LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, JOHN MULANEY!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] ♪♪♪
>> THANK YOU! THANK YOU!
THANK YOU VERY MUCH. IT IS GREAT TO BE HERE HOSTING
"SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE" FOR THE FOURTH TIME.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] IT'S THE MOST ANYONE'S EVER
HOSTED. [ LAUGHTER ]
HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ALL OF YOU AND THANK YOU FOR COMING TO
THIS, THANK YOU FOR EVERYONE HERE WHO DID SO MUCH WORK TO
MAKE SOMETHING HAPPEN, BECAUSE NOTHING HAD BEEN HAPPENING FOR
SO LONG. WE ALL REALLY APPRECIATE IT.
MY NAME IS JOHN MULANEY. I AM A COMEDIAN, OR AS I LIKE TO
CALL US, THE LAST RESPONDERS. [ LAUGHTER ]
I LIVE IN NEW YORK CITY, I LOVE NEW YORK CITY, I LOVE THAT
YOU'RE ALL WEARING MASKS. I'M A LITTLE SAD ABOUT MASKS IN
NEW YORK CITY BECAUSE IT PREVENTS YOU FROM OVERHEARING
CONVERSATIONS ON THE STREET. THAT IS ONE OF THE GREATEST
JOYS. JUST BEFORE COVID
HIT, IN DECEMBER I WAS DOWNTOWN, I WAS ON WEST 12th STREET.
I WAS WALKING DOWNTOWN, I WAS ON WEST 12th, AND I'M WALKING THIS
WAY, AND THIS GUY'S COMING TOWARDS ME THIS WAY.
HE'S ON A CELL PHONE. WE'RE BOTH DOWNTOWN.
AS HE WALKS PAST ME, I HEAR HIM GO, "NO, NO, NO, I CAN'T MEET
RIGHT NOW, I'M WAY UPTOWN." AND THEN HE LOOKED AT ME, AND HE
WINKED. THAT'S THE BEST GUY I'VE EVER
SEEN IN MY LIFE. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
A LOT OF PEOPLE BINGE WATCH TV DURING QUARANTINE.
I ONLY WATCHED ONE SERIES DURING QUARANTINE, AN HOUR-LONG DRAMEDY
CALLED, "THE DAILY PRESS CONFERENCES OF GOVERNOR
ANDREW CUOMO." [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
YES. IT'S GREAT.
IT TOLD THE STORY OF AN ITALIAN-AMERICAN FATHER --
[ LAUGHTER ] WHO AFTER BEING AN EMPTY NESTER
FINDS HIMSELF QUARANTINING WITH HIS TWO DAUGHTERS.
HIGH JINKS ENSUE. HE LEARNS A LOT ABOUT BEING A
FATHER, A LITTLE BIT ABOUT BEING A GOVERNOR.
[ LAUGHTER ] I LOVE THOSE PRESS CONFERENCES.
HE WOULD WALK OUT EVERY DAY A LITTLE TOO EXCITE D
THEN HE'D SIT DOWN AND BE LIKE, OKAY, "TODAY IS TUESDAY."
A HINT OF PRIDE THAT HE REMEMBERED THE DAY.
AS IF BACKSTAGE, ONE OF HIS GIBRONIS WAS LIKE, "THERE'S NO
WAY YOU'RE REMEMBERING THE DAY." "YOU WATCH ME."
HE'D GET OUT THERE AND START HIS RHYTHM.
HE'D BE LIKE, "WE ARE NEW YORK TOUGH, AND WE ARE NEW YORK
TOUGH, AND WE ARE NEW YORK TOUGH BECAUSE WE ARE NEW YORK STRONG,
AND WE ARE NEW YORK STRONG BECAUSE WE ARE NEW YORK KIND."
HE WAS TALKING LIKE SMURF LANGUAGE AFTER A WHILE.
"NEW YORK LANGUAGE IS VERY NEW YORK TO NEW YORKERS JOOFT WHAT
CUOMO DID THAT WAS BRILLIANT IS HE TRIED TO RELATE TO US WITH
HIS OWN PROBLEMS. SOMETIMES HE'D BE TALKING ABOUT
LIKE A SITUATION IT'S WHAT WE'RE ALL GOING THROUGH AND IT WAS
CLEARLY SOMETHING GOING DOWN IN THE CUOMO HOUSEHOLD AT THE
MOMENT. "WE'RE ALL TRYING TO FIGURE THIS
OUT. SAY YOUR BROTHER WANTS TO TAKE
THE KIDS TO SEE GRANDMA. AND HE SAYS, 'WELL, WHAT IF I
BROUGHT THE KIDS JUST HALFWAY INTO THE HOUSE, AND SHE STAYED
ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE KITCHEN?'
I SAID, 'IT'S AN AIRBORNE ILLNESS.
YOU CAN'T HAVE THE KIDS EVEN THAT CLOSE TO GRANDMA.'
SHE SAYS, 'WELL, IT'S IMPORTANT FOR THEM TO SEE THEIR
GRANDMOTHER.' I SAID, 'YOU GAVONE BITCH, IF
YOU BRING YOUR KIDS EVEN INTO MY MUD ROOM OF MY MOTHER'S HOUSE, I
WILL BREAK YOUR NECK AND BURY YOU IN THE ROCKAWAYS."
I AM WORRIES THAT WHEN THE CORONAVIRUS IS OVER, CUOMO WON'T
REALIZE THAT HIS SHOW IS OVER. [ LAUGHTER ]
I'M AFRAID HE'LL TAKE IT ON THE ROAD AND TRY TO PLAY STADIUMS,
HEY, WHO WANTS TO HEAR ABOUT MY DAUGHTER'S BOYFRIEND?
EVERYONE'S LIKE, PLAY COVID! [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
AND BY THE WAY, HE'S OUR LEAST-WEIRD POLITICIAN OF
AMERICA, LIKE 45 OF THE WEIRD ONES.
OH, YES. I'M SUPPOSED TO MAKE AN
ANNOUNCEMENT. ON NOVEMBER 3rd THERE IS AN
ELDERLY MAN CONTEST. [ LAUGHTER ]
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO PICK YOUR FAVORITE OF THE ELDERLY MEN.
WE MIGHT HAVE THE SAME ELDERLY MAN OR WE MIGHT HAVE A NEW
ELDERLY MAN. REST ASSURED, NO MATTER WHAT
HAPPENS, NOTHING MUCH WILL CHANGE IN THE UNITED STATES.
THE RICH WILL CONTINUE TO PROSPER WHILE THE POOR LANGUISH.
FAMILIES WILL BE UPENDED BY MENTAL ILLNESS AND DRUG
ADDICTION. JANE LYNCH WILL CONTINUE TO BOOK
LOTS OF PROJECTS. [ LAUGHTER ]
WHEN SHE DOES, SHE'LL DELIVER, SHE'S SO GOOD AT BEING ON TV.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] THAT WILL CONTINUE.
BUT THERE WILL BE PROBLEMS. THERE WILL BE SLEEPOVERS WHERE
FIVE OF THE GIRLS GANG UP ON ONE OF THE GIRLS.
[ LAUGHTER ] AND THEY BULLY THE GIRL.
AND THE GIRL THEY'RE BULLYING, THE GIRL HAVING THE SLEEPOVER
DIDN'T EVEN WANT TO INVITE BUT HER MOM MADE HER AND THAT'S THE
ROOT OF THE TENSION. THEY BULLY HER UNTIL SHE'S
CRYING AND SHE WANTS TO GO HOME. AND THEN THE PARENTS OF THE GIRL
THROWING THE SLEEPOVER WILL HAVE TO CALL THE UNPOPULAR GIRL'S
PARENTS, CAN YOU COME PICK HER UP?
THEN THAT MOMENT WHERE THE DAD HAS TO SIT AT THE DINING ROOM
TABLE WHILE THEY WAIT FOR THE PICKUP.
HE'S IN PAJAMAS AND THE OUTCAST IS IN HER WINTER COAT, LOOKING
STOIC. THEY HAVE NOTHING TO TALK ABOUT,
YOU KNOW, SO HE TRIES TO APOLOGIZE FOR THE FACT THAT HIS
DAUGHTER IS A BITCH. [ LAUGHTER ]
HE KIND OF IMPLIES SHE GETS IT FROM THE WIFE.
[ LAUGHTER ] ALL OF THAT WILL STILL CONTINUE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] IT IS AMERICA.
BUT, BUT YOU SHOULD VOTE. YOU'VE GOT TO VOTE.
VOTE AS MANY TIMES AS YOU CAN. [ LAUGHTER ]
VOTE. DON'T JUST -- FILL IN EVERY
CIRCLE, EVERY DOT, FILL IT IN. IF A PAGE SAYS "THIS PAGE WAS
INTENTIONALLY LEFT BLANK," YOU WRITE WHATEVER YOU WANT, THAT'S
YOUR SPACE AS AN AMERICAN. [ LAUGHTER ]
MY NANA IS GOING TO VOTE. SHE'S 94 YEARS OLD.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] YES.
DO YOU APPLAUD FOR THINGS THAT YOU DON'T THINK ARE A GOOD IDEA?
[ LAUGHTER ] AND THIS IS -- LOOK, THIS IS
MY OPINION, I DON'T THINK IT'S GOING TO BE THAT POPULAR.
SHUT THE DOOR SO NO ONE HEARS IT.
[ LAUGHTER ] I DON'T THINK MAYBE SHE SHOULD
VOTE. YOU DON'T GET TO VOTE WHEN
YOU'RE 94-YEARS-OLD! YOU DON'T GET TO ORDER FOR THE
TABLE WHEN YOU'RE ABOUT TO LEAVE THE RESTAURANT!
[ APPLAUSE ] I'M SORRY.
THAT JOKE IS AGEIST. THAT IS WRONG.
IT IS WRONG TO SAY ONE AGE GROUP IS BETTER THAN ANOTHER.
THAT WOULD BE LIKE CALLING YOURSELF THE GREATEST
GENERATION. "OH, WE FOUGHT THE NAZIS!"
WELL, WE'RE TRYING TO FIGHT THE NEW NAZIS IF YOU GET OUT OF THE
WAY AND STOP VOTING FOR PEOPLE YOU SAW IN BETWEEN COIN
COLLECTOR COMMERCIALS. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
I LOVE MY GRANDMA. I LOVE MY NANA.
YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU'RE A LITTLE KID, YOU LOVE YOUR GRANDMA
TOTALLY. BUT, AS YOU GET OLDER YOU START
TO BE LIKE, "WHY DOES THAT OLD LADY MAKE MOM SO NERVOUS?"
SOMETHING MUST HAVE HAPPENED THERE.
BUT MY NANA IS A GREAT, ECCENTRIC, WONDERFUL PERSON.
I'LL TELL YOU A STORY. WHEN SHE WAS 88 YEARS OLD, SHE
DIDN'T LIKE HER DRIVER'S LICENSE PHOTO.
SHE WAS STILL DRIVING AT 88, THAT'S NOT EVEN THE POINT OF THE
STORY. [ LAUGHTER ]
SHE DIDN'T LIKE HER DRIVER'S LICENSE PHOTO.
SHE THOUGHT IT WAS NOT FLATTERING.
I TAKE HER SIDE, I ALSO THOUGHT IT WAS UNFLATTERING.
MAINLY BECAUSE IT WAS A PHOTO OF AN 88-YEAR-OLD WOMAN.
[ LAUGHTER ] HER PLAN WAS THIS.
SHE WAS GOING TO GO TO THE MARBLEHEAD, MASSACHUSETTS, DMV
AND TELL THEM SHE LOST HER LICENSE.
SHE GETS TO THE DMV, SHE SAID, I'VE LOST MY LICENSE, I NEED A
NEW LICENSE AND A NEW PHOTO. THE GUY AT THE DMV SAYS, "DO YOU
HAVE ANY PROOF OF I.D.?" SHE TOOK OUT HER LICENSE.
SHE TOLD ME, "WE STARED AT EACH OTHER FOR A MOMENT, THEN I SAID,
YOU'VE CAUGHT ME IN A LIE AND I TOOK MY LICENSE AND LEFT."
A COUPLE OF SUMMERS AGO I WAS WITH MY NANA AND I WALKED HER TO
THE CAR, I HAD TO, NOT LIKE WHEN YOU WALK A BRIDESMAID, I HAD TO
HOLD HER UP. AND, I GOT HER TO HER CAR.
HER CAR'S LIKE BROWN OR GRAY, IT HAS NO BRAND, I THINK THE
GOVERNMENT GAVE IT TO HER. [ LAUGHTER ]
WE GET TO HER DOOR, I GET HER TO THE CAR AND I OPEN THE DOOR.
AND, SHE LOOKS AT ME AND SHE SAYS, "YOU KNOW, I USED TO BE
CAROLYN STANTON. BUT NOW EVERYONE SAYS I'M
JOHN MULANEY'S GRANDMOTHER. WELL, I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT IF
I WASN'T YOUR GRANDMOTHER, I WOULDN'T KNOW WHO YOU ARE.
SORRY!" [ LAUGHTER ]
AND THEN SHE DROVE OFF. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
THE STROKES ARE HERE, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] STICK AROUND.
WE'RE GOING TO BE RIGHT BACK.