[Godzilla theme playing]
He's gonna take you back to the past.
To play the shitty games that suck ass.
He'd rather have a Buffalo take a diarrhea dump in his ear.
He'd rather eat the rotten asshole of a roadkill skunk and down it with beer.
He's the angriest gamer you've ever heard!
He's the Angry Nintendo Nerd.
He's the Angry Atari Sega Nerd, He's the Angry Video Game Nerd!
*'Super Godzilla' theme plays*
*'Super Godzilla' theme plays* *Godzilla roars*
*'Super Godzilla' theme continues, then fades out*
As a kid, two of my favorite things were video games and Japanese monster movies.
Godzilla, Mothra, Rodan, Ghidorah, Mechagodzilla.
Monsters beating the hell out of each other and blowing the fuck out of everything in sight. I love that shit.
Being a Godzilla fan in the late 80's and early 90's wasn't easy for an American,
because for one thing, the only way to see these movies
was to scan through the TV guide every Sunday and see if any happen to be on,
or go to every local video store, hoping to be lucky enough to find some on VHS.
During my lifetime, there were only two Godzilla films released in theaters here in the United States:
Godzilla 1985, and Godzilla 2000.
(The 1998 American version doesn't count.)
It wasn't until I got Internet, that I found out Toho had still been making these movies all through the 90's
But they were only in Japan! I was pissed off.
When it came to video games, we also got fucked pretty hard.
This was my first Godzilla game: 'Godzilla' on the NES. Let's pop this piece of reptilian fuck nugget in...
'Godzi: Monster of Monsters'!
This should already be a clue to how half-assed this game is because he's blocking 'half' the title!
In 2xxx A.D.
Why is it always 'X'? Like they couldn't come up with an exact year. So just make it 'X'.
The Earth receives - a Dec...lar...a...tion.
Oh fuck this, let's start the game.
*sarcastically* Great looking game. What's this 'Godzilla Chess'?
So you take control of both Godzilla and Mothra and move them around these hexagons spaces.
Then you go into these battle zones.
This is more like it right? Classic side-scroller action. More like classic mindless button masher.
Oh well. At least you have a lot of attacks.
Godzilla punches, kicks, swings his tail and breathes his trademark atomic breath.
How often has Godzilla ever been in space? Once as far as I remember, 'Godzilla vs. Monster Zero', why not take place on Earth? I want to trample some buildings.
Once as far as I remember: 'Godzilla vs. Monster Zero'.
Why not take place on Earth? I want to trample some buildings.
Instead, I'm just beating up on rocks.
And how does Godzilla jump without bending his knees? Looks like he's bouncing on a trampoline.
What are these things? Evil totem poles? What's this too? What's that? What's everything?
Did they just send Godzilla to some shit-hole planet that happens to be the garbage can of the cosmos
where everything that never existed got thrown away?
After you get through one of the battle zones, the CPU moves one of its own monsters.
Then it's your turn again, you can move Godzilla or Mothra, if you want?
Yeah, let's check out Mothra.
Well the good thing is that she can fly, obviously, which means you can bypass obstacles.
When you're playing as Godzilla, every two seconds there's a pile of rocks in your way. But Mothra just flies over that shit.
But Mothra just flies over that shit.
Well except when you get hit!
Anything that touches her she gets forced to the ground.
She can shoot tomatoes. And drop wings. Yeah, she drops wings.
That would be like if you could throw your own arms.
Mothra sucks, that's all there is to it. When you pick Mothra, the game just laughs.
*8-bit 'Godzilla: Monster of Monsters' theme playing*
What's this? What the fuck's hitting me? What is this?!
Oh, it's the volcano? I can't walk past a volcano that's in the background?!
All I got to do is hit it?
*sarcastically* That's a sensible solution, kick the top of a volcano!
The idea of each board is to destroy all the monsters. Here we have Moguera and Gezora.
Are you kidding? Moguera and Gezora?
Out of all the available monsters in the Godzilla franchise,
they had to go with two monsters that weren't even originally from a Godzilla movie.
Of course, Moguera appeared in 'Godzilla vs. Space Godzilla'
and there's stock footage of Gezora in 'Godzilla: Final Wars',
but those movies didn't happen until way after this game.
I found a glitch where you can just keep hitting Moguera with your tail.
Look at that.
So easy.
*in-game fighting sound effects*
What happened? There's a time limit?
Yeah, so if you take too long to fight the monster you got to start over, and the monster regains some of its life.
You don't.
The worst part, after you defeated Moguera and Gezora and go the next stage, guess who's next?
Moguera and Gezora.
Yeah, they just keep recycling the same monsters, but add one per stage.Then made a small cameo in a Godzilla film.
Like here we have Varan, another obscure monster that appeared in its own movie,
Then made a small cameo in a Godzilla film.
Engaging the monsters in battle is awkward. "Will you fight the enemy?" Yes.
"Will you fight Gezora?" Yes, that's the enemy right?
Other times, you don't want to fight the enemy, but it doesn't take no for an answer!
No!
God dammit, I said no!
Then there's times when the game thinks you're trying to move and the monster's blocking your way.
Like yeah, there's the monster, I want to fight him.
Throughout the game, the choice of enemies gradually becomes more what you'd expect.
It goes from Baragon and the Smog Monster, to Gigan and Ghidorah,
but Ghidorah's tucked away in a corner, so you'll be lucky if you get that far.
Here's Mechagodzilla. Now that's what I'm talking about!
Almost got him. I'm gonna win! I'm gonna beat Mechagodzilla!
That fucking time limit! That mother, fucking, shit, sucking, time limit!
It's not even like there's a counter, It's like the game just pulls the plug! Like: Oh, you're gonna win?
Well, not anymore you ass-bag, fecal fucker, shit shaped anus brain!
The game cheats. That's it. That's all there is to it, the game fucking cheats.
But we're not done, because there's a sequel, 'Godzilla 2'. This one's got to be way better, right?
I mean they experimented with the first one, little trial and error. Now it's time for some improvement,
I mean sometimes you got to take a nasty shit before you can take a better shit.
*8-bit 'Godzilla 2' music playing*
What is this?!
This doesn't even look like a Godzilla game!
This is just as much of a Godzilla game as SimCity when the monster attacks!
You don't even get to play as Godzilla. You're the military.
You just move tanks and planes around like a fucking board game!
When you go to battle mode, it sort of goes into an RPG style. You each take your turns attacking.
Whether or not you hit or miss, depends on the outcome...
of a slot machine.
Yes, a fucking slot machine.
I don't even understand how this whole thing works.
But one thing for sure, you'll never be lucky enough to match up all three.you might do minimal damage at best, but the monsters keep regaining their energy, but not you!
you might do minimal damage at best, but the monsters keep regaining their energy! But not you!
But not you!
The music in this game is so horrible, they actually have an option to turn it off. But when you turn off the music, it turns off the sound effects too.
But when you turn off the music, it turns off the sound effects too!
So what's the point? You might as well just mute the fucking TV!
You thought the first game was bad?
THIS is an insult to the first game! This shouldn't have been called 'Godzilla 2'.
This shouldn't have been called 'Godzilla 2'!
That would be like if the NES had a 'Ninja Gaiden 4', but it was a puzzle game.
You don't pretend this is a sequel when it's not even in the same category!
Should have been called: 'Godzilla: Strategic Operations Simulator' or 'Simzilla'.
Well, I'm afraid to say, but let's check out 'Godzilla' on GameBoy.
OK, this looks promising, the demo shows the monster roll call. They all look great.
Godzilla looks OK. His head's kind of messed up.
Looks like that thing in 'Empire Strikes Back', that comes out of the asteroid.
But let's see how the game looks.
*GameBoy 'Godzilla' music playing and fighting sounds*
Wha-!
Uh-!
Are you fucking joking?
Godzilla looks like the dragons from 'Bubble Bobble'!
You're going around climbing vines, pushing rocks and hitting monsters
with a BOXING GLOVE that Godzilla spits from his mouth.
How could they do this to the king of the monsters?!
They might as well have Godzilla in a clown suit jumping on a Pogo stick!
I'm not even gonna waste my time with this shit.
The best way to sum this up, is to recite a very famous quote from William Shakespeare...
"Fuck it".
*Godzilla theme playing*
Next up, moving over to Super Nintendo, we got 'Super Godzilla'!
Ooh, now we're bringing "super" into it. That means we're not playing around anymore, time to get serious.
That means we're not playing around anymore, time to get serious.
*Godzilla roars and 'Super Godzilla theme plays*
Ooh, the year 199X!
They narrowed it down to the decade, so I guess they were a little more confident with the date on this one.
The graphics are nice. It looks like what you'd expect in a Godzilla game. but the gameplay is a totally different story.
But the gameplay is a totally different story.
You control Godzilla, who's represented by a blue dot on the map screen, the top of the screen, is just for show.
So playing as Godzilla, you'd want to be destroying buildings, right?
Well here, the buildings drain your health.
That makes no sense! Godzilla destroys buildings all the time! That's what he's good at!
That's like if Mike Tyson couldn't punch anybody without hurting his hand.
When you engage the enemy monster, it goes to a battle screen. Now this looks like the Godzilla game I've been waiting for.
Now THIS looks like the Godzilla game I've been waiting for.
But no, not quite. Because it's unlike any fighting game you've ever played.
The on-screen instructions don't make any sense.
There's two stamina meters which they refer to as "fighting spirit".
They say to "hold down the enemy's fighting spirit,
then punch to open up Godzilla's attack window and pull back quickly".
So let me try to summarize:
you get close to the enemy, you punch them,
then you go back and hit L and R to choose an attack.
They don't tell you that do they? They don't tell you you're supposed to press L and fucking R!
Why is it so hard to have two monsters fighting without it being a fucking Einstein project?
I'd hate to say, but I still prefer the NES version. At least that one's easy to understand how to play it!
By this time, I gave up on Godzilla games. If they couldn't get it right on Super Nintendo, then all hope was gone.
My wish, was just to have a traditional tournament fighter, featuring all the Godzilla monsters.
Well my wish was half-granted. The Godzilla game of my dreams was actually made, but only released in Japan.
Which means we're going to have to play it on the Super Famicom.
It's called "Godzilla: Kaijuu Daikessen".
It's bittersweet to finally play this. Today it's nothing special, but back then I would have loved it.
It has most of the monsters you know from the movies.
They all have special moves, the backgrounds are recognizable and the music is there.
It's fuckin' Godzilla.
But the whole tragedy of this, and what I'll never forget, is that Nintendo Power teased me with this game.
Issue 72, May 1995.
Coming Soon: 'Godzilla: Destroy All Monsters'.
When I saw this page, I shit my pants.
"A Godzilla tournament fighter? Oh my God, I can't wait to play this".
Never again was it mentioned and never could I find it in stores.
Only in Japan, only in Japan.
Fifteen years later, I'm still pissed.
All I wanted was a great Godzilla game, but my childhood passed me by and I never got it.
But nowadays, there's plenty of Godzilla games.
'Godzilla: Destroy all Monsters Melee', 'Godzilla: Save the Earth', 'Godzilla: Unleashed'.
This is after my time. I don't know anything about this here, PlayStation 2 and Xbox shit.
But I'm going to give it a try.
*Extremely awesome music playing*
*Heartbeat*
FUUUUUUUUUUCCCKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!
Why couldn't I have those games when I was a kid?
Goddammit. I was born too fucking early!
*Sigh* Instead, I have to grow up with these miserable pieces of shit, fucking anal jugs.
These games suck Baragon's sweaty ball sack!
I'd rather get an electric shock from sucking Mechagodzilla's mechanical wiener!
These games are shit drizzling out of the Smog Monster's rancid, putrid a-hole!
And then, being swallowed and barfed up by Anguirus, while I lay on his spikes getting Gigan's buzzsaw up my ass!
While Destoroyah dumps his diabolical diarrhea all over my face!
Man, it's just a bunch of fuck. It's a pile of cunt. Fuck! Shit! Fuck! Cunt! Fuck!
God dammit. I just said fuck from the bottom of my heart and I said every curse that there is. There's nothing left.
So you know what, somebody's got to invent a new curse word.
I think I got it. This game, these fucking games! Are...
*BEEP*
Oh Yeah, it's that bad!
Revised by Yuri Tsukikage
[Godzilla screaming, AVGN says FUCK]