'What are you done?'
Welcome back to my Dark Corner of this Sick World.
‘This may not be pleasant so if any of you don’t want to come, say so.
’What’s the creepiest line of dialogue you can think of for a film called Hands of a Stranger?
‘Gee Mr, you got strong hands’
Fortunately this is actually the story of a concert pianist,
‘I play the piano and I don’t think I’m a sissy’
who, following a car accident has another pair hands grafted on and becomes a killer.
‘A series of tragedies with one thing in common; the human hand’
If that sounds familiar then it’s because this is the 4th and so far last version of Maurice Renard’s novel The Hands of Orlac.
‘What we’ve done has never been done before, it's a triumph for us’
The 1924 and 35 versions starring Conrad Veidt and Peter Lorre respectively
are horror classics and this is a really solid grotesque story, but...
‘It can’t always work, Gil’
Sad but true.
‘Well Mr, how’d you like it?’
There are only so many ways you can screw up a good story
but one of them is to make it into a series of angry exchanges.
‘You’re not a doctor, you’re a monster’
'A selfish crazy monster!'
between people who are going to be angry whether the line demands it or not.
‘I don’t even know about Mother Goose or the wee people in the glen’
You trying saying that angrily.
‘Anything else?’
In fairness, the actors are fighting a bigger problem,
which is evident even when talking about the film’s primary focus.
‘Hands, amazing things when you think about it’
Is that all you have to say?
‘a genius device of flesh and bone that can paint a picture, hold a scapel or pull a trigger’
The writer’s approach to dialogue seems to be; what’s the longest way of saying this?
'I find it valuable to get as many details as possible before minds have become colored by the...
'Calmness and the simplest born of time.'
Now imagine every line is written like that
‘Beautiful perhaps, but monotonous’
as if the characters are thumbing through a thesaurus...
‘Yes I see I shouldn’t have put it that way in your present state of mind.'
As if the writer is crossing out words from a dictionary going. Well, these are great. I'm gonna use all of these
'Please doctor I saw your little outburst to perfectionism in there
'And I'm sure you have several million words on the ideals and objectives of medical science
'But all I'd like to know is what happened so I can start an accurate report.'
But it's not just the length of the lines. It's their number.
‘How can you blame anyone for this?’
Simple scenes turn into endurance marathons of angry characters exchanging this needlessly florid garbage.
‘Are you trying to ease me into the acceptance of a failure, dr’
This is the most overwritten film I’ve ever come across,
‘But medical science gave a new per of hands so I could play again’
Why is this man re-telling the plot? It’s not a complicated film.
‘I suppose I can create an acceptable story’
I’d say you could just excise all the dialogue but when the director tries his hand at visual storytelling
it lapses into incomprehensible.
Plus, the changes made to the story aren’t brilliant;
pianist Vernon has lost the ability to play after the transplant.
Sort of feel like he’s not trying, and his hands were mangled,
if it wasn’t for the surgery he wouldn’t have hands at all.
‘Vengeance on everyone who destroyed his ability to play music.’
Ungrateful but I’ll buy it, the problem is...
'Don't touch me...'
The first death is an accident and has nothing to do with vengeance,
2nd death also an accident.
The man kissing was one of the surgical team;
this is a revenge murder,
'Oh Vernon, was that you playing?'
but we don’t see it. In fact we don’t see any of the revenge killings,
I killed him on my way here, didn’t seem important.
'How stupid I was.'
The nurse he forgets about completely, even though the film repeatedly stresses the 4-person team.
‘Tonight, 4 people did everything they could to help your brother’
and the lead doctor he lures here with no apparent plan,
‘You’re interested in nothing but vengeance? Beauty’s no longer important to you?’ ‘
On the contrary, justice is a form of moral beauty’
except possibly that they talk each other to death.
#gun shot#
Inevitably Vernon is killed and…
we get a reference to Michelangelo’s Creation of Adam as the film reaches for a visual pretentiousness that almost matches the verbal.
‘On the other hand I suspect you of some premeditated diddling on the hillside’
Seriously the only thing I liked in this film is that the car crash is partly caused by them talking.
‘I never thought about it like that’
I suppose it’s to much to hope that the filmmakers appreciated the irony.
'That guy is some sort of a nut!'
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What other B Movies suffer from verbal diarrhoea? Let us know in the comments below.
'You don't like it, I'll quit OK.'