[Music]
VIP starring Pamela Anderson her name is
very familiar to anyone having been a
teenage boy in the 90s I don't think a
single day went by on the school bus
without hearing Pamela Anderson Pamela
Anderson Pamela Anderson after all she
was in such great movies like barbed
wire and naked souls she was best known
for the TV show Baywatch and after that
there was VIP which I know nothing about
but let's check out the game the story
begins with a doctor calling a team of
bodyguards for help
known as VIP VIP good morning what can
we do for you
this is dr. Kendall speaking it's urgent
I call you for an emergency what's
happened exactly doctor there are there
are men with guns crawling all over my
estate what kind of company is this and
why would you call them why don't you
just call 911 look like an emergency
response team they're dressed like
they're getting ready for a photo shoot
for a magazine cover it doesn't make any
sense
Pamela has never looked so creepy
obviously this is the original
PlayStation so the graphics are
acceptable for their time but I can
never get over this synthetic human look
trying to look like real life but
appearing as lifeless as ever then the
game begins as you go to the doctor's
estate still dressed in your skimpy
outfits and beat up all the thugs who
are trying to break into his home or
whatever the hell is supposed to be
happening
they don't even explain it yet but they
suspect the doctors playing some kind of
trick who cares
let me tell you about the game I use the
term game very loosely because it isn't
really much of a game at all
you just copy the on screen button
combinations if you enter it correctly
Pamela will automatically perform an
attack combo after she's taken out a
group of thugs she will automatically
move to the next screen it's like the
game is playing itself you're just
passively watching the action take place
in what appears to be a fighting game
but is actually more like a hyped up
version of Simon Says you don't even
need the game to play this just get out
your PlayStation controllers and you can
play along with me down Circle
up triangle right square you enjoy that
well you're playing VIP and that's all
there is to it it goes on and on and on
of course I have to mention she's
hitting people with her purse now she's
a girl give her a purse then all of a
sudden things change up you take control
of her partner or I mean as much control
as the game allows here you're moving
the crosshairs of the gun around that's
right she's using a gun then why does
the Pamela character use a purse on the
cover she has a gun but the manual says
she hates guns go figure that out what
can be said about the gun portion of the
game not much have you ever played an
arcade shooter style like this it's the
same thing just move the crosshairs to
the target shoot repeat reload every now
and then repeat repeat what is she
wearing anyway she's going out the
battle and this kind of thing is her
normal job shouldn't she be wearing some
kind of body armor instead she's wearing
as little as she can possibly get away
with this is a scumbags idea of a game
let's get some [ __ ] girls and give
them guns whoo-hoo every now and then
you find diamonds for points and they
always seem to fly up her ass
you can cash the points in to watch more
cutscenes even if it's the same
cutscenes you've already seen without
points or you can see these still shots
what the hell is the point of this
anyway I have to comment on the high
energy music that seems like it's trying
to get you all hyped up for nothing
it sounds sort of like a Sega Genesis
synth guitar that's being choked like
somebody's trying to rock out through a
walkie-talkie that's been shoved up a
hippopotamuses but right before amok
spreads
but still you got to give it credit it's
trying its best just blast it out
through the farts of the hippos ass
cranking out that high-octane pulse
pounding hard rocking music and in the
end all I'm doing is just pressing
buttons down right square left square
axe
right square axe
[Music]