All parents know that consequences are important. How do you come up with those
consequences? I get this question all the time and I'm going to walk you through
it today.
This one is a really common question that I get from parents especially who
are trying to come up with some good consequences. So, how do we do it? You've
heard before that natural and logical consequences are the way to go. I'm a big
fan of natural and logical consequences. Usually those happen without our
intervention. In other words, they are the consequences that our kids are going to
have whether or not we do anything. This puts us in position as a parent to
simply get out of the way. Don't interfere with the natural and logical
consequences that are going to happen anyway. For example, you might have a
child who forgets to take in his homework. Do you need to do something as
a consequence for that? Probably not. Because if he didn't take in his
homework, he's probably going to get a bad grade.
Well, parents sometimes don't want their kids to get bad grades. And so, they jump
in and intervene with that natural and logical consequence. One of the things we
can do that's really effective as a parent is to simply get out of the way
and stop interfering with the natural and logical consequences that our
children are going to get. Obviously, some of the natural and logical consequences
are (A) way too expensive for us to tolerate as a parent or (B) too far in
the future to have a real powerful learning effect on our kids. So, we get to
come up with consequences for our children in order to create learning
opportunities for them. As we create these consequences, it's really important
to notice that there are 2 kinds of consequences. There's probably more than
2. But these two are the most important. The kind of that
why our cooperation and the kind that don't require cooperation. Why is that
important? Because moral development models tell us that children as they
progress through their moral development start at a place where they're very
selfish and self-centered. It's all very demanding or manipulative because they
want to get what they want regardless of how that impacts other people. They're
not willing to cooperate at that stage of development. For a quick example, just
think about a baby, a little infant. Yeah, ask an infant. 3 months old to
cooperate with you about sleeping through the night because mom could
really use her sleep. That child is not old enough or mature enough to actually
cooperate. And it's not that they're being bad it's simply what infants are
like. So, we accept that. But a 17-year-old should be at a point where they would
cooperate with us but they don't always. That's why it's about stage not age.
Whether they're an infant or a 17-year-old is not as important as what stage of
development are they in. And at those early stages, kids don't cooperate. At a
more advanced stage, stage 2, I divide it into 3. And if you want a more
complete overview of that model, just go to the video called Teaching Kids
Responsibility here on the channel. Cue that one up next and then you can see
what I'm talking about. The short version is if you think of it as 3 distinct
stages and in stage one, they're not cooperating. They're just all about
selfish manipulation. Stage 2, they stop fighting and start cooperating. That's
why we have to have two kinds of consequences. The kind that don't require
cooperation for the stage one kids and the kind that do require cooperation for
those kids were on stage 2 or higher. A lot of the parents that I talked to are
trying to rack their brain and get creative about what kinds of
consequences they can use with their kids. That's not the most important
consideration. Let's just divide the categories into does not require
cooperation and does require cooperation. Those are our 2 lists. We're going to
create 2 lists. So, let me help you a little bit with that first list. The kind
of consequences that don't require cooperation have to come down to what do
you as a parent control. What can you enforce 100% whether or not your kids
are on board with it. So, pull out a piece of paper or get out your device and
let's make a list right now of things that you control. Because that's going to
be on this important list. I have to do a disclaimer here. Because there's 5
freebies. The freebies are the things that you have to provide to your kids by
law and by every moral standard that I can think about. You have to provide
these 5 things to your kids. We're not going to mess with them. Here they are. In
order of importance. Love, what your job as a parent? To love them no matter what
and even if. That's number 1. Number 2, air. I know you don't provide air to your
kids. But you have no business depriving them of it. So, it's on the freebies list.
Third, water. You have to provide it. Fourth, food. And notice I didn't say
preferred food. I just mean sustenance. You provide
something that keeps the bellybutton away from the backbone. And finally,
shelter. Which means that you protect them from the elements. And in most
societies and cultures, that includes appropriate clothing. Notice I didn't say
preferred clothing. Everything else is fair game. So, when we make our list, let's
get you started. What do you control, what can you enforce
100%. What you provide. Put it on your list. And let's talk about
what you provide. In addition to the freebies, you provide access. Put it on
the list. I seriously want you to make a physical list because this is what you
can go back to when you're wondering what kind of consequences can I come up
with. These are the ones. Access. Access to what? Access to space, access to goodies,
access to electricity, access to devices. Do you see where we're going? You provide
access to all these things. And none of them are on the freebies list. Are they?
What else do you provide? You provide services. Taxi services, cook services,
laundry services. List them services that you provide. And most of those aren't on
the freebies list, are they? What else do you provide? Telecommunications.
Especially for teenagers. This is a big deal. They love to have their devices and
they love to have those devices connected to the Internet service that
you are providing. It's not on the freebies list. You provide transportation.
Well, that's pretty useful especially if your kids want to go somewhere. You
provide utilities. This was a big eye-opener to me when I realized, "Wait a
minute. I'm buying the electricity in this house. And there's a special box
right over there on the wall that I can open up and turn it on or turn it off to
any particular area of my house. Including the areas where my kids reside."
You provide permission. A lot of parents don't realize the power of this
particular item on the list. When our kids want to do something, they also want
to do it with our permission. I remember my son asking me once, "Dad, can I go to
this party?" And I asked my fatherly question, "Ah, tell me
more about the party." Hadn't given me much information. He told me more, I felt
uncomfortable with him going. "So, can I go, dad?" Son, it's up to you. But I'm not
giving you my permission. So, if you go you're going without my permission. "So,
can I go or not?" "I already said. It's up to you." But if you go, you're going
without my permission. My son didn't want to go without my permission. He knew that
that would result in consequences that he didn't want to have. So, he made a
pretty good choice and chose not to go. Permission, powerful thing that you
provide. I hope that gets you thinking about the power of this particular list.
Now, remember we're doing 2 lists. When we're making a list of consequences that
do not require cooperation, all I want you to think about is what do I control.
What can I enforce 100%. And hopefully I got that going for you a little bit. So,
flesh out the list a little bit. Talk to your parenting team. If you've
got another parent that's on the team with you or a consultant or a coach that
you can talk to, let's get that list completed. Because you want to have a
nice list over here of things you control. Now a little word about natural
and logical. It's awesome if you can tie the consequence to the behavior
logically. That's awesome! Congratulations! I'm really proud of you. Is it necessary?
No! No. Do not let that tie your hands. As long as you control it, it can be on that
list. And we'll totally fabricate some consequences in the interest of teaching
our children something that helps them to have a more happy joyful experience.
You with me? Awesome. Now, let's go over to the other
list. The list that does require cooperation. I'm going to give you a few
examples but we're not going to spend as much time on this one. Why? Because if our
kids move from stage one where they are defiant
and selfish and manipulative and demanding over to stage 2 where they
stop fighting and start cooperating, we can use their input over here. So, we're
going to move to more of a collaborative approach. You might even choose to have
your kids come up with some ideas of consequences in stage 2. And you can
ask them by saying, "Well, honey. What do you think should happen when this
particular rule is broken?" And then zip it for a minute and see what they come
up with. In my experience, kids come up with some kind of brilliant things. If we
incorporate their input. So, we don't have to be as conscientious about this list.
Some of it will come up with in collaboration with our kids. But it's
things that require cooperation. And I like to, for stage 2 consequences, I
like to focus on learning. So, if I can encourage them to glean important
information or learning from their experience, that's going to make a really
great response over here at stage 2. So, an essay for example. A short little
essay about a principle. I also like what I call responsibility packets. And that's
where I have them do a written response to a few basic questions. What did I do
that violated a rule or expectation or principle? Who did it affect or hurt? And
what is my commitment moving forward? So, this could be able to shorten paragraph
that answers those three questions. Great consequence for stage 2. You're not
going to use that for someone who's on stage 1. Why? Because they're not
cooperating with you. Remember, stage one is all about what do I control and what
can I enforce. So, in generating these consequences, remember, 2 lists. A list
of consequences that I control 100% and another list that can be very fluid and
open to input from the kids about consequences that
require cooperation. And then all we have to do is determine which stages are kid
on. One, I'm going with this list. 2, I'm going with that list. If they're willing
to go to, go with them. Don't insist on these consequences when you can move
with them to stage 2 that's less work for you and it gives them more control.
This whole parenting thing can be very challenging. We've got your back.
Come over to DrPaulJenkins.com. D-R, PaulJenkins, ".com". We've created a
community of conscious connected parents like you and there are resources there
that can help you with exactly what we've talked about on this and other
videos on the channel. I look forward to seeing you there.