Connection and belonging with that connection,
is the single biggest need for a physical human.
We are after all,
a relationally dependent species.
Now, some people feel like
they actually did connect with and belong in their families.
When this is the case, it allows for room
for a person to be able to find a compatible partner,
because they're not seeking to belong anywhere as fast as they can.
To the opposite, let's just become aware of the fact
that a lot of people don't feel that connection
and that sense of belonging with their family.
Or maybe at some point, for some reason, they lose it.
Now this creates a little bit of an existential crisis,
because what it does for people
is it puts them in a state of desperation,
where they are absolutely desperate
to find somewhere that they can fit in,
to find somewhere where they can belong and get that connection
that they can't find anywhere else.
It creates a kind of orphan complex,
regardless of whether or not
this person's parents and family members are still alive or not.
Now the problem is,
this creates a lot of room
for somebody to have no patience
in terms of finding a compatible partner,
to immediately jump into scenarios and try to fit and belong
as fast as they can,
and so they don't have the room that another person has
to find compatibility.
Obviously, this is going to create a path to suffering.
If we have these patterns,
whenever we meet someone we're on the lookout,
in the world in general and with these people,
for similarities.
When we find these similarities,
no matter how small they are,
we don't wait around and test the waters
to figure out whether we're a fit or not.
We decide we're a fit.
~ Clap ~
"This is where I belong!"
Now, in the beginning this feels amazing,
because in the beginning of the relationship
finally this desperate need of ours is met.
Finally we feel satiated.
But as the relationship progresses,
suddenly these "differences"
that are incompatible differences,
not compatible differences,
begin to surface,
and we begin to lose that sensation of belonging.
We start to fall into a pattern of desperation to get it back,
but we're in a hell of a lot of pain.
Because suddenly we have to realize,
we may not actually belong.
The best way to imagine this dynamic
is to imagine that a little puzzle piece
first thinks, when its little knob goes into the slot:
"Oh, I found the place that I belong",
and then it realizes after some time:
"Wait that really isn't my place."
And so imagine that this little puzzle piece takes a knife
and starts hacking at parts of itself,
in order to try to fit into
those other keys
within the puzzle pieces around it.
Not only is this heartbreaking to watch,
it also doesn't work.
It doesn't work because you can see those cut marks.
It's obvious that it's not a fit.
On top of this,
this little puzzle piece has had to cut away
parts of itself that are intrinsic to it.
And it can't do this
without creating pain long-term.
It also got the message,
as it was cutting away at itself,
that there was no possible way for it to belong as itself.
This creates a self-esteem decrease.
You can't cut away parts of yourself,
without giving yourself the message
that this is not okay, and this is not okay, and this is not okay.
Switching back to human experience,
I want to give you some clear-cut examples
for people who have this pattern,
these are real-life examples
and how it doesn't work.
A woman with this pattern,
has a deep need
to have a big life.
A life of a lot of success,
a life where somebody is financially taking care of her as well.
She doesn't want to do this by herself.
She wants to have a partner in crime.
This woman meets a nice man,
who is there for her emotionally
and that works for a while because that's also a need of hers.
But there's some issues in this scenario.
Well, the first is,
is that this man has a child from another marriage.
The other thing is,
this man has absolutely no interest,
no personal motive,
for a big life, for lots of success and for a lot of financial abundance.
In fact, he's happy with a simple life,
where the majority of time is spent just emotionally connecting.
One thing that she becomes aware of,
is that the priority for this man
is his child, not her.
This is not something which she can deal with,
so every time the child is around,
it causes her pain.
She also has to realize
that if anybody's gonna make a financial success of themselves
and if she's gonna lead a big life, all the pressure is on her.
I mean all of it.
Not only does this stress her out
and makes her lose respect for him,
but she is so unwilling to face the fact
that she does not actually fit with him, that she begins to try to alter her truth.
After all, she fell out with her family,
she doesn't have anywhere else to go.
This man is literally all she has.
So what does she do?
She begins to attend spiritual seminars,
trying to convince herself that a simple life is right
and that actually her motive for living a big life and Successful life
and having financial abundance is just
her overall ignorance and lack of awareness,
so she should change it.
She tries to find and heal the trauma
creating her need to be prioritised.
Her truth of I need to be the priority,
changes to, I need to be the priority when your child isn't around.
But this modified truth isn't the actual truth,
because she still gets hurt
and there is still a conflict every time
the man prioritizes his child's need when she has a need.
Her truth of: "I want a man who will financially take care of me",
turns to: "I Can be the financial success if he supports me emotionally",
but this modified truth isn't the actual truth,
because every time she has to pay for something
and every time she sees him prioritize playing sports or watching movies
instead of trying to improve their financial situation,
she resents him.
Eventually, like all incompatible relationships do,
the relationship devolves
into a situation where both people in the relationship just feel
complete shame for who they are,
for what they want,
for their priorities, for their needs...
For everything.
A man with this pattern really wants to be in a certain job.
He clearly sees the needs
that the company has for someone in that position.
Instead of really examining his authentic talents and personal desires,
he simply dresses the act and part
and sells himself so well, that he gets hired.
He has to change and hide and deny
all kinds of things about himself, in order to fit in the position.
In time, this not only leads to zero job satisfaction,
he also isn't doing a good job in his position,
and does not seem motivated which makes H.R. feel duped.
A woman with this pattern,
gets into relationship, after relationship, after relationship,
and every time she gets into a relationship,
her entire personality changes.
One time she was with a Harley Davidson rider.
That time she dyed her hair black,
she bought a motorcycle,
even though she had no prior interest in motorcycles,
that quite frankly, she could not afford,
she changed her style of dress,
she put her child in after-school care,
so that she could go ride a Hartley with him and his friends every day.
Then when she got out of that relationship,
she started dating a Christian.
So what do you think happened?
Yep.
She dyed her hair blonde,
so she would look more pure.
She started dressing conservatively.
She started doing "good mommy" things.
She started attending church,
when before, she was the kind of person
you couldn't drag into a church if you tried to.
When she broke up with that man,
yet again,
she stopped all of it.
Then she got into a relation with a guy who loves dogs.
So she got one
and when that relationship ended,
that dog sat in a kennel for five years
with no attention.
Yeah, you get the point.
Sometimes both people in a couple have this pattern.
This is where things get super confusing.
They both modify their truth,
to try to fit each other in different scenarios
and imagine it to be a good thing, because this is compromise,
which they imagine is the way to make a relationship work.
But compromise does not work.
Because it is very different than finding a third option
that genuinely works to meet the needs of two compatible people.
Compromise is: "I'll take a little pain and you take a little pain."
if you do that over and over in a relationship,
you will both simply end up in lots of pain in the relationship.
Compromise is a form of self-sacrifice
and your being will not thank you for it.
Hopefully by this point
you get how this pattern works
and you also see somebody in your life
maybe it's you,
that clearly exhibits this pattern.
The first problem I want you to understand about this dynamic
is that if you're caught in it,
you will violate your own boundaries,
this includes personal truth,
for the sake of the relationship.
To understand about boundaries,
it would benefit you to watch my video titled:
Personal Boundaries vs. Oneness (How to Develop Healthy Boundaries)
Part of your personal truth,
which is by the way, part of your boundaries,
is desire.
If you have this "modified puzzle piece" pattern,
what you're gonna find yourself doing over and over again,
is trying to get rid of or change certain desires.
Which actually can't be done.
To understand this deeper, watch my video titled:
You Can't Heal Yourself Out of A Desire
This pattern also really really hurts other people.
Why? Because we're gonna be selling ourselves,
to begin with, as somebody who's compatible to them.
And just like we experience, as time goes on,
suddenly, they start to realize
that this "match perfect" relationship really isn't,
and that in fact,
we're very very different than we said we were.
Obviously, this is going to lead to a feeling of being duped.
We may be the opposite of what we said we were in the beginning.
And it will turn out that we really aren't okay with what we agreed to.
We are conditioned to believe that love should triumph over all.
That if we're awakened enough,
aware enough and loving enough,
we should be able to be in a feel-good relationship
with everything and everyone and anything.
It's to completely not understand the concept
of incompatibility.
To understand the incompatibility,
watch my video titled:
Incompatibility (A Harsh Reality in Relationships)
The modified puzzle piece pattern
is a refusal to acknowledge and accept incompatibility
because doing so means losing connection and belonging.
Therefore, for people who do not have belonging elsewhere,
they would rather modify themselves to fit,
than acknowledge incompatibility.
Because they think doing so,
would mean having no belonging
and having nowhere to connect and fit,
as opposed to having the tiny bit of connection and belonging
they are getting with the incompatible situation.
It's a starvation and desperation pattern.
Something I want you to understand deeply
about the human condition,
is that the majority of people
would much rather exist on scraps
and be malnourished,
than risk complete starvation and having nothing.
And having nothing and starvation
is what these people who are caught in this modified puzzle piece dynamic
are actually convinced that they're facing.
If you're the one that has this pattern,
I want you to understand that it makes perfect and complete sense.
Like I said,
that need for connection and belonging
is the single biggest need for a physical human.
Anybody who lacked that need would be in a state of absolute desperation.
So this pattern makes perfect sense
and it doesn't make there be anything wrong with you.
I just want you to acknowledge
that if you have to modify yourself to fit somewhere,
just like you can't do that with a puzzle piece
and have it be the real puzzle piece that fits there,
it's not actual belonging.
In other words,
if you have to modify yourself
out of alignment with your personal truth
and especially desires, in order to fit somewhere,
it isn't an actual fit.
You cannot call it belonging if only your pinky toe fits,
and you can't call it belonging if even just half of you fits,
anymore than you can call it belonging if a puzzle piece
only fits to like one little part
of the pieces surrounding it,
or half of the parts to the pieces surrounding it.
Your real fear
is that you don't belong anywhere or with anybody.
But I have to tell you that universally speaking,
this is actually impossible.
That should be really good news for you.
It's impossible.
That means if you haven't found it yet, it is out there.
It's a matter of either finding it, or creating your own puzzle,
so that the other little pieces that belong with you come in.
The only way to do this,
and I'm being really aggressive at this,
the literal only way to do this to find the place where you really belong,
is to be completely and totally authentic.
Because only then can people see you for what you really are
and find where they fit to you.
And only then can you be honest enough
to actually admit to where you fit and don't fit.
So true belonging cannot happen without authenticity.
For this reason you would benefit by watching three of my videos;
The first is:
How To Be Authentic
The second is:
Belonging and How to Belong
and the third is:
The Zebra and The Watering Hole
You can only be authentic
to the degree that you know yourself.
Another way of putting this, is you can only be authentic,
to the degree that you are currently aware of yourself,
and to be completely honest,
so much about people is suppressed,
denied, disowned and whatever else,
that most people are not aware of themselves at all.
So the path of self-awareness
is a critical part
to figuring out your authenticity.
The most important work you have ahead of you
is to reown and accept and admit to and express
the parts of yourself that you've pushed away long ago.
You have to be brave to be authentic
and brave to be willing to see yourself and admit the truth to yourself and others.
There are a lot of pieces to every person
that aren't authentic and true,
but that makes a person feel like they're never going to be loved for it.
There's a lot of authenticity
that makes people feel shame.
And it takes bravery to face that shame.
So that that shame isn't making you modify yourself.
The reason that it takes bravery to be authentic,
is because there's so many parts of authenticity
that cause us to feel shame.
We've learned somehow or been taught directly
that if something's true about us,
it's not okay that it's true about us.
If something is true about us,
it's gonna mean we're a bad person
or we're innately unlovable and therefore "I'm never gonna find belonging".
That's the lie.
The wires are flipped.
See, people tell you the lie,
that with these things, you won't belong anywhere.
The truth is,
if you stop lying,
you will find the place you actually belong.
Obviously it takes bravery to be authentic.
But that bravery is worth it.
Why? because one day,
you will be standing in a place and in a position
where you can say: "I am where I'm supposed to be",
"this is where I belong."
Have a good week.
If you liked this video,
be sure to share it,
like it, and also subscribe to my channel so you can see more content like this.
But I want to personally thank you
for taking the initiative and having the bravery
to step into the space of awareness,
not only for yourself, but for the benefit of those around you.
Subtitles by: Tanya Duarte www.tanyaduarte.com