Prison guards are supposed to be unflappable - after all, they keep the order amid hundreds
or thousands of inmates. But they probably weren’t expecting a riot over hot sauce!
Here are some of the craziest things prison guards ever saw on the job.
There aren’t too many joys in prison, and if there’s one thing most inmates look forward to,
it’s lunch. So one guard was on duty when it was pork chop day in a Tennessee cafeteria,
and everyone was excited. Except the prison didn’t get supplied properly, and they were
going to run out before the end of the line. How to handle this? Another guard just yelled
out to the back of the line that they were getting bologna instead - and a riot broke out!
Maybe they were rushing the front of the line, maybe they were just expressing their anger,
but the result was a six-hour lockdown and ten people taken to the infirmary!
But in prison, you’ve got to take the laughs where you can get them.
A prison guard at Winson Green in Birmingham was used to dealing with hard-boiled characters.
Most guys there weren’t the type you’d talk to, let alone share a joke with. Then there was Fred,
a jovial fellow who seemed to be at ease with his place in life. The guards started looking
forward to escorting him places, because Fred would usually crack some funny jokes on the
way. It was easy for them to forget that he was actually Fred West, one of the most
notorious killers in Britain’s history, who had committed at least twelve killings with his wife!
But at least the county jail is easier…right?
Most of the people in county are there awaiting trial or serving short-term sentences,
so at least you’re likely to be safe there. Well, assuming you’re not near any particularly unstable
inmates, at least. A guard told one inmate he couldn’t take a shower, so the inmate reacted
the only logical way - drinking his shampoo. Needless to say, that was not a good thing for
his digestive system, as he was soon alternating vomiting with frequent trips to the toilet with
horrible diarrhea. It was enough for the roommate of the guard to swear off ever winding up in jail!
But it wasn’t the worst thing a guard encountered.
One man knew his father worked as a prison guard, but quit abruptly one day. He never
knew why - until he asked his mother years later. The prisoners were allowed to keep a hotplate in
their cells for heating food, which doesn’t seem like a good idea in the best of times. Dad was
doing his guard duties, when he was suddenly splashed in the face with a boiling liquid and
had to be rushed to the hospital with burns. He made a full recovery, but to add insult to injury,
it wasn’t soup or coffee - it was the inmate’s pee that he had heated up for a foul assault.
Prisoners will try to get their little pleasures
anyway they can - even when it’s not very effective.
One prisoner coming in was a rather portly guy. He got the standard strip search to make sure
he wasn’t smuggling any contraband, but the prison guards were a little suspicious. He
had a lot of fat rolls, and some of them seemed to be sitting rather oddly on his gut. So the
guard lifted up one of those fat rolls - and no doubt got a whiff of sweat - and found that it
wasn’t just fat tissue hiding there. It was some contraband cigarettes - and not just a pack.
A full carton! Maybe he finally kicked the habit while he was behind bars.
And if the guards don’t find something, maybe the inmates will.
Drug smuggling is a big business in prison, and when new inmates come in,
the other inmates are very interested in them. You never know what they might be carrying - in some
very uncomfortable places. It’s common for inmates to try to smuggle bags of drugs up their butts,
and wait for them to be, um, naturally evacuated. But some other inmates didn’t want to wait when
they were suspicious, so they attempted to get the goods out of the new fish by performing a
plastic bottle enema. The guards broke it up, and the unfortunate inmate? Nothing up there.
In prison, it doesn’t take much for things to get out of control.
When a man was working his first day as a prison guard, he was quickly called to a riot scene.
Was it in the gym? In the lunchroom? No, it was the most dangerous place of all - the library.
One inmate had his book stolen, and got the word from another inmate about the culprit.
Except the culprit was actually the informer, and he targeted an enemy of his. Sure enough,
the wrongly-blamed man got beaten badly, and it escalated into two
groups of inmates attacking each other. But hey, at least no one gave away any spoilers.
But sometimes, the inmates can be surprisingly wholesome.
A female prison guard was working in a men’s prison, which must have been a high-intensity job.
So one day, when a group of inmates asked the guard to come with them,
she was naturally suspicious - but she could handle herself, so she decided to see what was
up. They took her to her office - and presented her with a birthday cake they had gotten after
finding out her special day was coming up. She had a slice and enjoyed the gesture, but that
raised one big question - how the heck did those guys manage to get ahold of a big birthday cake?
But that’s the exception, and most days in
prison are incredibly intense for both the inmates and the guards.
Prison isn’t a healthy environment for mental stability, but one inmate went
downhill surprisingly fast. He was a quiet guy who was doing a short stint for a minor offense,
and seemed to just want to keep his head down. But one day he got into a fight,
and that made something snap. He became aggressive to both the inmates and the guards,
started smearing filth on the walls, and loudly singing nursery rhymes like a comic book villain.
He was soon taken away for mental observation, and never returned to the prison. Did he go
insane? Or did he find a way to serve out his sentence in a safer place like a psych ward?
Not all inmates make good choices behind bars.
One inmate suffered a head injury in prison, and had to be taken to the hospital for an exam.
There was just one problem - he wouldn’t consent to be cuffed and taken to the hospital. Instead,
he insisted that his death was a foregone conclusion and told the guards to tell his
family he loved them. He became more aggressive with the guards - until he suddenly passed out
from his head injury and was rushed to the hospital. He nearly died from the bleeding
to the brain, and everyone around him was more than a little freaked out.
And sometimes, you get a warning at exactly the right time.
A young man was considering working as a prison guard, and got the opportunity to shadow a guard
at the county prison. This place was known for having a prison for the mentally disturbed,
and these inmates were usually segregated. But that didn’t stop their voices from carrying.
As the teenager was patrolling the floor, he heard one inmate yelling about the secret truth that the
government didn’t want you to know - that the department store Sears was actually a robot
that was going to rise up and destroy the country. The teenager decided to look into another career.
And it wasn’t the only questionable choice an inmate made.
It was the week leading up to Christmas, and that’s not a very cheerful time for
the incarcerated. One inmate wanted to be transferred to the special housing unit,
where it would be easier for his family to visit - so he decided to walk up to a guard and
deliberately injure himself. He was taken off-site for medical treatment - but he was also given
a psych examination, because cutting yourself usually doesn’t indicate mental stability. Instead
of going to the prison near his family, he wound up at a mental health facility even further away.
And boredom can make inmates do crazy things.
A guard was patrolling the common room when he noticed something odd- two inmates were
repeatedly hitting the electrical outlets, hard enough to make sparks come out of them. Each time
the sparks flew, they would hold a piece of paper up to the outlet and let the sparks light it on
fire before extinguishing it. This little game was continuing until they got bored - or until
they accidentally started a fire that would burn down the entire prison. Needless to say,
the guards quickly interrupted this and they had to find a new way to pass the time.
One prison guard had a terrifyingly close encounter that turned out surprisingly well.
The year was 1997, and he was working as a guard in a local jail that had fallen into
disrepair. It only had one elevator that was old and unreliable, and one day it broke down with the
guard in it - along with thirteen convicted felons, who many of which were murderers.
Suddenly, the guard was outnumbered and unarmed with some of the most dangerous people in the
prison - but they were smart to understand that this wasn’t a good situation for them either.
They boosted the guard out of the elevator through the roof so he could go and get help.
And one guard bluffed his way to success.
It’s not just the inmates guards have to be on the lookout for - it’s people trying to smuggle
things into the prison. One guard saw a mule throwing bags of drugs over the prison walls,
and gave chase. When they confronted each other, the smuggler reached for his hip as if he had a
gun - and the officer remembered he was unarmed. If he gave that away, he was at the smuggler’s
mercy. So he reached for his hip as well, hoping it spooked the smuggler - and it did! He
surrendered immediately, and the item he was reaching for? A cell phone to call for backup.
Another guard wound up protecting Canada’s most wanted.
There are tiers in prison, and some inmates are more well-liked than
others. If you belong to a gang or have a reputation as a rough-and-tumble robber,
you’ll probably be seen as a leader. But if you’re someone who preys on the innocent - like
serial killer Paul Bernardo - the odds are you’ll have a lot of people out for your blood.
So many people in the prison wanted to kill Bernardo that a team of guards was
assigned to him at all times to fend off attacks. Bernardo seemed pretty calm about the whole thing,
but being assigned to protect a monster was particularly stressful for the guards.
There’s one area of the prison where there is more potential for trouble than anywhere else.
Ah, the shower. It was awkward enough when you were in school and you had to worry
about snapping towels. But in prison, you’re naked and surrounded by fellow inmates. One
guard was standing outside with twelve inmates showering, when another inmate walks in - fully
clothed - and picks a fight with a naked man in the shower. As the only guard on duty at the time,
the guard would have had to break up a big pile of naked guys - but fortunately,
the attacker backed off when he saw other guards arriving. What he didn’t know was that they
were trainees and not allowed to get involved in fights, but what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him.
Sometimes, prisons are home to some truly eerie events.
How many cities have supposedly haunted prisons? A lot. Not only do inmates die behind bars
regularly, but any prison with a death row will likely have a few more ghosts running around.
But some hauntings are more well-documented than others. One officer was on night duty at around 2
AM when he saw an inmate heading to the showers - long after the prison was locked down for the
night. He talked to another inmate who said they saw the same man - and the descriptions
both matched those of a Native American inmate who had died in the prison years ago.
A young Native inmate even claimed he woke up one night to see the man at the foot of his bed.
But are other supernatural forces at work in prisons?
Demonic possession is a hotly debated topic - although there are enough exorcists out there
who insist it’s true - but one guard claimed he experienced it first-hand. A woman was in
prison for a minor charge of driving without a license, but she was sure she was innocent.
So sure, instead, that she began clawing at her arms and drawing blood until she
was taken to the crisis center. She made wild false accusations, faked seizures,
and eventually just started screaming incoherently like a demon while she was
being restrained. A woman possessed - or a woman who really wanted a transfer out of gen pop?
But it doesn’t take demons to make inmates do truly disturbing things.
One of the few outside contacts some inmates have is with their attorneys, who bring them key pieces
of evidence for the trial for them to study. Two inmates found alternative uses for some of
these documents, though - they smuggled the crime scene photos of their victims back to their cells.
They would call staff members over to their cells - and then flash the pictures of their
murder victims to shock and horrify them. It was an effective way to intimidate the guards,
but we’re guessing it didn’t help them much when it was time to play remorseful in court.
But some inmates use more subtle tactics to torment the guards.
A guard worked in a segregation unit for the most disturbed and dangerous inmates in the prison,
and one of the first things he was told was to not let any personal info slip to
the inmates. They have all the time in the world and nothing to do but think,
so they’ll remember anything they hear - and it’ll come back to haunt you.
Sometimes they’ll feign interest and ask oddly personal questions. Other times, they’ll make
deeply intimate and terrifying threats. And once they know your name, they can get to the prison
computers - and look up anything extra they might want to know. The next thing you know, you’re in
a scene right out of Silence of the Lambs, with Hannibal manipulating Clarice from behind a cell.
And some inmates don’t know when to quit.
One inmate came in with a relatively minor sentence - and ready to fight. He would pick
fights with inmates, and soon escalated to guards. He became known as the most dangerous
inmate of the prison, and would tamper with his door and try to attack guards as they passed by.
In-prison punishments like segregation didn’t seem to faze him, and he wound
up being charged with additional crimes that extended his segment - all the way to more than
a hundred years to be served consecutively, making him a lifer with nothing to lose.
Of course, some prisoners just want to have fun…
Holidays in prison aren’t usually a festive event. No presents to be had and Saint Nick
isn’t paying a visit. And there are certainly no Easter baskets in spring. But one inmate
wanted to keep things light - so he gave everyone a unique Easter greeting. On the holiday morning,
he stripped naked, grabbed a toilet brush and inserted the handle all the way up his
butt until the handle was firmly stuck. This left only the bristle end sticking out - and
he proceeded to hop around the prison yelling that he was the Easter Bunny as the guards chased him!
One inmate found out the hard way that his actions had consequences.
An inmate who was HIV positive and felt like he had nothing to lose had a twisted
MO for his time in prison - he would try to give people HIV any way he could. He would
even try to fill plastic pen tubes with blood and stab people with them. One day,
he was in the infirmary when he broke a light, cut himself, and threatened to infect anyone
who came near him. So the guards on duty simply…didn’t. They waited outside until
the inmate calmed down, and when they came in, they were shocked to see that he had bled out.
While the guards were all reprimanded for not interfering in time to save his life,
no one was fired - after all, they were told they would be attacked if they did.
There’s one job that prison guards likely dread more than any other.
That would be the good ol’ cavity search, which every inmate has to undergo when they come in.
It’s a safety measure to make sure no one is bringing in any contraband or weapons,
but that doesn’t mean anyone enjoys it. Guards are used to finding everything from knives,
to bags filled with supplies, to even guns - but one guard certainly wasn’t expecting to find a
dead mouse hiding up there. What would possess an inmate to smuggle a dead mouse up their butt?
Maybe they were mentally ill - or maybe they just wanted to give the guard an unpleasant surprise.
And it’s not the only case where mental illness makes inmates do crazy things.
Some inmates are considered so unstable that they can’t be trusted with anything they could
use to hurt themselves. They’re given a paper gown instead of standard clothes, only eat food
with their fingers so they don’t need utensils, and are watched around the clock by guards.
One guard watched an inmate for twelve hours as he saved a piece of bread from his meal - and
proceeded to slowly do obscene things to the same piece of bread over the entire shift.
No confirmation on whether these disgusting acts inspired the movie Sausage Party.
It wasn’t the only time food created…strong feelings.
What’s the oddest way a riot ever broke out at a prison? It may just relate
to…hot sauce. A therapy dog handler would bring a dog named Cooper to prison once a week - and
turned down frequent offers to smuggle things. The prison had two rival gangs, and one day
there were two smears of homemade hot sauce on the ground. The dog walked between them, licked one of
the two sauces off the ground - and one group of inmates started chanting “Cooper is South Side!”.
This chant spread across the prison, and the entire facility was locked down to prevent a gang
riot. The true victim here? Cooper, who was banned from the prison due to possible gang affiliations!
And when inmates go to war, they’ll use anything they have on hand.
A woman who worked at a medium-security prison observed that giving inmates more privileges
can often lead to more problems. At this prison, inmates were each given a key to their own cell,
although the prison as a whole was locked down tight. But giving each inmate their
own pointy metal object turned out to be a bad idea - when two inmates put the key in between
their knuckles and punched each other, creating makeshift stab wounds. By the
time the guards got there, the common room was covered in blood. The prison
no doubt started to look into key cards - oh, wait, those can be broken into shards.
And even in minimum security prisons, you never know what’ll happen.
Who goes into minimum-security prisons? Usually non-violent offenders, first-time offenders,
and white-collar criminals who aren’t seen as a threat to anyone. They’re usually given a lot more
freedom and activities, and the authorities assume they’ll behave responsibly. At least, that’s the
hope - it didn’t work out that way for one inmate who felt he was being treated far too slowly
at the medical clinic. He grabbed an apple and proceeded to shove it directly where the sun don’t
shine to get more attention. The odds are he got a visit with the psychiatrist instead. He should
have known that an apple a day keeps the doctor away- but only if it goes in the right hole.
But mental illness can lead inmates to do some pretty extreme things.
One inmate was in recovery from a chest wound and was escorted to the bathroom by the guard.
He seemed to be taking an unusually long time to come back - and when the guard entered the room,
he was shocked and horrified. The inmate had yanked all the stitches from his chest,
was bleeding all over the place, and was currently busy poking his finger
into his wound. The explanation he gave when interrogated? He wanted to see if
he could poke himself in the heart. He survived, so the answer was probably no.
But few prison stories are more disturbing than these.
One guard was on duty at night when he had a close encounter of the unknown kind. His prison
had mini-yards, which were small enclosures where inmates could play basketball. They were open for
part of the day, and locked down when the inmates were in their cells. All was quiet at night -
until the guard’s control center gave him an alert that someone had pushed the intercom button by the
mini-yard. The prisoners were all secure, and the yard was surrounded by razor wire. The guard
assumed it was a glitch and ignored it - until it rang for the second time. The security system
showed no one outside, and there was no response when the guard spoke into the intercom. He called
his lieutenant - and the superior officer was unbothered, telling him to just yell into the
intercom that the mini-yard was closed. The young officer did - and there was no further activity
that night. A prank by the superior officers on the new fish - or something much more sinister?
Another security guard got a little too close for comfort to the inmates.
A guard had a reputation as one of the more laid-back officers in the prison. He was even
known for slipping the inmates little items to make time in solitary confinement more tolerable.
He maybe gave them more trust than he should have - and that bit him in the butt when five inmates
planned a breakout. They had chosen a day when their buddy wasn’t going to be on-duty - but he
had switched shifts with a colleague! When they took him hostage and held a gun to his head,
the ringleader seemed actively angry and yelled at him that he wasn’t supposed to be there that day!
The inmates made a run for it, but two were wounded by guard fire and the whole group got
arrested. As for Mr. Nice Guard, he was unharmed and got a two-week paid vacation for his terror.
But sometimes, the inmates care…a little too much.
One prison guard worked at a penitentiary with a family member, and his relative
wasn’t a great driver. He got into an accident and suffered minor injuries,
which led to a few weeks off work for recovery. Word got around,
and the injured guard was seen as a decent guy by the inmates. And just like an office water cooler,
word started spreading about the accident - and each version of the tale got a little
more embellished. The relative who was still on duty started fielding questions about his
relative who was on death’s door, and had to assure them that he was just banged up.
But how did this turn into a full-fledged riot?
As the guard was trying to assure everyone that his relative was okay,
the prison went into lockdown and everyone had to be shuffled back to their cells. It turned
out there was a huge fight because one inmate heard a different story about the accident
from another inmate. That led to an argument, which led to a brawl, which led to a riot and
a ten-hour lockdown of an entire prison - which is a pretty extreme consequence for a fender-bender.
Want to learn more about what it’s like to be in prison?
Check out “50 Things No One Tells You About Being in Prison”, or watch
“Prison Where Inmates Sleep In Coffins” for just how bad it can get.