[ Background noise and applause ]
>> You know some of our commentary
about sex can be very confusing.
Take for example the scenario of a student walking
across campus on the way to his or her dorm,
it's Sunday about noon
and their wrinkled party clothes belie the fact that maybe,
just maybe, this student had sex last night.
Now students tell me that if it's a guy on the way back
to his dorm, it's called the walk of fame,
but if it's a girl, the walk of shame.
Is there something wrong with that?
And you know I think probably one of the areas
where the most confusing commentary arises is
on that controversial topic of virginity arises.
I mean, take for example this question posed by the media;
have you slept with this man, probably not,
Tim Tebow claims to be a virgin but that question was posed
to ask along with an offer of one million dollars for anyone
who could prove undeniable
that they had taken his virginity.
Is it possible that sometimes our commentary is a
contradiction of the banner of tolerance that we waved
so proudly over sexual choice.
I said goodbye to my virginity when I just fifteen.
How old were you?
If you had it to do over again would you wait any longer?
I would have, I didn't bear any of the physical consequences
of my choice to have sex early, I didn't get pregnant,
I didn't acquire sexually transmitted disease
but my spirit was impacted.
I was depressed.
I felt like I'd given a piece of myself away
and I could never have it back.
That's probably why I've devoted my life
to spreading the idea that sex is worthy of something more
than a casual hook up.
I'm wondering if maybe some of you feel the same way.
I think it's possible because there are more virgins
than ever on college campuses.
These days about 19 percent
of an entire student population will claim to be virgins
that means that at Penn State there could be 8,360 of them,
not as rare as you might think.
Now, of course the majority of students are having sex
and they are having a lot of sex.
The average male will leave
with 9.7 sexual partners before he graduates from college
and the average female with leave with 7.1.
That's a lot of sex.
Now some of those students come to me to kind of sort
out their emotions and they tell me
that they wish they hadn't treated sex so casually.
I remember very clearly the conversation that I had
with one woman, she sat with me and she explained
that she'd gotten caught up in the party and sex scene
and she just didn't really like how it made her feel.
And so when she withdrew from that scene,
she experienced a great deal of ridicule from some
of her closest friends.
This prompted her to ask me why is there tolerance
for everything but abstinence here and I posed that question
to you to answer today along with maybe some encouragement
that if we had a clearer commentary
about how sex really worked we might be able
to create some acceptance for those who make this choice.
Now one of the myths that I hear quite often is
that you can hook up without commitment,
well it turns out that your brain,
not this blood pumping organ
about twelve inches below it is actually the seat of sexual
and romantic emotion;
still I have yet to read a Valentine's Day card
that reads my brain throbs for you.
So we might not really understand how significant our brain
is as an organ of sex.
When you have sex, neurochemicals wash
across the deep limbic system and the thalamus.
One of those neurochemicals is that of dopamine,
now dopamine creates this simultaneous sense of peace
and pleasure, but its real purpose is to drive you back
to the source of pleasure,
to create a craving if you will an addiction
to your sex partner.
Now another chemical is a beautiful chemical oxytocin;
oxytocin has quite a different role,
its job is to bond you to the person you're having sex with.
It's like relationship superglue.
So powerful is it that the very first time any human
experiences it is when they are barely born
and they are tiny little babies suckling
at their mother's breast.
That first download of oxytocin teaches that little baby
to enter into community and relationships
as only humans can through bonding.
Now you can't override these two chemicals
and their addictive and bonding agents
and that's what led one Stanford University sex researcher
to observe the fact that sometimes those in the Friends
with Benefits movement are coming back
to the same friend again and again,
they're just not calling it a relationship.
Maybe they're not unattached as they would like to think.
Friends with benefits might just be physically impossible,
your body makes a promise whether you do or not.
Another myth that I see perpetuated is
that you can have sex, great sex, without being in love,
can you have great sex without being in love,
well maybe physically, but do our emotions count too.
One Penn State study is students who have sex
for the very first time as college students found
that the day after, men felt great about themselves,
better even than they did the day before.
Women, on the other hand,
reported a significant decline in body image.
Now this confused me because it's very counter intuitive
to the oxytocin and the dopamine and cocktail
of other chemicals that wash across our brains,
they should not only bond us to our sex partners,
they should make us feel great about ourselves.
So I did a little research and I found
that a ground breaking study out of the University
of California revealed the fact that when a woman is
in a relationship that's not committed,
her brain doesn't make some
of the significant chemicals quite as magnificently
as one who's in a mutually monogamous partnership.
Maybe, just maybe, great sex requires great love.
One of the things that I've observe is
that the Hebrew cultures use to use a word yada for sex,
kind of like yada, yada, yada.
This word that our culture kind of thinks means blah, blah,
blah, boring, boring, boring,
not so boring to the ancient Hebrew and it meant to know
to be known, to be deeply respected.
Not one inkling of the physical it transcended that to talk
about the emotional connection
that happens during the beautiful act of sex.
In more modern times, a psychology today survey revealed
that when talked about when sex is the greatest,
they said it's more fun when we're in love.
Another myth is this.
Sexual pleasure is greatest when you're young and hot.
Are there any middle aged people out there today?
I have a little antidote for you, a little bit of science
and research for the bad jokes about marriage and sex.
A University of Illinois study found that those
who have having the most frequent
and the hottest sex were actually middle age people
in mutually monogamous life time partnerships,
not college coeds with lots of sex partners.
Now maybe, just maybe we don't really understand
that communication and commitment are two
of the greatest agents of sex;
maybe it's not about hot bodies and youth maybe it's
about commitment and communication.
I think these myths and a few others probably perpetuate the
great lie that somebody whose embracing their virginity
until the time is right is going to end up having bad sex,
but the evidence suggests quite the opposite.
Now here's the bottom line,
when you choose to have sex is your choice
but if your choice is to embrace your virginity
until the time is right,
that's a choice that worthy of our tolerance.
Tolerance is accepting someone's choice without judgment.
I think of Tina Fey and I find it ironic that when she came
out that she was a virgin when she first met her husband
and didn't even have sex with him until she was 24.
It was funny; we laughed a lot,
is that just because she's funny or is it possible
that her choice doesn't get the same tolerance
and acceptance as the other sexual choices in our culture.
I'll leave the answer to you but I want to say this
to the virgins out there about sex, you are going to love it
and I think that your choice is good one, a worthy one,
worthy of our tolerance and our acceptance and to you
and those who maybe aren't virgins but are choosing
to step back and to embrace a life of abstinence
for this time, I think there is nothing shameful
about the way you walking through life.
In fact if I were to call it anything, it's so brave,
I would call it the walk of fame.
Thank you.
[ Applause ]