From the dumb car-racing franchise
that just won't run out of gas,
comes the third film that was one Vin Diesel cameo away
from totaling the whole thing.
The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift
Return to the dark pre-Rock era of Fast and Furious
before Universal knew people actually wanted to watch these things,
and try to get pumped for a Fast film, without any of the main characters.
No connection to the first two,
and a needlessly complicated timeline,
but it does have the most actual street racing.
Watching people lean to the side is fun!
Right?
WWWWEEEEEEE!!!!!
You've seen the cars and butts of Los Angeles.
You've seen the cars and butts of Miami.
Now, travel across the globe for the cars and butts of Tokyo.
A city in the middle of a big retro-tech phase?
'Cause this takes place after Fast 6, and they still have flip phones, iPods, and Lil Bow Wow.
(in movie) Ay, I know you sure ain't have a laptop.
Enter the underground world of drifting,
a skid-based racing style
with an origin that sounds like total bullsh*t.
(in movie) First drifters invented drifting out here in the mounds.
But turns out to be more or less true?
Whoa, next thing you're gonna tell me NASCAR was invented by
rum-runnin' bootleggers.
What‽
Next thing you're gonna tell me is the submarine chase
from Fast 8 is based on Real Life 2.
No? You're not gonna tell me that?
Well, it should be! I'd watch the hell out of that.
Meet an all-new family you won't be spending too much time with,
like: Han, the snack man;
DK, the gangster with an uncle complex;
his henchman with a weird laugh;
(laughter demonstrated)
various girl-shaped objects;
(in movie) Winner gets me.
and a Little Bow Wow that goes a long way.
Strap in, as they all take a backseat to Sean,
a 24-year-old that looks like a 34-year-old, playing a 17-year-old.
(in movie) He's underage..
Who against all odds, is the worst actor
in a franchise with Vin Diesel in it.
(in movie) My ride. (others mock him for accent, which sounds Southern)
Thrill, as this good ol' boy street racer
struggles to overcome the same weakness as Derek Zoolander.
(in movie) Can't turn left.
(music and screeching tires)
(in movie) I'm not an ambi-turner.
(music and screeching tires)
And struggles to deliver lines that don't sound like a badly programmed southern robot.
(in movie) I did this, I can't run away. I can't.
(in movie) So if you don't drift to win, what do you drift for?
No need to tell us you're not a trained actor on your IMDB page, man.
We could tell.
(in movie) No, I mean, not where you live.
Where'd you come from?
So strap in, as director Justin Lin attempts the impossible:
Create a semi-passable sequel to Point Break with cars,
and Brokeback Mountain with cars,
without any of the actors or story lines that made them popular,
that managed to make audiences everywhere say,
"Man, I actually miss the subtle nuance of Paul Walker and Tyrese."
Good job?
Starring
Floor It Gump
Ya-Cruise-A
Hanging With Mini Cooper
*grunting noise*
and...Roll Tide!
Car Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Shift.
When did he learn how to speak Japanese?
He can barely speak Alabamian!
Hey Screen Junkies!
Want to hit the noss on more Fast and Furious?
Then click the boxes above
to check out our previous HONEST TRAILERS for the
Fast franchise.
Yaba-Dana-DOO
I love my nachos. You can't have them!
Pineapple pickle pancakes prostrating profusely to the Pope. Three. Times. Fast!
I have rug nuggets in my ham.
I want a wedgie and I want it now.
Yass queen slay, yaaass.