-Thank you very much. Enjoy yourself.
Welcome, welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show," everybody.
You're here. You made it. [ Cheers and applause ]
Thank you for tuning in at home.
I'm very excited about this.
My guest tonight is the one-and-only Samuel L. Jackson!
[ Cheers and applause ] -Whoa!
♪♪ -Yes!
I bumped into him backstage, and he was cursing like crazy.
-Really? -Yeah.
Turns out he was just trying to get Taylor Swift tickets.
Yeah, that's all. It was fine. The stars are just like us.
Guys, it's Friday. I'm in a great mood.
Unlike Twitter, we made it to the weekend.
You know, and I -- [ Cheers and applause ]
Did you see this?
After more than 1,000 key employees resigned,
Twitter closed all of their offices.
And, apparently, due to the mass resignations,
the platform could start breaking soon.
Even crypto was like, "Damn. That came crashing down fast."
Right now, things are so bad, Twitter recommends
writing your tweet on a piece of paper
and just mailing it to all of your followers.
Yeah, a ton of employees quit after Elon asked them
to commit to an extremely hardcore work environment.
Staff was like, "If I'm going to go extremely hardcore
for an app, I don't want Twitter money.
I want OnlyFans money."
♪♪
-Twitter.
-Last night, things got so bad,
the hashtag #RIPTwitter started trending.
I just want to say, I died on Twitter before it was cool.
[ Cheers and applause ] No big deal.
♪♪
Some people say the chaos at Twitter
could lead to a comeback for Tumblr.
That'd be fun to get my political news
at the same place I used to post my Urkel fan fiction.
I think that'd be fun.
Yeah, Twitter's not looking so great right now,
and I think some other companies are trying to take advantage.
Check out this. I saw this today.
-Twitter is an absolute disaster,
a horrible company that's terribly run in every way.
So when thinking of us, remember, there's worse.
-I go, "Oh, now I get it. Yeah.
Now I get it."
Some news from Washington.
Tomorrow, President Biden's granddaughter
is getting married on the South Lawn of The White House.
That's nice. It's interesting.
To RSVP, you had to check "yes" or "Ivanka."
Not gonna show up, no.
Biden's already emotional.
It's the first time an 80-year-old has ever said,
"Get on my lawn.
The South Lawn."
It's different getting married
when your grandfather's president, though.
You get cards that say, "Enjoy the panini maker,
love Kim Jong-un."
Yeah, the Biden family has a lot to celebrate this weekend,
'cause on Sunday, the president turns 80.
Wow.
Just to give you the sense of how old that is, consider this.
He's 80.
Democrats don't want to take any chances,
so there are going to be no surprise parties.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Don't clap too loud. He might be watching.
Hey, this is big.
Today, the Justice Department
named a special counsel to investigate whether
former president Trump should be charged for January 6th
or taking classified documents.
As we speak, Trump is squeezing into a turkey costume
to trick Biden into pardoning him.
[ As Trump ] Gobble, gobble.
Gobble, gobble.
[ Normal voice ] Switching gears. Some big sports news.
This weekend, the World Cup begins in Qatar.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Yep. Soccer is huge across the world.
Meanwhile, Americans are like, "Wait.
'Ted Lasso' is based on a real sport?"
Listen to this.
On Sunday, Elton John is performing
his final concert in North America,
and the entire show will air on Disney+.
I just hope the Disney product placement
is a little more subtle than the last time they worked with him.
Check it out.
-♪ D-D-D-D-Do what I say ♪
-Speaking of Disney, I saw that they just filed a patent
for a new type of roller coaster,
and it looks pretty crazy.
Watch this.
-Walt Disney just filed a patent
for a roller coaster that jumps the track?
Engineers say it has to move
at precise speed every single time,
which can easily be impacted by the weather, by humidity,
number of riders, and many, many other elements.
[ Laughter ] -Oh!
-The ride is called You First.
[ Rimshot ]
Don't worry -- they're going to put some pillows
down the first few times they try it, so it should be alright.
It's the only ride with a sign that says,
"You must be this tall to die."
But this is nice.
Disney takes your picture during the ride,
and a crime-scene photographer takes it after.
"Jumps the tracks."
Meanwhile, Six Flags was like, "Big deal.
We've been doing that for years."
Get this -- the makers of Scrabble have announced
that they now will accept hundreds of new words.
-Oh!
-Check out this commercial they just released.
-America's most beloved board game is better than ever,
with hundreds of new playable words, like...
And to make it even more fun, we now accept misspelled words,
made-up words, and tater tots.
-Interesting, right? -Wow!
Wow! Indeed.
-Also, I read that Tyson Foods recalled 94,000 pounds
of ground beef 'cause it may contain
a hard, mirror-like substance.
They're really bending over backwards to avoid saying,
"Fine, it's glass, okay?"
A "mirror-like substance"?
Nothing worse than eating a 1-pound burger
and catching a glimpse of yourself.
"Ugh! That's what I look like?"
Guys, it is the holiday season,
and the Rockefeller Center Christmas tree is here.
If you guys haven't seen it yet, here it is.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Wow.
-I don't want to say anything too mean.
It looks like it could use some encouragement
before its big lighting later this month,
so I wrote a tiny song.
I hope you like it. [ Cheers and applause ]
♪ You're 82 feet and essentially flawless ♪
♪ But we can't help but notice you have male pattern baldness ♪
♪ Just a week ago, we couldn't wait for you to show up ♪
♪ But now we're all wondering when
you'll g-g-g-g-glow up ♪
♪ Time for a glow-up, a Midtown makeover ♪
♪ Let's get the "Queer Eye" guys to do a t-t-t-t-takeover ♪
♪ It's time for a glow-up, you're looking pretty poor-ah ♪
♪ So let's go get free samples at S-S-S-S-Sephora ♪
♪ It's time for a glow-up, you might need to go faster ♪
♪ We don't want to wait, this isn't T-T-Ticketmaster ♪
♪ It's time for a glow-up, I know you're not a quitter ♪
♪ At least you're doing better than they are at T-T-T-Twitter ♪
♪ It's time for glow-up ♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
And, finally, this is so cool.
Last night, our pal Aaron Judge
was named the American League's Most Valuable Player.
[ Cheers and applause ]
And, of course, we wanted to do something fun to celebrate.
Take a look.
We're at the MLB Flagship Store here in New York City
with my pal, the American League MVP Aaron Judge.
We're about to surprise some baseball fans
who think they're getting their photo taken
while pretending to pose
in a batter's box at Yankee Stadium.
Because that's where I see you
all the time -- in the batter's box.
-[ Laughs ] Yeah. You ready for this?
-I'm ready for you to be, yeah,
in the Yankee Stadium all the time.
That's the only place to see -- -Let's play ball.
♪♪ [ Cheering and applause ]
-Hello. How you doing?
-This is our photographer, Chris.
He's going to set you up.
-Okay, so, stand in that batter's box.
I'm going to go over here. Okay, big smiles.
And 1, 2, 3.
[ Camera shutter clicks ]
-Strike.
I think that was a strike. -I think it was a ball.
-You do? -Yeah.
-Yeah, but can I make the call on this?
-I think I might do it. [ Laughs ]
-3, 2, 1. -Here comes the pitch.
-Str-i-i-i-ke!
Strike! [ Camera shutter clicks ]
[ Laughter and applause ]
Let's ask Aaron Judge.
-Yeah, I thought I was a little outside, too.
-Yo! -Yeah.
We're on the same page here. He's got a good eye.
-No way. -He's got a good eye.
Yeah. -[ Laughs ]
-Str-i-i-i-ke 3!
[ Camera shutter clicks ]
-That's clearly a ball.
Balls and strikes.
-If Aaron Judge says that it's a ball,
then Jimmy Fallon says it's a strike...
-What do you guys think? Ball or strike?
[ Camera shutter clicks ]
-Uh! That was a strike.
-Ball 4. -Strike!
-Take your base.
-Aah! -That was a strike.
[ Camera shutter clicks ]
[ Laughter and applause ]
-But who would you -- -[Bleep]
-[ Laughs ]
-One more, you're outta here. You're outta here.
-You're going to throw me outta here?
-That's it.
-How can you throw me outta here?
-Oh, that's Jimmy Fallon. -Jimmy...
-This is Aaron Judge.
-3, 2, 1.
[ Camera shutter clicks ] [ Laughter ]
-What?! -What?!
-Hey. -Jimmy?!
-Yeah. -What is going on?
-You know Aaron Judge?
-Yeah, like my body's shaking right now.
-Yeah. -Sure.
-Okay.
-You want to stand on the box? [ Laughter and applause ]
-Yeah. -Even better. Even better.
-Well...
[Indistinct]
♪♪
[ Cheering and applause ] -Oh, my God!
-We saw 60. -[Indistinct]
-Yes!
-Let's get in the pic, too. -Oh, my gosh. Yeah. What?
[ Camera shutter clicks ] ♪♪
[ Cheering and applause ]
-My thanks to Major League Baseball
and the MLB Flagship Store
and, of course, Aaron Judge!
We love you, bud. Congrats. We have a great show.