You remember the tale as old as 1991.
Now, experience it all over again with CGI and celebrities
as Disney reminds us: "It's not about how you look,
it's what on the inside of your wallet that counts!"
(Again)
After The Jungle Book used live action to improve on their animated classic,
Disney's using live action to just copy their animated classic
and see if anyone notices
or cares.
Turns out they don't!
In an empty spectacle that reminds you how good the original was,
and shows you how creepy the original would be if it were real.
"Mum said I wasn't supposed to move."
Eugh!
Return to the British-est part of France,
"I can't remember what."
"Crazy old Maurice."
"Giving her a suite in the East Wing."
and meet Belle,
a beautiful book lover who falls in love with an ugly dude.
So, Hermione?
Emma Watson turned down an Oscar-winning role in La La Land for this,
but she deserves an Oscar for not laughing every time Dan Steven showed up in his mo-cap suit.
Watch her inhabit this strong, female role model
who isn't afraid to invent her own...
washing machine,
"What are you doing?"
"The laundry."
and doesn't need a man to help her express herself,
unless that man's name is Otto Tune.
♫ Easy to remember ♫
Otto? Tune? You get it.
But it's not all a rehash of the original.
There's several new tiny crumbs of movie to pick over
like:
superfluous backstory,
wandering around the woods,
diversity?,
and the plague.
Kids love the plague!
Plus, a new Oscar-bating song
that'll have you wondering if you have enough time to take a pee break.
♫ Now I know she'll never leave me ♫
You do.
Gaston shines as the aggressive, controlling, hairy guy who imprisons Belle's dad,
as opposed to the Beast, an aggressive, controlling, hairy guy who imprisons Belle's dad.
And if you're mad we reused the same joke we made in our original Honest Trailer,
then you're not one of the millions of Disney fans who defend this glorified rehash.
Blink and you'll miss the reveal of Disney's first openly gay character,
assuming you don't count Prince Eric,
as LeFou finally comes out of the closet
to piss off everyone.
Because gay people don't want their first character to a sniveling, evil weirdo
while homophobes want the scene to be more gay so they can get really hot and bothered.
Seriously, that's it? That's the moment that got it banned in Kuwait, Malaysia, and Alabama?
I've seen gayer stuff for breakfast!
So be Disney's guest at this timeless tale of how it's your inner beauty that matters,
"The beauty is found within."
even though Belle is hot,
the Beast is hot,
the dresser is hot,
the librarian is hot,
and even the withered, old crone turns out to be hot.
Because while inner beauty is what really matters,
your ugly ass is definitely a curse.
Yay, the Royal Prince is back!
But wait, if Gaston had a musket, then this takes place either right before or right after the French Revolution.
Uh-oh!