That person's just a big, big bully!
Rrrr... gah!!
[Demonic voice] I'll fuckin' strangle that shit!
[Maria] Hey, Cool Cat. I just got a text from the same person.
Should I open it?
[Cool Cat] Sure! You know, maybe they feel bad about that really mean text,
and now they wanna apologize.
So see what it says!
[YMS] Yeah come on, don't worry about it. Just keep enabling it to happen and then
maybe you could capitalize on being a victim later.
[Maria] You're right Cool Cat, and always look at the best out of everything.
I love you for that.
[Cool Cat] Thanks Maria. And I love you too.
And I'm Cool Cat, and I love all kids!
[Camera shutter]
[Dramatic music]
[Chris Hanson] What kind of a guy has a screen name...
"Can I Rape You Anally?"
[Cool Cat] Oh no, you got it wrong! That's not the truth!
[Chris Hanson] But remember, we have his chat logs.
Where he writes to someone who says she's a 13-year-old female
"...I like rape."
[Maria] Oh no! This text says that I'm fat an ugly!
Am I fat and ugly?
[Cool Cat] No, and that's terrible! You're very, very pretty!
[YMS] You know what Maria, I take that back,
the anonymous texter is not who you should be worrying about right now.
[Bully] Why do they call you Cool Cat? They should call you Dumb Cat.
[Cool Cat] Who is this?!
[Bully] You heard me! You might look like a cat, but you stink like a dog.
[Cool Cat] Dogs are my friends! Identify yourself!
It's Butch the bully! And he's running away!
What's the matter with him? He's always bullying somebody.
And he has no friends. That's not fun!
[Maria] Yeah, he doesn't have fun like we do.
[YMS] Remember kids, if you don't have any friends it's because you're a miserable,
overweight bully. You know, if you're catering towards an audience of
children who are being bullied, you might want to acknowledge that oftentimes the
ones being bullied are the ones that don't have any friends, and oftentimes
the bullies themselves travel in packs.
Like, way to rub it into some lonely, friendless child
who might be watching this.
So since I got the movie and book package, I decided I would entertain
myself by going through the book. And entertaining it was.
There is no discernible difference between Cool Cat and his dad.
There are several illustrations in which you can see the reflection of windows outside.
And Cool Cat looks like more of a creepy pedo than ever before.
Swiggity swoody.
The most notable feature of this book is that it solidifies
just how intentional the casting of the bully was in the film.
Like, the bully's the only character that's even slightly overweight
in both the book and the film.
Fuckin' chubby people with no friends, you show 'em cool cat.
So now Butch the bully's spray painting over the top of their signs
but the wind blows some paint in his face.
[Maria] That's what he gets. My daddy calls that "Payback."
[Cool Cat] So does my daddy. In fact, my daddy says,
"What goes around, comes around!"
[YMS] Uhh... so I guess the appropriate question to ask right now is
"How old is Cool Cat?"
Who is your daddy, and what does he do?
So either you're old enough to have a driver's license, or you're encouraging
children to go on joyrides.
So now Butch rounds up some other kids that are bullies I guess?
[Kid 1] What do you want, butch?
[Kid 2] Yeah, what is it?
[Butch] Look at this! Let's go have fun.
[Kid 1] What're you talkin' about?
[Kid 2] Yeah, lay it out man.
[Butch] What I'm talking about is having some FUN!
[Cool Cat] He's about to graffiti our neighbor's wall!
And it's not cool to... [pauses]
... paint on someone's wall!
[Girl] Cool Cat's so brave.
[Maria] Yeah, he's a real crime fighter.
[Cool Cat] Why do you wanna paint the wall like that?
It looks like Butch left you holdin' the can!
[Kid 1] Yeah... I guess so.
[Cool Cat] You know, my parents have a saying: with friends like that
you better not have any enemies! [??]
So why do you wanna paint the wall?
[Kid 1] Because nobody loves us! We tag on other people's things
so that they know we were there.
[Kid 2] Nobody cares for us. That's why we do it.
[YMS] I thought this was Butch's idea!
So anyway Cool Cat solves the problem by spreading his love all over them.
[Cool Cat] There's a lot of people that love you, and care for you!
I know because [mic tap] I love you!
[Kid 1] Let's have some integrity, and clean up the sandboxes that we tagged.
[Kid 2] I'm down with that, man!
[Cool Cat] That's groovy!
[Maria] I bet those kids have never been shown so much love before!
[Cool Cat] Thanks, Maria! And it's all true. You see, I think every kid
has something special inside of them. They just have to discover what it is!
[YMS] You know it's getting real weird when the cameraman starts his heavy breathing.
[Cool Cat] Have a seat!
[audible breathing from behind camera]
[Derek] Hi, Cool Cat and Maria!
You guys having fun today?
[Cool Cat] Yeah, but... it's been a wild one today!
[Maria] Yeah, it's been crazy.
[Derek] Well hey, I hope that's a great thing, and come inside, lunch is ready.
[YMS] Alright, I guess just don't tell your parents that there's a kid going around
spray-painting your neighbor's property.
Like maybe that would be an appropriate response that you'd wanna teach the audience.
So now we get introduced to Cool Cat's mom.
[Mrs. Cat] And someone is home.
Hello, this is the Cat residence?
[George] Mac wants the flamethrower!!
[Childs] Mac wants the what?
[George] That's what he said. Now move!
[Childs grumbles] Damn it!
[YMS] I guess Daddy Derek's fuckin a cat?
There's a lot of implications here...
[Derek] Hey, come on over here honey,
look how clean we got everything going right here.
[Mrs. Cat] It looks great! Thanks for your help in the kitchen.
[Derek] Oh you know I love to help you all the time.
Get over n' gimme a hug. Mm-mm!
[slowed down] Mmmm-mmmmm!
[Cool Cat] Wow! Look at this cool webpage!
Ooh, look at that one!
[Cool Cat gasps]
Look at me! I'm sufin' the web!
[Cool Cat breaks into musical "Ba-ba-bas," matching percussion of background music]
[YMS] So now Cool Cat starts getting cyberbullied.
[Cool Cat] I'm getting bullied in my own house?
I could write something really mean...
But I don't wanna do that.
Plus, whatever I write could stay... on the internet for a long, long time!
If you were nice, you would have more friends. And friends are coo-ool!
[YMS] Again, you probably shouldn't be implying that people that don't have friends
are just horrible people.
[Cool Cat] "I'm a bully and I'm gonna get you tomorrow!"
Oh Noo!!!
What should I doooo?! Oooooh!!
[Cool Cat makes distressed noises]
[YMS] Well apparently Cool Cat decided to take a fuckton of LSD,
and is now having crazy hallucinations.
You know, in most movies when you wanna make a puppet or mask look like it's
sleeping, you just construct small pieces of fabric to imitate eyelids.
Because right now, Cool Cat looks like he's trippin' the fuck out.
Remember, this is the movie's font choice, not mine.
[Cool Cat] What should I do? [Ghostly Butch laughs in the background]
[Cool Cat] Now I get mad when someone bullies me...
[Ghostly Butch re-emerges]
[Cool Cat] The brats... I'll just punch 'em!
But wait! You'll get in trouble if you hit someone!
And that's not cool!
[YMS] Remember kids, if you find a way to hit someone without getting in trouble,
then by all means use it as a solution to your problems.
Also what is this, I Heart Huckabees?
What the fuck is going on?
[Cool Cat] Huh!? Huh?!
[YMS] So at some point through Cool Cat's spirit journey,
he comes up with a solution to his problems.
[Cool Cat] I'm gonna learn to stand up for myself!
[Cool Cat makes increasingly distressed noises]
[YMS] Man, I'm so glad I took all these hallucinogens it really helped put this
situation into perspective.
"All right now run down the stairs like you're really excited!"
"I can't run that fast Daddy Derrek, I've got freaking tunnel vision in this thing!"
So Cool Cat and his sugar daddy Derek go for a ride to Hollywood for some reason.
[Cool Cat] Hi everybody! It's me, Cool Cat!
And I've got a GRR- FAAAAAANTASTIC story to tell you!
[YMS] Now they're back at home again.
So if you haven't guessed already, they've only got one suit between
Cool Cat and Cool Cat's mom.
You can see the lines separating the takes shift over when Cool Cat enters the room.
Like why didn't you just adjust the line to be in that spot before the shot started?
Fuck it!
[Cool Cat] When we were in Hollywood,
Someone asked ME to be in the Hollywood Parade!
[Mrs. Cat] What? What's he talking about?
[Derek] I know honey, but I was there and it's the real deal.
The Hollywood Parade wants Cool Cat to be in the parade,
to bring happiness to the kids!
[YMS] You know with all three of them in the same shot... frame?
I can't help but wonder the specifics towards their family structure.
Alright, so here's what it looks like to me: Cool Cat and his mom are just extreme
furry role play enthusiasts.
See, Cool Cat is secretly a twenty-nine year old unemployed computer technician
that just really likes to pretend he's a child, and also a cat.
And Mrs. Cat is likely a man who likes to pretend he's a cat lady who is also a mom.
Daddy Derek entertains their fantasies while
maintaining an intimate relationship with Mrs. Cat.
He's always wanted children, so he's just as happy to have a grown man
pretend to be his child, and also a cat.
Occasionally, Cool Cat takes powerful psychedelic drugs to help put him in a state
where he more easily believes he is his animal fursona.
They're so committed to acting out their crazy fantasies that they never take off
or wash their costumes.
[whispered] You can tell they're fursuits because they have to wear clothes over them.
I mean, it's only logical that this is how their family unit functions.
Otherwise, I'm pretty sure Daddy Derek's breaking California state law.
[Cool Cat] Nngggah... I've had a really long day!
Can I call you tomorrow?
[Maria] Sure, Cool Cat. See you tomorrow, bye!
[Cool Cat] Ngah, yup, it's beddie-bye time.
[dramatic stretching noises]
Doesn't really seem like it's late.
I guess your crazy drug binges are catching up to you a little, huh?
So Cool Cat decides he wants to spice up the Hollywood parade
by writing a new song and bringing a new car.
[Cool Cat] I wanna jazz it up with a... new car and a new song!
[Derek] Wow, that's a great idea. And you know...
We- we could call the car the...
The Cool Cat Convertible!
[Cool Cat] Oh, that sounds super-duper!
[YMS] So they upstairs and shit out some lyrics and then come back down to perform it.
And at this point we get to hear Cool Cat's singing voice.
[Cool Cat, sung] Cool Cat likes to rock and roll!
Cool Cat likes to love and sing!
[YMS] So either the actor playing Cool Cat can't sing, or there really is that much
of a dramatic difference when he's not yelling inside a helmet.
Also nothing's plugged in.
[Cool Cat] You sound so awesome on that Van Halen guitar!
[Derek] Hey, thanks man, but it wasn't me. This is a special gih-tar.
Hey, check it out, it's autographed by the Van Halen band,
and it was autographed back in the 1980's!
[Cool Cat] W- Wow!
[YMS] I'm starting to think this entire scene only
exists so you can show off your autographed guitar.
So if that whole song wasn't painful and repetitive enough,
they've got another song for us.
[Rapper] Yo yo yo! My name is Cool Cat and I'm the coolest cat there is
I love to play and have fun, and I'm always on the run
The sun in shinin' and I'm feelin' fine, so everybody listen to the words I'm sayin'
[YMS] You know, if you're going to incorporate song breaks into the film,
you may want to organize them so they're not all at once.
After the first song ends, you'd think that they'd get back to the movie for a bit.
But nope, they just start another one!
[Cool Cat] But wait! There's more to come!
[Death Grips] To get all of the above in a limited amount of time
I can do this and it's done, like that we're on our way
Be it acid on the tongue, cocaine in your brain
Or some weed that hits your lungs Like a runaway train
Hell yeah, from DMT to MDMA
Got all that shit and more So 'til dawn we're okay... but anyway..
[Cool Cat] Wow, that was fun! I hope the kids llllove it!
[Mrs. Cat] Oh, I bet the kids will boogie to that song!
[Derek] Hey, it was cool, Cool Cat!
[Cool Cat] I didn't know you guys were standing there! And thanks! [laughs]
[Mrs. Cat] And you better get ready, Cool Cat! It's almost time for the Hollywood parade!
[Cool Cat] That's right! And it's time to pick up the Cool Cat Convertible!
Yaaa-aa-aa-aaa-aa-aay yay!!
[Derek] Have fun, son! All right!
[Subtitles by R]