Imagine you find yourself alone,in a basement, after the zombie apocalypse finally hits.
Lucky you, this basement was stocked by a doomsday prepper whose meticulous preparation
has finally paid dividends.
You've got all the canned food you're ever going to need from now until, well, doomsday.
"Picture this: snowy ash drizzles from the sky.
A rabid pack of dogs surrounds you as the flame at the end of your stick dies out.
There's only one hope left for you: the door to my shelter."
But wait.
With horror, you realize there's one key thing missing: there's no can opener!
But don't worry, you'll have plenty of time to appreciate the irony as you slowly starve
to death while surrounded by all that food.
Okay, probably not.
But this scenario is a favorite fictional trope, played out in sources as diverse as
science fiction stories, comic strips, and even episodes of Looney Tunes and South Park.
"Does anyone have a can opener?"
"God----."
In reality, though, the situation holds a lot less terror than you might think.
For one thing, many canned foods these days come with ring pulls, eliminating the need
for a can opener altogether.
Even if your basement-stocking prepper had a preference for good old fashioned non-pull
tab canned goods, however, there's still a fairly easy way you can open a can.
And no, it's not a gun.
"He hates these cans!"
"There's cans in there too!"
"More cans?!"
No, actually you can replace that missing can opener with another basic kitchen utensil:
a simple spoon.
And surely, there will be a spoon in that underground bunker.
After all, not even a zombie would eat pork and beans with its fingers.
"Spoon!"
While Country Living magazine supplies several can opener-free methods of prying open aluminum
cans, they recommend the spoon method as being the easiest and safest, although admitting
it does require some "brute force."
That method involves gripping the spoon handle with four of your fingers while resting your
pinky in the spoon bowl for stabilization.
Once you've got your spoon firmly in your grasp this way, rub it along the crimped edge
of the can until you wear a hole in the metal it should be fairly thin at the joint.
Once you've got a hole that's big enough, insert the spoon and use it to pry the lid
up as far as you can and then scoop out the can's contents.
If you find yourself without a spoon, you can also utilize this same method with a screwdriver,
a pocket knife, or a fork.
If you're more of a Crocodile Dundee type, there's a can opening method involving a slightly
different technique that calls for using a big knife.
Take that knife and use it to puncture a big hole in the lid around the can's rim, then
repeat the process until that lid is entirely detached and you're good to go kind of like
using an old-fashioned church key bottle opener, only this is way more macho.
Perhaps the most low-tech method of opening a can requires nothing more than a rough surface
like a rock, a brick, or even a patch of asphalt.
Rub the top of the can against this rough surface repeatedly, and eventually, the rim
will be sanded down to the point where its seal is broken.
Of course, all of these different methods of opening cans could be somewhat dangerous
should your utensil slip, be it a fork, spoon, knife, or brick.
Even if you're rubbing your can lid along the floor of your concrete bunker, it could
still fly up out of your hand and conceivably take your head clean off like a vorpal bunny.
Oh sure, if you're desperately trying to break into the last can of Vienna sausages left
on the planet, you might think you've got bigger things to worry about, but it won't
help your chances for survival if you manage to put an eye out.
So it's recommended that you wear some sort of safety goggles or a face shield when opening
cans via these methods.
Even a gas mask should do, and you'll surely have one of those with you, as they seem to
be de rigueur in post-apocalyptic fashion.
Perhaps the best thing to do, however, should you expect an imminent apocalypse, is to take
a tip that's been slightly modified from the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy instead of
carrying a towel wherever you go, instead, try packing your own personal can opener.
Sure, it might get you some weird looks, but as any Boy Scout can tell you, it's always
best to be prepared.
"Be assured, this day will come, it's just a matter of time.
Could be one month, could be two months."
"Three months."
"Could be."
"Four months."
"I could see that happening."
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