Brett Kavanaugh...
Supreme Court nominee
and world's angriest calendar enthusiast.
(laughter)
In addition to the sexual assault claims against him,
people are zeroing in on another reason
Kavanaugh may not be fit for the Supreme Court,
and that is honesty.
Along with a complexion that looks good in black,
honesty is one of the things
you most want in a Supreme Court justice.
And there are more and more signs
that Kavanaugh might not have enough of it,
especially when it comes to his history with drinking.
Because Kavanaugh may make it seem
like he's had a casual relationship with alcohol,
but it turns out the two of them
were probably more than just friends.
Kavanaugh has acknowledged sometimes drinking too much
as a young man, but former classmates of Kavanaugh's
are saying that he's being misleading
about how much he drank back then,
and his belligerence when he did.
TV REPORTER: A Yale college classmate of Kavanaugh's,
Charles "Chad" Ludington, said Kavanaugh tried to deceive
the Senate by downplaying his drinking habits.
Ludington says on multiple occasions
he saw Kavanaugh staggering from alcohol consumption.
Charles Ludington, who went to Yale with Brett Kavanaugh,
says that on one last occasion,
"I purposely socialized with Brett,
"I witnessed him respond to a semi-hostile remark,
"not by defusing the situation,
"but by throwing beer in the man's face,
"and starting a fight that ended
with one of our mutual friends in jail."
Damn.
Kavanaugh might not be fit to serve on the Supreme Court,
but I think we should nominate him to serve
on the next season of Jersey Shore.
He sounds right.
Because this story is pretty wild, right?
It turns out, in 1985, Kavanaugh and his friends got into
a bar fight that got so rowdy the police got called in,
and the police filed an official report.
And here's the thing, it's one thing to get into a fight,
it's another thing to get into a fight
where the cops are called, and on top of that,
a fight where the cops are called on a white guy.
Do you know how bad a fight has to be
for the police to get called on a white guy?
(cheers and applause)
At... At an Ivy League school in the '80s.
That was, like, rich white male heyday.
I mean, every decade is,
but that one was extra good for them.
And, personally, I would never want
to see Brett Kavanaugh get into a fight,
'cause you know it would be super weird.
It would be like, "Hey, bro, you want to throw down?
(crying): "Because I swear I'll start...
(laughter)
"I swear I'll start-- you know what, I just--
"I just need to write it in my calendar first.
(laughter, applause)
"September 25th.
"September 25th, throw drink in dude's face at the bar.
"Now it's official. It's in my calendar.
I had peace."
So it turns out Brett Kavanaugh, Mr. "I like beer,"
Mr. "I might have exceeded the legal limit a little bit,"
allegedly, got into a bar brawl
where he hit someone in the face with his drink.
Oh, and the reason Kavanaugh was fighting
is probably one of the greatest stories of all time.
TV REPORTER: Ludington telling The New York Times,
he witnessed Kavanaugh getting into a bar brawl
after a UB40 concert.
TV REPORTER: They saw someone they thought
was the band's lead singer.
The man said he wasn't and told the three of them
to stop looking at him.
Kavanaugh, apparently, became belligerent.
Brett, um, said, uh, (bleep) you,
uh, or something to that effect,
and, um, threw the, uh, ice at the guy.
Uh, and, um, the guy, understandably,
even though he had been aggressive in his response,
uh, found that was a little one step too far,
so he, uh, took a swing at Brett.
At that point, uh, Chris Dudley, who had his drink in his hand,
um, proceeded to, uh, smash it up against the guy's head.
Okay.
Now, if you're lost,
it's probably because you're not drunk.
Because, you see, this has gone from
a stock standard Supreme Court hearing
to a wild 1985 story where a future Supreme Court nominee
and his friend, Dudley, a future NBA player,
got in a fight with some guy because they thought
he looked like the lead singer of the reggae band UB40.
Yeah. Right now, the story's so weird,
you can make up any detail and it would be believable.
You could be like, "And then Kavanaugh punched the horse
and that horse went on to become the ruler of Iran."
You don't know if it's fake.
And by the way, I also feel bad
for the lead singer of UB40, right?
Because everyone covering the story just keeps referring
to him as the lead singer of UB40.
He has a name, you know?
It's UB, I'm pretty sure, like...
There's a name.
(cheers and applause)
And now...
Now, here's the thing...
Here's the thing,
if you're throwing a drink in someone's face
because they're not the lead singer of UB40,
you're either someone who drank a shit ton
or you're just a crazy person.
It's one or the other.
And again, him raging as a young man doesn't disqualifying him
from serving on the Supreme Court, right?
But Brett Kavanaugh lying about it to the Senate
is what should be of concern.
And for more on this,
and the legal ramifications of all of it,
we turn to a man who has been represented by many lawyers.
Michael Kosta, everyone.
(cheers and applause)
-Michael... -(mouthing)
On the one hand, on the one hand,
you have Brett Kavanaugh,
who says that sometimes he had too many beers.
But on the other hand, you have all these witnesses
who say that he was a belligerent drunk
who drank way too much.
What do you make of this?
Well, Trevor, this term "too much"
gets thrown around too much.
I-It's all a matter of perspective.
If a dad posts ten pictures of his kid on Facebook,
that's considered normal.
But if I post ten pictures of his kid,
suddenly it's too much and I have to leave the park.
It's the same with Brett Kavanaugh's drinking.
Okay, but as a Supreme Court nominee,
Kavanaugh has a duty to be honest,
and it seemed to me that he was a bit disingenuous
about what kind of a drinker he was.
(chuckles): Trevor, I want to say this kindly
because you're my boss, but what a dumbass thing to say.
You can't accuse Brett Kavanaugh of hiding the truth
because if he was as drunk as everyone says he was,
then we can't expect him to remember what happened.
Because sober Brett can't remember
the things drunk Brett did.
They meet briefly around beer number five,
they shake hands, and they go their separate ways.
(laughter)
-So... -Thank you. You get it.
So you're saying...
you're saying, then, that we can't ask him questions
about things that he was too drunk to remember?
See, now you're getting it.
We can't hold Bruce Banner accountable for fights
started by the Hulk, you know what I mean?
One is a mild-mannered, middle-aged white guy,
and the other is an aggressive person of color.
I-If Congress put Bruce Banner under oath
and asked him, "Dr. Banner, have you ever smashed anything?"
he'd have no idea.
Because Bruce Banner doesn't smash.
Hulk smash.
Okay, but-but...
but sober or drunk, under the law,
Brett Kavanaugh would be held accountable for anything he did.
And he'll change that as soon as he gets to the Supreme Court.
But in the meantime, why the hell is sober Kavanaugh
being asked about what drunk Kavanaugh did?
The guy who should be on the stand
is the guy who picks a fight with a mop
for not being Ziggy Marley.
-Wait, wait, wait, wait, you're not suggesting... -Yes!
Let's get Kavanaugh shit-faced.
Roll-roll in a keg of Natty Light...
(cheering and applause)
Roll in a keg of Natty Light, have Feinstein tap that thing,
and let Bretty go to town.
And I guarantee you the truth will flow right out of him.
A sober guy is embarrassed
about what he did when he drank too much,
but a drunk guy can't wait to tell you
all the trouble he got into.
That is, uh...
(cheering and applause)
That's-that's actually...
that's actually a pretty amazing idea, Kosta.
No, no, no, no, no. Don't give Kosta the credit.
Give drunk Mikey the credit.
Wait, wait, wait, are you... are you drunk?
Have you been drinking at work?
Well, why don't you ask me tomorrow?
I promise I won't lie.
Drunk Michael Kosta, everyone.