- There's an idea or a stigma
that men get infused with as they're growing up.
See if you can finish this sentence.
Nice guys finish what?
Last, right?
Or that all girls, all women want a bad boy.
And while you and I know that's not true
because chances are, the man that you're gonna be with
or the man that you are with,
you want him to be nice, right?
You don't want just the bad boy,
but there's something about that idea
that resonates with truth.
There's a little bit of you want him to be nice,
but you want him to have this other quality
that becomes sexy to you, right?
Well, the same thing goes for men.
You see, there are nice girl qualities
that actually diminish the attraction
that men have for women.
When women are too nice,
it actually shows that they don't respect themselves
at the level that they know that they deserve respect.
On the other hand, when you eliminate these habits,
it shows that you do respect yourself at a level
that demands his respect and also ignites attraction.
So today, I'm gonna share with you
seven nice girl habits that all women must break.
Check it out.
(soft music)
Hey there.
My name is Mat Boggs and I'm the founder
of the Love and Relationships Division
here at the Brave Thinking Institute,
where our mission is empowering people
to create and live a life they love,
and that includes your love life.
So if you like this video,
I encourage you to click that little subscribe button,
click that little bell, because every week,
we bring you videos to empower you in your love life.
Now, when you hear nice girl habits that we're gonna break,
some people have mixed emotions around that word nice
and we're gonna break you being nice, and know this.
There's different qualities of being nice.
There's nice for the right reasons
that's rooted in your authentic self
and then there's nice people being nice
for the wrong reasons.
It's like they're people pleasers
and it's rooted in a lack of confidence.
So that is what we're going to break today
and the first quality or a habit that nice girls can break
is saying yes to the instant relationship.
And here's what I'm talking about.
You finally go on this date with this guy and he's handsome.
He's sexy. He's attractive.
He's smart. He's funny.
And you're thinking in your mind, oh my God,
I finally found this guy, a nice guy.
He's not weird.
He's not crazy. Like, yes.
And you start to get all excited on this day.
You know what I'm talking about.
You start thinking in the future.
Your mind races into the future
and starts thinking about living together.
You start thinking about getting married one day.
You start thinking about having kids
and what your life is gonna be like.
And you're still on appetizers there at that dinner.
And so when your energy moves into,
I want an instant relationship with you,
like, I don't even really know you yet,
but I know that we could be together,
it's a complete turnoff to the man, because guess what?
He knows he hasn't made deposits into your life.
He knows he hasn't earned the right to be your man
and he knows that he's got all kinds of flaws
going on in him.
One of my friends was giving me an example about this.
He was dating a woman.
He found her beautiful and amazing
and after a few weeks of dating, he was over at her house.
They were gonna spend the night together
and so they're getting ready for bed
and they're both brushing their teeth
and she looks over at him and says, "You are perfect."
And he said he felt that his heart drop in that moment.
What a weird reaction to a compliment like you are perfect.
He felt his stomach going to knots,
but here was what was going on.
He knew they'd spent really only four nights together,
four dates together,
and here she is, proclaiming him perfect.
He knows he's not perfect.
He knows he's got all kinds of flaws going on,
and yet, through her lens, you're perfect.
And he is like, I haven't invested enough in her.
So what that shows is that her self-esteem was like,
I'm willing to say yes to this guy
before he's actually earned the right to be my man.
So resist the urge to let your mind futurize
to such the degree that you're like,
I'm ready now and I don't even know you.
And instead, let your man earn the right to be with you,
because when he finally does win your heart,
it will be that much more special.
And number two is canceling your plans
to accommodate his schedule.
That is a nice girl habit that you want to break
because here's the deal.
Let's say a man calls you up last minute,
says, hey, let's go hang out.
We've got this cool thing.
My schedule just opened up.
Let's go on this hike together
or let's go see this new thing together.
And you've got plans with your friends.
If you canceled those plans because you're like,
oh, he's available, let me hang out with him,
and you jump to make yourself available to his schedule
and you cancel on people that are your friends,
those priorities in your life,
it's gonna send the wrong message to him
because men, we value friendships.
We value integrity
and we value doing what we say we're gonna do.
So while in the immediacy,
he might like the fact that there's the convenience
of getting to hang out with you when he's available,
it also sends a subtle signal to him
that you didn't respect your own priorities
and the own relationships in your life.
Instead, let him know,
you know, I would love to hang out with you.
That sounds like a wonderful day.
And unfortunately, I've got plans with my friends
and I'm already committed.
But when's the next time we can hang out?
While he might be disappointed
he doesn't get to see you in that moment,
two very powerful things happen.
Number one, you demonstrate that you're a woman of integrity
and that you keep your commitments,
and number two, you make yourself scarce
because you're living your wonderful life, and guess what?
When he finally does get to spend time with you,
he's gonna value that time even more.
And number three is you try to get him to like you
before you've even decided if you like him.
This is one of the most profound lessons
over the last couple of years.
One of my clients was sharing with me
that she had this awakening, this epiphany, this aha moment,
where she said, oh my gosh.
While she was dating, her self-esteem was at a level
where she just wanted his approval,
just wanted to please him.
And so when they would be on a first date with some guy,
she would try to get him to like her.
So she would only bring up topics
that she thought he would be interested in
and she would only share ideas
that she thought he would resonate with
and she would try to bring out
the aspects of her personality
that she thought he would really like
instead of just being herself
and bringing her whole self forth.
And then she would realize,
well, I don't really like this guy
and she's gone through this whole song and dance
to try to get him to like her
before she even realized if she liked him.
Instead, that's what a nice girl does.
Why?
Because a nice girl is focused on pleasing,
the nice girl that isn't rooted in deep self-confidence.
Instead, when you own your worth, you flip the script
and instead of you just trying to be a certain way
or show a certain part of yourself to win their approval,
no, no, no, no.
Anchor yourself in your true, authentic self,
and if they like you, great.
If they don't like you, guess what?
They're not the right fit for you.
And here's what's great from that standpoint
because when you come from that place
and you decide, do I like this guy?
Is he the right fit for me first?
If he's not the right fit, then great.
Next.
If he is the right fit, then you've set up a dynamic
that actually creates a traction for masculine energy
because the masculine loves to pursue.
The masculine loves to try to win your favor
and you've already set up that dynamic from the get-go.
And number four, and this is a big one,
is saying yes to sex before you're ready.
This nice girl habit is the woman,
remember, she's not rooted in a deep sense of self-esteem
and so she's in pleasing mode.
She's trying to win his favor by doing what he wants to do.
And so this could be sex
or this could just be fooling around with him physically
before you're ready,
but if you notice you're saying yes to fooling around,
why are you saying yes to it?
Do a little self check-in.
Are you saying yes to this moment
because you want to engage in this moment
or are you saying yes because you're worried if you say no,
he's gonna split, he's gonna leave,
that he will actually, you think he'll like you more
If you have sex with him in this moment?
Well, let me explain something.
Men never like you more because you fool around.
I repeat, men never like you more because you fool around.
Fooling around, having sex without deep connection
is like candy.
Yeah, it's gonna feel good in the moment.
He's gonna like it in the moment,
but it doesn't have staying power.
It doesn't have any lasting power.
It's like you eat candy, it's nice in that moment,
but like 10 minutes later,
you're like, I need some more candy.
I need something else.
I need. Right?
What creates that deep connection
is having a spiritual connection, a mental connection,
and an emotional connection.
That creates the depth.
So never feel pressured to do anything physical
before you're ready.
Break that nice girl habit.
Maintain your standard and boundary
and let him earn whatever it is required
as far as the physical, mental, emotional,
and spiritual requirements that you have
before you're willing to have sex with him
or even just mess around with him.
It will earn his respect
and he will feel that connection at a deeper level
and that creates the staying power
that you want in the first place.
And number five,
investing more in the relationship than he does.
It's real easy to think that you're being kind,
real easy to think that you're being generous
by saying, you know what?
He's busy.
He probably just didn't have time to text me back.
I'm gonna text him and we'll set up plans.
I'll make plans for this weekend.
I'm gonna find the restaurant.
I'll do that. It'll just be easy on him.
No, no, no, no, no.
That is a nice girl behavior
that when you look at the root of that,
it's coming from a place of insecurity.
Why are you leaning in and bridging the gap?
There's often a subtle fear
that if you don't bridge the gap, the relationship will die.
He's not gonna text you back
and that possible connection that you have with him
is gonna wither away.
So if you notice your impetus to bridge the gap
and make those plans is rooted in a fear that if you don't,
the relationship might not work out,
that's a great sign for you to lean back and let him invest.
Let him pursue.
Let him show you his level of interest in you.
And two things that are great that happen with that,
number one, you get to receive,
and number two, he's gonna value the relationship even more.
And number six, and this is a big one,
is giving undeserved second chances.
Now, it's okay to be a person who offers forgiveness.
It's okay to give someone second chances
as long as they've earned it, as long as they deserve it.
And so notice that if you're the type of person
where you feel like, oh, I'm a woman who is nice.
I'm a woman who's forgiving.
I'm a woman who is whatever the quality is
and that is causing you to feel obligated
to give a second chance,
because if you don't give a second chance,
then you lose that identity in yourself, know this.
He has got to earn the right
to have a second chance with you
and there's a big difference between forgiveness
and giving someone a second chance.
You can forgive him for something that he's done
and that means you're releasing the resentment
and releasing the negativity
and no longer carrying it with you, but that doesn't mean
that he's earned the right to get a second chance.
So how has he behaved? What has he said?
How is he trying to reconcile the situation
that would earn a second chance?
And only when he meets your standard, at that time,
give him the second chance that he has earned.
And number seven is self-diminishing behavior
and I'm gonna share with you two items here.
One is a bit more obvious.
The other one is a bit more subtle that's not as obvious
that you want to pay attention to.
So self-diminishing behavior,
it's fun when someone's self-deprecating.
They're not taking themselves so seriously
and you can both laugh at each other,
but there's a difference between self-deprecation
that comes from a place that's rooted in self-esteem
and worthiness and self-diminishing behavior
where you say things like, you know,
I'm just not that sexy of a person,
or, oh, I'm not beautiful or this and that
when it's like you're fishing for compliments.
That's self-diminishing behavior
and it actually reduces the attraction
in the connection with him.
So break any habits where you diminish yourself.
Make it okay to shine your light.
Make it okay to feel good about yourself.
He wants you to feel sexy.
He wants you to feel beautiful.
Own that, because guess what?
He thinks you are sexy.
He sees you as beautiful.
And so when you own it and can have fun with yourself
and not take yourself so seriously,
that's the magic sweet spot that's highly attractive.
The not-so-obvious place that people self-diminish
is with their time.
There was a client of mine who was talking to a guy
that she was interested in
and they were connecting and talking
and she was asking him about some information
about rock-climbing that she wanted to do.
And he was like, oh, you know what?
I'll get you this whole report.
I've got this whole report and I can send it over to you.
And you know what, I'll do that tonight when I get home.
And she was like, oh, you know what?
That's okay. Whenever you can do it.
Don't put yourself out. Whenever you can do it.
It's fine.
And that's a subtle moment,
but in that moment, what is she communicating?
She's communicating that his time is more important
than her time.
And a lot of it was in the tone and how she said it.
It's okay to be polite
and make things convenient for people.
But notice if you put him and his time on a pedestal
over you and your time and you diminish yourself,
that reduces your worth, your self-esteem,
and really the attraction and connection
that can be possible and that connection.
So instead, hold yourself up, prop yourself up.
See yourself as worthy, beautiful.
Value your time and that increases how he respects you,
how he treats you,
and how much attraction there is between the two of you.
So my question for you
is what habits have you cultivated in yourself
that have actually led to great connection with men?
I would love to hear your thoughts on this.
Go ahead and share those thoughts
in the comment section below.
I appreciate you.
Thank you for watching and I'll see you soon.
(upbeat music)