- So I did what all of us would do.
I dried the underwear off as best as I could.
Shut up! Shut up!
Shut up!
This is not easy for me.
[percussive music]
♪
- [screaming]
[dark electronic music]
♪
[crashing]
[all screaming]
♪
[screaming]
♪
- [growling]
♪
- This next comedian you guys are gonna absolutely love.
He's one of my favorites.
Please give it up for Mr. Rory Scovel, everybody.
[cheers and applause]
- There's no reason why
any kid should ever assume,
ever in their life,
that if they were to fart hard enough
they could shit themselves.
Think about that. Like, as a kid,
why would you ever assume that's an outcome?
Why would you ever assume that's even a possibility?
The only way you would know that for sure
is if an adult told you,
and that's clearly the creepiest adult in the world.
"Hey, bud, come here for a second.
"Hey, did you know if you fart hard enough
"you can shit yourself? That's right,
"tell your parents we have a relationship.
Run along. Have a good one."
Creepy neighbor guy.
Another kid isn't gonna tell you that.
If another kid told you, then you know it happened to them.
They don't want to out themselves.
The only way to find out that that's a real scenario
is the hard way.
And now we all know what this story's about.
The music kicks in.
♪ Ahh
I was 11. [giggles]
I didn't know who I was then.
[chuckles]
But I found out.
[laughs]
I was 11 years old.
I was... [chuckles]
If I can open up to you guys...
[laughter]
I was headed to a back-to-school,
end-of-the-summer pool party
at a friend's house.
And this is going into seventh grade.
This is when it starts to fucking matter,
you know what I mean?
Before seventh grade, you didn't give a shit.
You just did whatever you did.
But as soon as, like-- when you're 11, 12,
you start caring what people think.
It's really the moment in time
where everything becomes horrific
for the rest of your life because you start to care
so much about what people think.
I'm on my way to this pool party.
My step-mother's driving.
We got to stop at gymnastics to pick up my sister.
She gets out of the car, runs inside to grab her.
I'm just sitting in the car.
I have to fart, you know what I mean?
Little did I know I had to shit.
I thought I only had to fart.
I thought, you know what, I gotta fart,
move some stuff around in here.
We all think that. Like, when you have to shit
and you go, "If I fart a little bit,
make a little room."
You know what I mean? Move the furniture around.
Little feng shui of the gut.
Do a little feng shui of the gut,
if we can.
I farted
and my world changed.
[laughter]
I was no longer just an innocent child.
The world became a real place.
One second ago I was just a normal kid.
Now I'm someone who understands that people die every day.
[laughter]
Every day people die.
That's the world we truly live in.
And I now know that.
When you are 11 and you fucking fart in your car
and shit yourself, you're like...
[yells]
[yelling] "What?"
You have to--first you have to
just grasp the concept that that's a thing.
You didn't know that. You're like, "Aah!
"Okay, noted.
"Never do this again. Never.
Never have this kind of confidence."
[laughter]
"You got to figure out how to fix this situation.
"All right, I got to go inside.
I got to sort this out."
I had about 30 yards between the car and the front door
into the gymnastics place.
And that's what we'll call it: the gymnastics place.
Those are the words I've chosen for this story.
You have 30 yards to figure out
how to walk as though it looks like
you didn't just shit yourself.
When you first get out of the car, you're waddling
a little bit because it gives you kind of an idea of what
you're working with back there.
How much did I shit, you know what I mean?
You don't know.
Waddle a little bit.
Try to see. Where are the boundaries?
You can't waddle for too long,
because if someone sees you waddling,
their first guess is that you've shit yourself.
No one's like, "Oh, that kid has a problem."
They're like, "No, he probably shit himself.
I bet he found out the hard way that life is real."
You have 30 yards to go from like,
"Aah" to, like, some sort of upright, big left arm swing...
"Hi, I'm a member of the country club.
"How are you? I'm 11.
I pay my monthly dues."
[laughter]
You have 30 yards to figure out how to walk,
'cause as soon as you get through those doors,
now there's people watching.
And you gotta get to the bathroom.
I get in there.
There's not a men's room
and a women's room.
There's just one bathroom
that everybody has to use, like, individually.
I know, right? Like, even then,
gymnastics didn't have the funding.
It's a fucked-up situation.
[laughter]
I get in there.
And I see the bathroom.
Bolt past everybody.
Go in. Close the door.
Home free.
Here we are in the bathroom
where we can really fix this situation.
What do I do first? I get the underwear off, folks.
I'm not an animal.
[laughter]
I try to clean them as best as I can in the sink.
Picture what you want.
I don't care.
Whatever you picture, that is truly what happened.
I tried to clean them in the sink.
Okay, we all have the same thought,
let's go.
I thought, "Maybe I can just take these off, clean them,
throw them in the trash can."
There's not, like, a regular trash can
in the bathroom that has, like, a trash bag in it.
There was one tiny little pail trash can
with zero other trash items in it.
So that's out.
I'm not gonna throw my shitty underwear in the trash,
walk out, the next person comes in.
"Hey.
"Did you leave your shitty underwear
in the trash?"
I thought I could flush my underwear.
crowd: No.
- No, okay.
[laughter]
Little did I know how relatable this story truly was.
[laughter]
Till that groan right there.
"No. You can't--hey, bro."
Everyone's got a cigarette for some reason.
"No, you can't-- you can't flush that.
You can't flush that. Nah, nah."
Imagine stopping up the fucking toilet.
You walk out, someone's like,
"Hi, sorry, did you try to flush your clothes?
"'Cause you're dumb?
"Sorry, did you wipe yourself with your clothes
and then flush them?"
So I did what all of us would do.
I dried the underwear off as best as I could.
[crowd groaning]
Shut up! Shut up!
[laughter]
Shut up!
This is not easy for me!
This is a part of my 12-step program, okay?
Go to a strip club and tell this story.
It's weird that that's the first step,
but it is.
I go to a very "alty" AA.
AAA.
[laughs]
I dry them off as best as I can.
I grab a bunch of paper towels.
I'm wringing them out.
[scoffs] Come on.
And then I shove them into my pocket.
[low laughter]
Yeah, I shove them in my pocket.
What am I gonna fucking do?
I'm trying to figure it out. I'm 11.
[laughter]
Honestly, for 11 I'm like, "Pretty smart kid.
"Hello, Harvard, Yale, others.
Others I don't know of."
I shove them into my pocket.
I get back in the car.
We're on our way to the pool party.
No one in the car knows.
My step-mom doesn't know.
My sister doesn't know.
I'm sitting there just...
[high-pitched breathing]
It felt like I was going through, like, customs
with a suitcase of blow.
[shrieking]
Oh, God, I'm redneck Johnny Depp.
I get to the party.
My step-mother's just dropping me off,
so she's just pulling up.
I'm jumping out.
I get out of the car.
I can hear everybody in the backyard at the pool.
I go up to the front door.
I knock. No one answers.
It's unlocked.
I go in, thinking,
now, I'm gonna have to interact with people.
Be ready. Go inside.
There's no one in the house.
There's a stairwell right in front of me.
I go right up it.
In my head, I'm like,
there's a bathroom at the top of the stairs.
I'll go in that bathroom.
People will be like, "Oh, Rory got here
and he had to go to the bathroom."
Little do they know, I already had.
Still, what is the solution?
That's what I'm going through.
I can't leave the underwear in the trash can here.
This is even worse than the fucking--
the gymnastics place.
I'm definitely not flushing them here.
I know that outside of this bathroom,
to my right is my friend Michael's bedroom.
To my left is his younger brother's bedroom.
I take the underwear out of my pocket,
I open the door,
and I just fucking launch them into the corner
of his younger brother's room. I see them.
I see it hit the corner and fall behind the bed.
I walk away. I walk away.
It's not me anymore.
That's no longer a part of me.
That's not my issue.
I don't know what you're talking about, Officer.
Why are you at this party?
Why did they hire the police?
That's a better question.
I walk away.
What's funny about this story in my mind is that--
I was on a friend's podcast
and they were telling stories about shitting themselves.
And it was only then that it occurred to me
that I even had this story.
That's how powerful the human mind is.
I erased what-- everything I just told you
happened exactly the way I just told you,
and I erased that from my memory
so that I could continue as a person.
'Cause if I were to have gotten hung up on that,
there's no way I would be public speaking at a strip club.
I had to move on.
And I remembered, "Oh, my God,
that did happen to me."
And also, I now remember,
my step-mother used to write my name in some--
[laughter]
Some of my underwear.
How fucked up is that?
Not even all of 'em.
Or none of them.
Some of them.
How lazy can you be?
If I had ten pairs of underwear,
she probably wrote it in, like, four pairs of underwear.
To this day, I have no idea if my name was written
in that pair of underwear.
I threw it, I walked away, I thought, "That's gone."
Is it?
[laughter]
As a stand-up comedian, I've been fortunate enough
to get to do some things on television.
Not a lot.
I think a good amount of things.
If you're trying to do things on television,
I've been fortunate enough to get to do some.
And I'm happy about it.
And I've always been grateful for that,
but now knowing about this past
that I deleted from my memory,
I wonder,
is there any chance my name was in that underwear
and anyone in that family has ever seen me do anything?
The current thing I'm doing right now
is going to be on television.
I just--is there a part of them that has ever seen something
and been like, "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
"Go back, go back, go back. No, no, no, no.
"Go down, go down. Go down.
"Go down, go down. Go down one channel.
Well, then go up two channels!"
[laughter]
"Go up two channels.
"It's not even that hard. Thank you.
"There. No, stop.
"Go back. There!
"Him.
"That guy.
"That motherfucker right there.
"That's the guy who ruined our family.
"You see that, Michael?
"You see him? You remember him?
"Look at him.
"That guy right there.
That guy's the reason your brother killed himself."
[low laughter]
Oh, you wanted a happy ending?
I'm on television telling the story!
[laughter and applause]
Thank you guys very much.
I appreciate it.