- Technology is making us stupid.
And by us I mean me, mostly.
I am said stupid person.
What up everyone.
It's your girl, Superwoman.
So the other day I walk into my building
and there's a girl sitting there, and she's like,
"Hey, do you have an iPhone 6 charger? I'm stranded."
And my first thought is
yeah, okay, you're better off
asking me for my first born child.
And my second thought is
girl, if you're stranded,
why don't you walk into any one of these
six establishments surrounding us and use their phone?
And then she's all like,
"Because I don't know anyone's number."
And I'm like, girl you're whack.
You're crazy.
You stupid.
And you're literally me.
Me.
Me AF.
So me that I face-swapped with a picture of myself.
Remember back in the day when we used to know things?
Like, know them with our brain?
Yeah, me neither.
I'm sure there was a time, though.
I'm sure it's somewhere in my iCal.
Technology is making me stupid in the following ways.
Number one, numbers.
Now, I'm talking phone numbers, dates, birthdays.
I know none of them.
Straight up, if there was an emergency
and my phone was dead,
I would find the nearest pay phone, okay.
Somehow find a quarter.
Who has change these days, by the way?
And I would dial, like, 9-1-2.
I literally don't know any important number.
Hello?
I'm talking my closest friends.
Friends I've known for 20 years.
I don't even know what digit
their phone number begins with.
Hello?
I don't even know which area code
their number starts with.
You know Ludacris' song,
"I've got hoes in different area codes."
I would never be able to sing that
because for all I know, I got two hoes
in the same area code.
And then I would sing it and just sound ridiculous.
If you gave me four numbers to choose from
that were completely different
and said choose the one that is your best friend's,
I would have to use all of my life lines.
Except for phoning a friend, because
I wouldn't know their number.
Hello?
'Cause I'm being real with you.
If my phone dies, the sad reality is
that for those 20 minutes, we can't be friends.
I have zero ways to communicate with you.
Girl, straight up, I know we're best friends.
I know when you get your period.
I know what your debit pin is.
I know why you're wearing a turtleneck, you're nasty.
I know your shoe sizes in sneakers and in heels.
But girl, I do not know your phone number.
Okay wait, I do have my mom's number memorized.
Obviously. That was her Mother's Day gift.
But I can't recite it if you ask me for it.
If you said to me right now
tell me your mom's number, I would be like
(stammers)
three?
I would have to look at a phone key pad
and then only, my finger would go on auto pilot and dial it.
Isn't that f'ed up?
Back in the day, you used to have
everyone's number memorized.
Eff Facebook,
I used to know people's birthdays in my brain.
It was a bucket in my brain labeled people's birthdays.
But now that bucket has been renamed to
Game of Thrones characters.
Hey, what do Twitter and Game of Thrones have in common?
They both have, like, 140 characters.
Do you get it?
The point I'm trying to make
is that your birthday has been replaced with Jon Snow.
And to be honest, that's a sacrifice I was happy to make.
But honestly don't feel bad, because
I don't remember dates for anything.
By the way, April 24 season six starts.
I am so excited.
All men must die.
Thank god for my vajayjay.
Number two, directions.
You are literally looking at
the most directionally-challenged person.
I'm right here, behind you.
I could not be more honest when I say
if I can't use my GPS to get somewhere,
I simply do not go.
I use my GPS for everything.
What's that, you want me to come to your house
that I've been to 50 times
that is literally two blocks away from where I live?
Great, well the GPS says I'll be there in three minutes.
See you then.
You expect me to make a left turn on my own
at a specific spot?
What am I, a wizard?
♫ Everything is not
♫ What it seems
Oh, my heart.
And being so reliant on a GPS
has somehow made me worse at directions.
True story, I'm the type of person
that'll get lost in buildings.
Like hotels, I get lost all of the time.
I will literally walk out of my room
and walk the opposite direction from the elevators
and end up in a janitor's room.
I don't know what's wrong with me.
I have this habit where if I don't know where I'm going
I'll just keep turning right.
It's a real problem, I swear.
If I ever go missing,
don't even bother gathering a search party.
Just take one person
to the last place I was seen,
turn right a few times,
and for sure you'll see me there crying
with a dead phone, like
(whimpering)
I'm an idiot, I'm a stupid idiot.
Even in video games like 007,
as soon as the game starts, turn right.
You will find me there attempting to turn right again.
Just shoot me in the head.
And if you wanna avoid my mines, just go left.
I'm a stupid person, I don't know what it is.
And even when my GPS does give me directions,
the amount of times I still miss a turn
or blatantly don't listen to it, it's alarming.
It is actually alarming.
This GPS might as well be my dad
telling me to go to law school, I'm just like,
I can't hear you, we'll go straight.
"Right, exit here."
Don't tell me what to do.
And then after I make the wrong turn,
the street signs always do this cute thing
where they're like "no U-turn"
and I'm like, adorable.
In my defense, when you say
"keep right, then turn left"
when exactly is then?
It's not me, it's the bloody system.
Number three, Google.
Google isn't just a search engine.
No, Google is a part of my daily conversation.
Literally a word I use every single day.
You can ask me anything and my response
is always going to be, I'll Google it.
I could just use my brain and think about it,
but what is this, 1999?
Who the hell uses their brain when you can Google something.
So I recently moved from Toronto to L.A.
And in Toronto, we talk about weather in Celcius
and in L.A. they use Fahrenheit.
Inevitably, every time I'm in a conversation
we talk about weather.
Obviously because we're being fake.
Real friends don't talk about the drought.
So we start talking about weather,
and every single time they have no idea
what I'm talking about, so I whip out my phone
and I'm like, let me just Google it.
I could just memorize what the math is
because I'm sure it's quite simple to convert.
But no, I google it every single time.
Every day, every conversation.
You know that famous saying,
buy a man a fish and he will eat once.
Teach a man to fish and he will eat a lifetime.
Firstly, why can't a woman fish?
Second, I would be buying the fish.
That would be me buying the fish, every day.
From the Target that I googled and I GPS'ed directions to.
Me.
On top of that, who the hell wants to fish these days?
With Nemo and Dory?
I'm emotionally attached to these fish.
I ain't trying to murder my friends,
ain't no Making of a Murderer.
Ain't nobody offering me no Netflix series.
I'm weird, right? I feel like I'm weird in this video.
I feel like I'm weird, right...
I feel like I'm weird.
No whatever, I'm normal.
Yo, don't touch my unicorn.
I'm fine.
Number four, spelling.
Once upon a time, I swear to god
I knew how to spell certain things.
But now, spellcheck is the parachute
in the skydive that is the English language.
Today, I'm the type of person that is so far
from the correct spelling of a word,
that even spellcheck has no suggestions.
Straight up, spellcheck looks at my letters
and is like "what are those?"
No suggestion, just a red squiggly line.
And then I have to enter the incorrect spelling into Google.
Please refer to point three in this video.
Hoping that Google will be like, did you mean...
So I'll go into Google and type in
S-H-E-D-O-O-L.
And Google will be like, did you mean schedule?
You effin' idiot? You moron?
Who learneded you to speak English, you stupid fool?
And you might be thinking I'm talking about
that one time I did that, but no.
This is a daily occurrence.
And when I'm texting people,
I don't even try to spell a word correctly.
I know autocorrect got my back, so I just
slam the keypad in the general area of the letters I need.
So if I have to spell tomorrow, I'm like
T-M-O-Y-R-R-W.
And ta-dah, tomorrow.
Can I just tell you that the times this doesn't work
I am literally enraged.
Let me get this straight, $1,000 on an iPhone
and you can't spell for me?
On top of that, it takes five apps
to turn a video into a square?
Eff you, okay, F-U-E-F-F-Q-U.
Anyways, I'm an idiot.
Do me a favor,
hug yourself if you at any point today
saw someone post on Instagram
about turning on their notifications.
That's another stupid thing technology makes us do.
Not only do I want to take a picture of my lunch,
but now I want you to be notified when I do so.
Because I cannot imagine you living your day
to the fullest potential if you didn't see my cheesecake.
We're such stupid idiots.
Just in case you do want to turn on notificaitons,
I'll give you directions on how to do that.
Just open up your phone and turn right,
and then right again.
Yo, hope you enjoyed that video.
If you did, please give it a thumbs up
and let's see how many thumbses upses we can get.
Comment below and let me know
if you agree with what I'm saying,
or am I the only idiot that does this stuff.
You can check out my last video right there,
it's called If YouTubers Were Teachers.
My second blog channel's right there.
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I hope you're having a great, fantastic day.
Sending you positive vibes.
One love Superwoman.
That is a wrap, I hit my chin, and zoo-pah.
Wait, where do I go? Probably right.