Now, for all you S.P.s
who can't afford premium cable,
last week, HBO aired
a documentary about Scientology.
Spoiler alert: it's a cult
and their buildings are nothing but tax shelters.
The one thing that all members have in common
is that they are mind-blowingly stupid.
Oh, the reason L.R.H. had horrible teeth
is because he generously gave away all his toothbrushes
so people could clean his toilets with them.
Spoiler-spoiler alert, I am totally on board!
In fact, I declare myself the new face of Scientology.
[cheers and applause] - Tom Cruise is 52.
They need someone who appeals to the millennials,
like, say, a sprightly 39-year-old.
[cheers and applause]
Much like T.C., I've been subjected to C.G.R.
Plus, I love A.S.
[cheers and applause]
[laughter]
And I, too, am happy to turn a blind eye
to the fact that this F.R. was built entirely on S.L.
[cheers and applause]
Tom barely talks about the intergalactic overlord Xenu,
but I would never shut up about it.
[cheers and applause]
I'm no sci-fi fan,
but I've already invented a thetan-proof vest.
Yeah.
It's made out of gravlons,
which are harvested in space from claster-droids.
Oh, oh, oh!
I just found a new thetan.
Nope, just a fat deposit.
The Church of Scientology
makes you sign a billion-year contract,
which is fine if you don't value loyalty.
I force everyone who works for me
to sign a two-billion-year contract!
Not that they could quit,
because I've been keeping P.C.F.s on my staff
since D. one.
For example,
Erik-- oh-oh-oh!
Has a mild-to-severe A.P.
Should be in A.A.
Nick-- oh, he's a P.S.D.
His file's thick, my friend.
Banged an L.P.
CC exec Gary Mann has a secret family in New Jersey
and was verbally molested by a counselor at F.C.
in the early '70s.
I've already converted an office closet into a P.C.,
and I'm officially declaring
Boom. Tax exempt.
Eff the IRS! Eff the IRS!
The war is over.
You are all totally clear now.
You owe me $1,000 each. Good night.
[applause]