>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY!
GIVE IT UP FOR THE BAND?
LOUIS CATO, AND ALL THE OTHER WONDERFUL MEMBERS OF STAY HUMAN,
EVERYBODY.
( APPLAUSE )
>> STEPHEN.
>> Stephen: LOUIS.
>> STEPHEN.
>> Stephen: OH, LOUIS CATO.
>> OH, STEPHEN COLBERT.
>> Stephen: YOU GUYS SOUND FANTASTIC TONIGHT.
>> THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: YOU HAVE SO MUCH ENERGY.
WE NEED THAT.
LOUIS, WE'VE GOT-- THIS GUY IS NOT ONLY VERY TALENTED, BUT I
HEAR FROM RELIABLE SOURCES THAT HE'S SUPER CUTE AND SEXY.
SEBASTIAN STAN IS HERE TONIGHT.
>> OH, YEAH.
>> Stephen: THAT'S EXACTLY RIGHT.
THOSE ARE THE SOUNDS I OFTEN HEAR WHEN I MENTION HIS NAME
AROUND MY HOUSE.
I'M ALSO GOING TO BE GIVING THE COLBERT QUESTIONERT TO
MR. SHAQUILLE O'NEAL TONIGHT.
CAN'T LEAVE HIM OUT OF THAT.
HE'S GOING TO KILL IT.
YO KNOW FOLKS, I SPEND MOST OF MY TIME RIGHT OVER THERE,
WANDERING THE NEWS FOREST FOR YOU, FELLING ONLY THE BIGGEST
AND HEARTIEST WHITE STORY OAKS, CUTTING AND SHAPING THEM INTO
THE NEWSIEST, MOST TOPICAL CLEATS, CLAMPS AND PLANKS,
KEEPING THEM AT A CONSTANT ANGLE, GRADUALLY CREATING A
SHELL-SHAPED, SHALLOW BOWL HULL USING THE FIRE-BENDING TECHNIQUE
INSTEAD OF STEAM-BENDING OBVIOUSLY.
THEN I LAY IT ALL THE KEEL BLOCKS TO CAREFULLY SET UP THE
STEM, STERN AND, GARBOARD, ATTACH THE BILGE FUTTOCKS TO THE
TIMBER AND LOVINGLY CRAFT A FLAT TRANSOM STERN OUT OF
NATURALLY-CURVED QUARTER CIRCLES.
THEN SECURE ALL THE PLANKS WITH TRUNNELS HANDMADE FROM THE
FINEST LOCUST WOOD AND, FINALLY, ADORN IT WITH A PROUD BOWSPRIT,
FOREPEAK, AND CUSTOM GILDED FIGUREHEAD TO PRESENT TO YOU THE
DUTCH GOLDEN AGE "SPIEGEL-JACHT" THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
FOLKS-- YOU HAVE TO HYDRATE AFTER THAT.
"SPIEGEL-JACHT" THAT IS MY BUT SOMETIMES, JUST SOMETIMES, I
AWAKEN FROM A MEAT-SWEATS- INDUCED FEVER STRAPPED TO A
BASKET ON THE WONDER WHEEL AT CONEY ISLAND, STUMBLE ACROSS THE
GARBAGE-FLECKED BEACH TO THE SOUND OF A TERRIFYING RAGGED
BELLOW I REALIZE IS COMING FROM MY OWN LUNGS, WHICH SUMMONS AN
ARMY OF SEAGULLS WHOM I INSTRUCT TO GATHER THE HALF-EMPTIED CANS
OF BUSCH LIGHT LEFT BY A MOB OF BELGIAN TOURISTS, ALL OF WHICH
I GATHER INTO A SACK I FASHIONED OUT OF PANTS I STOLE FROM A
SLEEPING COP. THEN I SWIPE A GIANT INFLATABLE BABY YODA FROM
A CARNY GAME AND STRAP IT TO A MAST I MADE BY RIPPING A B-68
BUS STOP SIGN OUT OF THE GROUND ON THE CORNER OF STILLWELL, THEN
LAUNCH THE VESSEL AS CAPTAIN OF THE UNREGULATED PIRATE BOOZE
CRUISE OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT:
"MEANWHILE"!
IT'S EVERGE "MEANWHILE" IS ETERNAL.
IT IS ENDLESS AND EVERGREEN.
MEANWHILE, "PEOPLE" MAGAZINE MAY SCRAP ITS WEEKLY PRINT EDITION.
WHAT?
NO, "PEOPLE"!
YOU CAN'T DO THIS NOW!
THIS WAS OBVIOUSLY GOING TO BE THE YEAR I WAS NAMED "PEOPLE'S
SEXIEST MAN ALIVE"!
I SWEAR, HAND TO GOD, I SWEAR I WAS GOING TO START WORKING OUT
TOMORROW.
ARE YOU NOT THE LEAST BIT CURIOUS WHAT I WOULD LOOK LIKE
WITH ABS?
BECAUSE MY GRAPHICS DEPARTMENT IS!
ARE YOU TELLING ME-- ARE YOU TELLING ME YOU DON'T WANT TO SEE
THAT ON YOUR COFFEE TABLE?
AND MAY I REMIND YOU, THIS MEANS PAUL RUDD IS NOW "SEXIEST MAN
FOREVER."
MEANWHILE, A WISCONSIN MAN RECENTLY CELEBRATED 50 YEARS OF
EATING BIG MACS EVERY DAY, AND SAYS HE WILL CONTINUE EATING BIG
MACS WITH A COCA-COLA ON THE SIDE UNTIL HE DIES.
WHICH EXPERTS SAY SHOULD BE NEXT TUESDAY.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THAT LOOKS GOOD.
THAT LOOKS SO GOOD, MAN.
MEANWHILE, ON TUESDAY, GRUBHUB HAD A PROMOTION WHERE THEY
OFFERED FREE LUNCH TO EVERYONE IN NEW YORK CITY AND, SOMEHOW,
OFFERING EIGHT MILLION MEALS ALL AT ONCE DIDN'T GO SO GREAT.
GRUBHUB'S FREE LUNCH OFFER IN NEW YORK CRASHED ITS WEBSITE AND
APP, BECAUSE THEY DID NOT HAVE ENOUGH DRIVERS ON THE ROAD TO
HANDLE THE VOLUME OF ORDERS, LEADING TO MOUNTAINS OF
UNCLAIMED WEDGE SALADS CONGEALED ON RESTAURANT COUNTERS.
THAT IS NOT RIGHT.
SALAD SHOULD NOT GO TO WASTE ON A RESTAURANT COUNTER.
IT SHOULD GO TO WASTE IN THE BACK OF MY REFRIGERATOR.
I SWEAR, I'M GONNA EAT IT TOMORROW UNLESS I DEFINITELY BUY
A MEATBALL SUB.
BECAUSE NOW I DON'T NEED ABS.
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
SO CLOSE.
MEANWHILE, IN WEIRD SCIENCE NEWS, SCIENTISTS USED GENE
EDITING TO CREATE MUTANT COCKROACHES IN A BREAKTHROUGH.
REALLY?
CAN'T ROACHES ALREADY SURVIVE A NUCLEAR APOCALYPSE?
WHY ARE WE GIVING THEM MUTANT POWERS?
I DON'T WANT A COCKROACH THAT CAN READ MY MIND AND LOOKS SEXY
IN SPANDEX.
( LAUGHTER )
USE IT ON SOMETHING THAT NEEDS THE HELP, LIKE THE SALAD
AT THE BACK OF MY FRIDGE.
I SWEAR I JUST PUT IT IN THERE LAST WEEK, AND IT'S ALREADY
PESTO.
THAT'S WHY I'M GETTING A MEATBALL SUB.
MEANWHILE, IN GREAT NEWS FOR LOVERS OF WRAPS, A TEAM AT
JOHNS HOPKINS HAS DEVELOPED AN EDIBLE TAPE THAT WILL KEEP
YOUR BURRITO FROM SPILLING.
HEY, JOHNS HOPKINS.
GOOD JOB.
NOW THAT YOU'VE NAILED THE BURRITO PACKING TAPE-- WHICH I'M
NOT SAYING ISN'T IMPORTANT-- HOW'S THAT CANCER RESEARCH
COMING?
STILL LOOKING FOR A WAY TO HOT GLUE MY TACO SHUT?
GREAT.
MEANWHILE, ERIC CLAPTON HAS TESTED POSITIVE FOR COVID.
UNSURPRISING, AS HE IS A CRITIC OF CORONAVIRUS VACCINES AND
PANDEMIC RESTRICTIONS.
CLAPTON'S GOT A COMPLICATED RELATIONSHIP WITH SHOTS.
HE FAMOUSLY ADMITS ADMINISTERING ONE TO THE SHERIFF, BUT HE
SWEARS HE DID NOT GIVE ONE TO THE DEP-U-TEE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
MEANWHILE, THERE'S NEWS FROM PARIS, WHERE TOURISTS WILL SOON
BE ABLE TO STAY A NIGHT INSIDE THE MOULIN ROUGE.
RENTING OUT A SUMPTUOUS BOUDOIR INCLUDES THE MOULIN ROUGE'S
SIGNATURE CABARET SHOW AND A THREE-COURSE FRENCH MEAL--
THOUGH, GUESTS WILL HAVE TO MAKE DO WITH A SHARED TOILET.
IS THIS AN AIRBNB OR AN ESCAPE ROOM?
( AS FRENCH HOST )
AU GRATIN DROWNED IN CHEESE, STEAK SOAKED IN BUTTER, AND
A DOUBLE CREME CARAMEL.
QUICK!
LOCK THE DOOR WHILE THEY FIGHT OVER THE TOILET.
BON CHANCE!" PLAWD
MEANWHILE, ACCORDING TO A RECENT SURVEY OF DOG AND CAT OWNERS,
33% SAID THEY WOULD CHOOSE THEIR PET OVER THEIR SIGNIFICANT
OTHER, WHILE, 100% OF CATS SAID, "IF YOU DIE IN YOUR SLEEP, I
WILL EAT YOUR EYEBALLS."
( LAUGHTER )
SHAQUILLE O'NEAL.
♪ ♪ ♪