[Please keep these captions clean for deaf viewers. Funny extras can be added to the English (Canada) subs. Thank you!]
[♫ (within the ship)]
GOHAN: So Dad, what's the first thing you wanna do when we get to Namek?
[Yajirobe is heard eating the background] Maybe go fishing? Camping? Any thing that doesn't involve training?
GOKU: I'm gonna be first in line to try some old fashioned Namekian cooking.
GOHAN: ...I don't see that happening...
GOKU: Not with THAT attitude!
KRILLIN: I'm looking forward to a relaxing vacation!
This'll be the first time that I've been on Namek where I haven't been beaten up!
...Or stabbed!
...Or exploded!
ROSHI: *I'm* looking to get with some sexy Namekian ladies!
KRILLIN: ...I... don't see that happening...
ROSHI [off-screen]: Not with THAT attitude!
YAJIROBE [mouth full]: I'm just looking forward to getting some time away from Korin.
KRILLIN: Are you two fighting? Because I notice a distinct lack of cat hair on you.
YAJIROBE: Yum (eating noise intensifies)
GOKU: Hey, Piccolo! What's your favorite Namekian dish?
GOHAN [o-s; muffled]: Dad... I hate to break it to you, but... Namekians don't eat.
GOKU [o-s; muffled]: That's weird. They're weird.
NAIL: 'So, haven't been home in a while eh, Kami?'
KAMI: 'Bout 500 years, give or take.'
PICCOLO: Eh. You're not missing much.
KAMI: 'Oh, please.'
'Unlike you, I remember the halcyon days of our planet...'
'Beautiful blue landscapes, a thriving culture...'
'Our beautiful kinship with our Albino brothers.'
NAIL: 'Oooooh...' PICCOLO: 'Oooooh...'
KAMI: 'What?'
OOLONG: ...Uh, guys? Can a planet get cancer?
KRILLIN: That's a weird question, why do you--
*Whoa*, wow!
ROSHI: If it needs some inspectin', I'm your man!
I've done my share of mammograms in my day if you catch my drift!
OOLONG: When I do them, they're called "hammograms".
YAJIROBE: That'll do, pig.
GOKU: Oh, boy. Someone should probably go tell Piccolo.
PICCOLO: Someone should go tell Piccolo
*whaaaaAAAAAAAAAaaaahhh*...!!
CYCLOID: BEEP
KEEL: 'That's it.'
'Enough of this.'
'Time to f**k some FACE!'
CYCLOID: BEEP
KEEL: Oh no, my face!
MOURI: No, please! He's but a boy. He knows not what he does!
CYCLOID: BEEP
MOURI [o-s]: You're so cruel...
CYCLOID: BEEP
GOHAN: Hyah!
GOKU: I don't want to have to solve this with violence,
but I also *really* wanna punch you.
And your friends.
CYCLOID: BEEP
KRILLIN [o-s]: That one's askin' for it!
GOKU: What are you even doing on New Namek?
CYCLOID: BEEP
GOKU: A what?
Well, I think we have one on the ship, but the sodas aren't cold yet.
META-COOLER (cyborg voice): I believe they're referring to me.
ALL CYCLOIDS: (Beeps of applause)
META-COOLER: Thank you, thank you. You're too kind. ALL CYCLOIDS: (Beeps of applause)
CYCLOID: BEEP
META-COOLER [o-s]: And you're just brown-nosing.
GOKU: So, you return once again, Freezer.
GOHAN [o-s]: Cooler.
GOKU: Cooler.
META-COOLER: Yes, I have returned, *dumbass*.
GOKU: Goku.
META-COOLER: *DUMBASS*.
With the help of the Big Gete Star!
KRILLIN [o-s]: HA, ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
META-COOLER: Thanks to it, I have been reborn with this new dynamic, metal form.
With it, we have entrapped this planet.
And now...
...we are going to f**k it.
Both figuratively...
And *very literally*.
KRILLIN: ...You know, just because it can't reject you, doesn't imply consent.
META-COOLER: Now - what say you?
PICCOLO: Freeza did it.
META-COOLER: Excuse you?
KRILLIN: The robot thing; Freeza did it. When he came back to Earth...
META-COOLER: But, that's not the same; I--
PICCOLO: *After* he took over Namek, like you are now.
META-COOLER: Wait! He *destroyed* Namek!
GOHAN: Well, this is New Namek.
META-COOLER: So it's completely *different*!
PICCOLO: Yeah - about as different as you are from Freeza.
KRILLIN [o-s]: Shots fired!
META-COOLER: Kill the bald one.
CYCLOID: BEEP
KRILLIN: Freeza did it--
AYRRG!
CYCLOID: BEEP
GOHAN: Eep!
PICCOLO: Stop being a bunch of pansies!
OOLONG: I'm gonna die on an alien planet! Dammit, I'm becoming Krillin!
YAJIROBE: Calm your tits, Scrabo-breath. Master Roshi's got this one.
ROSHI: I have many things...
* A best friend who's a turtle...
*A best friend who's a turtle... * An island...
*A best friend who's a turtle... * An island... * Chlamydia...
This...
This... is not one of 'em.
YAJIROBE: Oh... well then, what do we--
ROSHI: (Groaning)
OOLONG: Hey, Master Roshi! Why don't ya try giving them the clap, ya jackass?!
GOKU: (Grunts of exertion)
(Grunts of pain)
So, I keep punching you, but you ain't budgin'.
META-COOLER: That would be my new metal body.
GOKU: Which you got from the Spaghetti Star, right?
META-COOLER: ...Not dignifying that. Look, why don't you just turn Super Saiyan?
Then we can get *serious*.
GOKU: But I don't want to end the fight *yet*; we just started...
I mean, why don't you use that little mask thing?
META-COOLER: Good question. But I've got a better one, though:
What's that thing on your face?
GOKU: What's what on thing on m--
META-COOLER: MAH FIST!
GOKU: Wauwh...!
Alright, fine! I'll go Super Saiyan.
But I'm doing this for *me*.
PICCOLO: RAARRGH!
CYCLOID: BEEP
PICCOLO: F**k!
'Dammit! I gotta find a way to break these things...'
NAIL: 'Have ya tried hitting them harder?'
PICCOLO: That sounds like something Goku would say.
KAMI: 'Yes... and remember that time you've never beaten him?'
PICCOLO: RAAAGH~!
'Huh... it worked.'
GOKU: HiraaaaAAAA--
IYAAH!
Heh-hey! It worked!
Wow, the Big Ghetto Star ain't no one's fool.
META-COOLER: That's right, monkey.
With the power of the Big Gete Star - I can recover from any injury, no matter how intense.
But enough about me. LET'S KILL YOOOUUUU~!
GOKU: D'ROAAGH!
(Choking noises)
CYCLOID: BEEP
GOHAN: GUHG!
UU-HAGH!
KRILLIN: HI GOHAN!
Any ideas?
GOHAN [o-s]: Well, our opponents are mechanical...
CYCLOID: BEEP
GOHAN: ...which means they'll have structural weak points we can exploit; likely their joint areas.
I suggest-- huh?
PICCOLO: I figured it out. We just need to hit them really, really hard.
GOHAN: ...That sounds like something my Dad would say.
PICCOLO: Right!
KRILLIN: I've prepared my whole life for this...
IT'S KRILLER TI--!
{CRUNCH}
It's never gonna to be a thing...
PICCOLO [o-s]: Just use your friggin' Kienzan! *Christ*!
GOKU: (Still choking)
META-COOLER: My *God*, you take an eternity to choke.
GOKU [o-s; struggling]: Is... that all you... got?
META-COOLER: As a matter of fact...!
GOKU [struggling harder]: Aah, regret, *regret*!
META-COOLER: GAUGH...!
GOKU [o-s; slightly choked]: Oh, hey Vegeta. When and how did you get here?
VEGETA: Apologies. But if anyone's going to kill Kakarot...
*it's me*.
GOKU: And you're not even that good at it.
VEGETA: Shut your hole, Kakarot.
Anyway, we meet at last...
Anyway, we meet at last... Cooler.
META-COOLER: Yes, we do...
...y-you?
VEGETA: Wait. Do you not know who I am?
META-COOLER: *Should I*?
VEGETA: I am Vegeta:
Prince of All Saiyans!
Prince of All Saiyans! Last of my Royal Blood!
Prince of All Saiyans! Last of my Royal Blood! Bringer of Death!
Prince of All Saiyans! Last of my Royal Blood! Bringer of Death! Destroyer of Worlds!
And wrecker of your shit!
META-COOLER: Saiyan, hm? Forgive me. I was under the impression there was only one of you.
VEGETA: Oh, trust me...
there is only *one* of *me*.
META-COOLER: Then my eyes must deceive me,
because I believe I see *two dead monkeys*!
VEGETA: Raaah!
AAAAAaaaaaa...!
...rrrrrRRRAAAA--!
AAAAAaaaaa...!
...rrrrrRRRAAA--!
AAAAAaaaaa...!
...rrrrrRRRAAA--!
[Multiple BEEPS as Cycloids explode]
CYCLOID: BEEP
GOHAN: Mr. Piccolooo...!
PICCOLO: I'm coming!
KRILLIN: Phrasing! I mean, *helllp*...!
PICCOLO: Nice try, but you're not just gonna pull me away like--
huh?
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Dicks!
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Dicks! *Dicks*!!
NAIL: 'They're just *bullets*, they're hardly even--'
'...oh cool, cannons! Those'll hurt.'
PICCOLO: They doooo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo...!
VEGETA: AAAAaaaaaa...!
META-COOLER: He's quite persistent.
GOKU: You have *no* idea.
VEGETA: ...rrRRAAHHH--!
AAAaaaaa...!
GOKU: ...He's actually a really nice guy after you get to know him.
META-COOLER: I doubt that.
VEGETA: Son of a bitch, I got you this tiiiiii--!
{CRUNCH}
D'AAAAAA--!
Mmmmff!
META-COOLER: You want to know what death tastes like?!
VEGETA: Mmmmfff! Mmmhhmmff!!
GOKU: Hiyaaa!
META-COOLER: GAUGH!
VEGETA: Hurgh! Would you just--
...what?! Where did you--
GOKU: Don't worry! Saved ya again, best buddy!
VEGETA: That's it! Killing you both!
BIG BANG ATTACK!!
[♫ Ave Maria ♫]
[♫ Ave Maria ♫] (Faint high-pitched squeal)
GOKU: Huh?
Aww~, he's all tuckered out...
PICCOLO: Alright, you get that out of your system?
CYCLOID: BEEP
PICCOLO: Okay, just wanted to make sure.
CYCLOID: BEEP
PICCOLO: Okay, good. (Inhale)
HRRAAAAAAAAAHH!!!
[Lots of BEEPing]
'Alright, better go save Gohan...'
KAMI: 'What about the others?'
PICCOLO: 'What *about* the others?'
D.V.E.D: Hello, meatbags! (In the breakdown, Kaiser said he's called "D.V.E.D")
Let me be the first to congratulate you on your selection to have your life juices power the Big Gete Star!
I hope the amenities are to your liking!
YAJIROBE: They're not!
D.V.E.D: Then good news! You won't be staying long!
YAJIROBE: You're damn right!
Eegh!
D.V.E.D: Splendid! A volunteer! Quick everyone, to the de-organer!
VEGETA: He keeps kickin' me in the dick!
Why?!
Why does he keep kickin' me in the dick?!
GOKU: Wait! I think I might have a way to beat him!
VEGETA: If you say, "hit him really hard", I swear to God,
I will kick YOU in the dick!
GOKU: I-I guess...
we could hit him...
really hard--
VEGETA: Hurrrgh...!
GOKU: --together...?
VEGETA: ...Whatever.
YAARGH!
GOKU: HIYAGH!
GOKU: HIYAAAGH...! VEGETA: YAAAARGH...!
GOKU: Hey, Vegeta!
What works? Teamwor--!
VEGETA: Finish him off, you *gibbering oaf*!
{BOOM}
[Both Saiyans panting]
GOKU [exhausted]: See...?
♪ We can do anything by working with each other... ♪
VEGETA [o-s; e]: *Just shut the f**k up*, Kakarot...
GOKU [e]: Hey...
We beat him, right?
VEGETA [o-s; e]: Yeah...
He turned into smoke.
[Orchestal music] GOKU [o-s]: ...Then who's *that* guy?
META-COOLER: Hello, buddy~!
GOKU: Oh, right... the Serengeti Star.
META-COOLERS [echo]: That's right...
I am Legion...
For we are--
VEGETA: --A pain in my ass.
GOKU [o-s]: Well, Vegeta...
You take the five hundred on the right...
I'll take the five hundred on the left.
VEGETA: Screw you, I'll take five hundred and one!
GOKU: That's the spirit!
GOKU: HIRAAAAAAAAH...!
VEGETA: AAAAAAAAAAGH...! GOKU: HIRAAAAAAAAH...!
[Music and yelling cut-off]
GOKU: Wow... I can't believe every single one of them kicked you in the dick...
VEGETA: (High-pitched squeal)
GOKU: So... where the heck are we, anyway?
COOLER (slightly deeper voice) [o-s]: You are inside...
COOLER (slightly deeper voice) [o-s]: You are inside... of me...
GOKU: (Gasp)
Vegeta! He *shrank* us!
COOLER: What? No. No! I'm part of the Big Gete Star!
GOKU: Oh, you're a head...
Well that's neat... probably you don't punch as hard as you used to, though...
COOLER [o-s]: I'm sure you're dying to know the story...
GOKU: I'm really not interested--
COOLER: You see...
[Flashback]
...What the fu--?!
[Flashback ends] And that's how it happened.
And now, with the help of your energy, we shall have everything we need to fuel the Big Gete Star,
as well as rebuild myself even better than before...
BIG GETE STAR: BEEP
COOLER: Shut up, baby! I know it!
[Both Saiyans scream in pain]
[Screaming continues in background] BGS: BEEP
[Screaming continues in background] COOLER: Oh, yes...
[Screaming continues in background] COOLER: Oh, yes... to the *laaast*...
[Screaming continues in background] COOLER: Oh, yes... to the *laaast*... *drrrop*...
Ah, delicious. Now, to dispose of the tra--
Huh?
What?! Impossible! You were bone dry!
BGS: BEEP
COOLER: I know, but I can't stop them!
Where are the mes?! SEND IN THE MES!
BGS: BEEP
COOLER: WHAT DO YOU MEAN, I'M EXPLODING?!
[All Meta-Coolers exploding]
Aaah, f--
BGS: BEEP
COOLER: --mes!
YAJIROBE: (Yelling)
No! Please! You can't kill me! There's someone at home that I love!
DVED: Beautiful! What's her name?
YAJIROBE: He-he-he's a cat named Korin!
DVED: I am no one to judge!
But I do decide your fate!
Kill him s--
Kill him s--looow,
Kill him s--looow... loooow,
Kill him s--looow... loooow... loooow...
Kill him s--looow... loooow... loooow... looooowwww...
{CLICK}
Drop the bass.
{BOOM}
[Alarm]
GOHAN: Everyone, follow me!
Aww... crap-baskets.
KRILLIN: I am not dying here again!
{BOOM}
[♫ Terminator Genisys main theme ♫]
PICCOLO: Come with me if you want to live.
GOHAN: Eh, wrong sci-fi, but it'll do.
COOLER: How?! It literally doesn't make any *sense*!
It took everything you had to defeat a *single* "me",
yet you have enough power to overload the *Big Gete Star*?!
HOW?! HOW DID YOU DO THIS?!
GOKU: It looks like... you underestimated our power.
Just like--
COOLER: Don't you dare--
GOKU: --you did on Earth.
COOLER: Oh.
...Fair enou--
VEGETA: And just like Freeza.
[Epic orchestral music] COOLER: (Yelling in rage)
GOKU: Ugh.
Ugh.
COOLER: Did Freeza ever do THIS?!
GOKU: Beginning to feel like you have something against your brother.
COOLER: DIE.
GOKU: GAAAAAAH!! COOLER: *DIIIIE*~!!
COOLER: *HuuWAAAAAAaaaaagh*...!!
VEGETA: That...
VEGETA: That... was for...
VEGETA: That... was for... muh dick...
Ughhh...
[Thud]
GOKU: HerrrrrYAAGH!
Time to put you...
ON ICE...!
COOLER: ...*Really*...?
(Sigh)...
BGS: BEEP
KRILLIN: Huh...
Well, Goku's dead again.
Any of you guys got Dragon Balls?
GOHAN: Wait - look!
KRILLIN [o-s]: Wait, is that Vegeta?
GOHAN: (Joyful laughter)
GOKU: (Tired laughter)
GOKU [o-s]: Thanks for bringing those Senzu, Bean Daddy!
YAJIROBE: S'what I do.
GOKU: Y'know, I learned something today. In the end, when all is said and done...
Freezer was cooler...
and Cooler...
and Cooler... was freezer.
GOHAN: ...So, now that it's over, we should probably go find Dende.
KRILLIN: Yeah, where is Little Green? He's the one who invited us to vacation here in the first place.
MOURI: Oh wait, you thought...?
But he...
oh, my....
I think you may have misinterpreted his message.
DENDE: WHERE THE F**K IS EVERYONE?!
[♫ Monkey Vs Robot (by James Kochalka) ♫]
♫ Monkey hate technology ♫
♫ Robot hate the monkey ♫
♫ They will fight eternally ♫
♫ Why can't we all get along ♫
♫ Would that be oh so wrong? ♫
♫ Why can't we all love each other ♫
♫ Monkey and a robot brother ♫
♫ Monkey vs Robot ♫
♫ Monkey, R O B O T ♫
♫ Robot, M O N K E Y ♫
[Fade-out] ♫ Monkey, R O B O T ♫
[Fade-out] ♫ Robot, M O N K E Y ♫
BGS (high-pitched): BEEP
VEGETA: Flawless victory.