- One,
if I could,
I would nail these hands to the edges of stars.
I would sacrifice this body to the sky,
hoping to resurrect it
someone spiteful enough to not care
this much about you.
Two,
staple me to a cross,
pierce my side with a broken promise,
and I will bleed all the reasons
why you deserve one more chance.
Three,
loving you was the last thing I felt really good at.
Four,
you wanna know how I got these scars?
Well,
I ripped every last piece of you out of my smile.
Five, I whispered you star dust.
Six, I spoke you into sunflower.
Seven,
I dipped my hands in forever,
I touched you infinity,
treated you
as if you were the last molecule of oxygen
inside of a gas chamber,
I was
good to you.
Eight,
you wanna know how I got these scars?
I swallowed my pride,
then it clawed its way out of my mouth.
Nine,
I realized that I was never really your boyfriend,
I was your hide man.
10,
hoping next boyfriend gets smallpox. 10.
Yes.
I said smallpox. 10.
I hate you. 10,
but I still miss you. 10.
And I still love you. 10.
and I still love you. 10.
and I still love you, 10.
It's hard for me to count
when I get emotional. 10.
I heard that over 90,
I heard that over 90% of human interaction is non-verbal so?
(audience claps)
10.
(laughter)
if I could,
I would tie your arms to a daydream
then auction you off to my fondest memories.
To the random dude who started dating
my ex girlfriend two days after we broke up.
Yes,
I saw that shit on Facebook.
Now,
when I realized that you
were in a relationship with the girl
that I thought I would spend the rest of my life with.
I walked outside.
I said to myself,
there's no way Ashton Kutcher
is going to catch me off guard.
I waited 45 minutes.
And then I realized
that hadn't been a new episode of Punk in almost four years.
I guess
I'm the only practical joke in this entire situation.
One,
the first time I saw you and her in a picture.
I wanted to take my entire arm
shove it inside of the computer
and snatch the happiness right off of your face.
Two,
if I ever see you in the street,
I might punch you in the throat.
Three, I apologize in advance.
(audience laughing)
And I know
that it makes no sense to have this much anger
toward a man that I've never met face to face.
By definition of, love
is being robbed in an alley
eight times in a row
and hoping there's something about today
that makes all of this different.
There was nothing logical
about cutting off the most important parts of yourself
and then putting them
in hands that shake,
that tremble
and crack like a Haitian sidewalk.
Four,
there is nothing rational about love.
Love stutters when it gets nervous.
Loves trips over its own shoe laces.
Love
is clumsy.
And my heart refuses to wear a helmet.
Five, Cupid is fucking irresponsible.
(audience laughing)
And I'm tired of him using me for target practice.
Six,
I was told that time heals all wounds
but what exactly do you do on days when it feels like
the hands on your clock have arthritis.
Seven.
She always wore her heart on her sleeve.
So tell me,
why the hell do you look so familiar?
Eight, I think I've seen you somewhere in her smile.
Like I've heard your voice in her laughter.
I bet if we dusted her heart for fingerprints
we would only find yours.
Nine.
I have this envelope.
It's full of all the butterflies that I felt
the first time
she smiled in my direction.
I think most of them are still alive.
I guess these belong to you too.
Thank you.
(audience cheering)