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borderline personality is
difficult to live with as are many other
mental health issues
as are things like dementia we use that
as an example
if a person is living with dementia we
train the family in very specific ways
make sure things always go back to the
same place like the keys are always in x
place that the cup is in a certain place
because that mental map
can help the person with dementia feel
more effective in their environment
we use lots of reminders okay we also
ensure that the person is safe all those
different things okay
dementia is a more extreme example we
also know that the person's memory
is now shot because they have dementia
so if
i was working with someone's dementia
and they said they'd say i i don't
remember your name doctor
i i just i know you're a doctor i
wouldn't be like
what do you mean you don't remember i'm
gonna be offended right i wouldn't be
offended
why can't we use that similar framework
for somebody who's living with something
like borderline personality really
you really just nailed that you really
just nailed that
that is so true and makes things
so much clearer we have to be i would
have to be patient working with someone
with dementia i'd have to say oh my god
they forgot where the thing is again
i wouldn't say that that's so cruel and
neither would the family really
yeah but but in a case of somebody
borderline personality say
how hard is it to catch your tone you
know that's mindfulness
and that's what human relationships
require now you're absolutely right
though kyle
just like even in the case of somebody
with dementia it is very hard to say
we have to tell him where it is again we
have to remind her again but
but i think people are are willing to do
that for their family but it is
but it does wear them out yeah i'm
calling and no matter what and we all
wear each other out
but it does wear them out and that's
where the family has to then be aware
it's okay to take care of you in fact
it's important
that's why for example the best
borderline personality treatment
programs in the country
involve the family you know the families
brought in they do what we call
psychoeducation
they teach them they teach some things
how important tone is
how important consistency is how
frightening abandonment is of in any
in any way shape or form listen kyle
love is at its core about compromise
you love someone enough it doesn't feel
like a sacrifice it just feels like love
wow you know dr yip and i did a series
on obsessive-compulsive disorder
and in that series she discussed
people's ocd symptoms and
kind of labeled them as the ocd monster
and it's a silly term but it
it for me it really helped separate the
ocd behaviors from the individual
yeah and not looking them as this mesh
thing yes and i feel like if i
had a spouse who had bpd or someone in
my family did
i would need to look at it that way in
order to do a good job supporting them
so if they're lashing out at me i can
say this is the bpd monster or whatever
i don't want to stigmatize it but this
is these this is the bpd talking this
isn't
carol right and carol is great right but
this bpd sometimes is tough for me to
hang out and for people living with
borderline personality they'll say it
too
they'll even as they're going through
the abandonment crisis they'll say uh
here i go again
but it feels right it feels real right
it feels so real to them they're not
doing it to be difficult
they're hurting they're really really
hurting that said
the spouse in that situation the
exquisite patients can wear out
so it's it's finding that delicate
balance and for the spouse also to have
their own source of therapy and support
is sometimes
absolutely essential and it doesn't have
to be a pylon
and a criticism session about their
partner but rather a place where they
can find tools
on how to communicate better there are
going to be certain moments that are
more upsetting and keep in mind
borderline personality is often
co-morbid with a whole host of other
mental illnesses including depression
anxiety disorders
eating disorders substance use disorders
so you may actually be dealing with
you know multiple sets of crises at that
time so it's not as simple as somebody's
being volatile in a relationship or
sensitive in a relationship there may be
another even
larger issue that's looming so again the
education becomes important
i'll tell you why so that the partner
who may not have bpd
doesn't blame themselves
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you