How to deal with your son being gay? I'm a big believer in speaking from
experience and I don't have much in this particular area but Becky Mackintosh does
and she's here today at Live On Purpose TV.
This can be kind of a tough topic and
I'm so glad that you're here and I'm so glad that you're here. Folks, this is
Becky Mackintosh, dear friend of mine who has reasons to know about what we're
talking about here today. Becky, do you want to share some of your story just to
give that context to our to our viewers today? So my 24 year old son told me, "Mom,
I'm gay and you're the first person that I've talked to about this." and that broke
my heart thinking that for 24 years, he kept that to himself and then also I'm
like, okay, he hasn't told anyone so we can fix this and then no one
will never have to know, this was just a phase but I felt like the sky was
falling, like it really shook my world and as I listened, as I sought to
understand him in and realized, this is not a phase, this is something that he has
been struggling and doing with and trying to figure out for as long as he
can remember from such a little a little young boy and as I listened and
sought to understand, I realized that this wasn't something to fix. That
he needed love and understanding and to know that we would walk this journey
together. Becky, can I just put some context around this because
I know your family pretty well and you've got a conservative religious
family, you've got very strong family values that you've taught your
children through all of their growing up years. You're a speaker, you're a
presenter. In fact, we know each other through the
National Speakers Association, you and your husband Scott have been on my podcast
and we've had a lot of fun interactions and when your son came to you, he was 24
at the time so think about this, folks, was this just a "Hey, I think I'll just go
tell mom something." No, he had agonized probably for years about how to approach
you about this. He knew that he had to at some point but as a parent,
you were totally unprepared for the reveal, right?
Yeah, that's not something that I expected of her or suspected and yeah, it
caught me off guard and one had kept him in the closet is because he had been
listening to our dialogue and conversation growing up and so he
was struggling inside, how can I ever come out? Can I ever tell mom and dad? Are
they going to accept me, reject me? And as I have become public about
this and we've shared our story on several different mediums that and
people reach out to me and hear their stories, you know, I've come to a better
understanding and realization that you know, it's scary to be vulnerable
and to come out and especially to your parents. You don't know if
they're going to reject you, how they're going to respond. I tell you, the
best way, and I made lots of mistakes.. Oh okay, so you've learned from
experience, Becky. Yes, I've learned that you will never regret saying I love you.
You will never regret seeking to understand, you will never regret just
throwing your arms around your son or daughter and hugging them and thanking
them for trusting you with this about them and assuring them that you love
them no matter what, that this doesn't change in anything and it's important
that you treat them the same, the same person as they
yesterday before you knew. Well, what's changed? Unless
you were treating them poorly before. Got that point. Well what has
changed? Nothing has changed except your knowledge. They are the same person,
they've been agonizing about this forever, you're new to the party here and
so keeping that in perspective, I love the way you phrased that, Becky. You
will never regret expressions of love, expressions of support, expressions of
appreciation that they trust you enough to share this information with you.
You'll never regret those. Some of the things that you say or do you might
regret. Yeah, absolutely.
It's never too late to apologize, it's never too late to say I'm
sorry but you know, you're usually speaking from what you think is a place
of love. So for me, I discovered I was speaking
from a place of fear. Right, because you've got this imagination of
what this means and how it's going to change everything in it. Really,
nothing has changed except your knowledge is now there so treating
them the same, if you're treating them well. Loved that you know, what you also
said something that I think bears some repeating, we're coming sometimes from a
place of fear instead of a place of love. Your job as a parent is to love them no
matter what, right? No matter what and even if, that's your job as a
parent. It's not to make sure that they don't or that they're not or that
whatever, right? That gets us tied in knots. I love your approach here, Becky,
because it's coming from a place of love you will never regret sharing those
expressions of love so start with that and realize that some of the alarm
that's going on in your own mind is from a place of fear. Are they gonna work
through that, Becky, at some point? Can you overcome the urgency? You can
another thing I need to mention that I find that parents go through a grieving
process and I did too. You grieve what you envisioned your child's life
was going to look like and and that takes some time to get through that and
to process that and wrap your brain around possibly a different, a family
that may look different than what you had envisioned and reach a point
that that's okay. You know what, Becky, when does it turn out the way we
expected it to? Never. I have seven children. You got two, so far. And
nothing turns out how you plan or expect but that's where the growth comes in and
that's where that the beauty of diversity comes in to and learning to
work together and communicate and that's another thing. Communication is key and
to keep those lines of communication open. Mmm, this is part of the grand
adventure of parenting. You never know exactly what you're gonna get,
right? So then we're not just talking about your son or your daughter coming
out as gay or lesbian, it could be anything, it could be an accident that
leaves your child quadriplegic, it could be that your child flunks out of school
or chooses to discontinue their schooling. You know, where your
picture was, oh yeah, they go on and become this doctor lawyer or whatever,
right? We get to adjust our expectations all the time so this is
just one of those things. It tends to pack a little more emotional power
though partially because of some of the the strongly held beliefs or traditions
that we have, the family values that we have. Your son was a little hesitant at
first, well maybe a lot hesitant because he knew that mom and dad are not going
to approve of this, right? And so what courage it takes to actually
come out but that also informs us a little bit as parents as to how we can
set up a culture within the family, like you're saying, of communication, open
communication. You can talk to me, you can talk to us about anything, anything on
this planet, we can discuss, we can have some open dialogue about hearing this
family. That's key. Helpful. For me, I wanted our family to stay together and
every conversation you have with your child is either creating a stronger bond
or it's driving in a wedge and you're with everything that you say in
your conversations, your child is deciding how much they can share with
you, how much you can stand about this, how much you can take.
So having that open dialogue and creating a safe place that no matter
what you share with me, I will love you. There is nothing that you can do that
will put you outside the family circle which is also because I have a
lot of parents, they go, we have long younger children and younger
grandchildren and we get to. What message is this going to send to them? Oh, good
question. The message it's going to send to them by loving and including is that
there is nothing that they can do that will put them outside the family circle, that
they can come to you for anything and that you will work together and you'll
stay together and I mean, that's key, you create those strong bonds within
your family and that comes through kindness, love and respect. I am so glad
that you mentioned that one, Becky. I had a client not too long ago who asked that
very question. What is it going to teach or show my younger children, my
grandchildren if I'm accepting or inclusive of my gay son and I turned it
right back on her kind of like we just did just now. What is it going to tell
them? And you nailed it. It tells them I will love you no matter what and
even if. Now there might be some anxiety coming up in your mind about yeah, but
what about our family values? And folks, your kids already know, right?
You spent your whole parenting life teaching them what your values are, they know
and I've interviewed the kids. Do you know what your family values? Oh yeah,
they know.That doesn't mean they always conform their life into the same kind of
a little mold that you've envisioned for them but they already know and so do
your younger kids and your grandkids so let's send a powerful message that we
are committed to our number one job as a parent which is to love them no matter
what and even if. So Becky, in the
spirit of open communication? Can you share with us some things that you've
found that are helpful maybe in terms of how we interact with our child who has
just done this big reveal come out of the closet? What's a more helpful
place than that fear we were talking about earlier? Yeah, some great questions
to ask your child and to be able to create that safe space and the
communication is what has this been like for you?
Oh, brilliant. It's not about me. Right. That's the brilliance of it, Becky,
because we get out of our own way and put the focus back where it needs to be
right now. What has this been like for you?
Oh wow, powerful. What has been the hardest part? And it might be the
conversation they're having right now with you. Most likely, it is. I hear that
so often is telling you yeah.. Wouldn't you love for your child to have an
experience where, oh, I am so relieved to just you know, have you in the loop now
mom or dad to know that you know and to have you respond with such love. And it
is such a relief. Our son described it as this weight being lifted off his
shoulders. How are you able to have his parents
know and then his siblings know, to no longer feel like
he's living a lie or keeping something hidden that he could have an open
conversation and be loved and accepted for who he is and not for someone he's
pretending to be and one other thing that I have found is so key and so
important is to ask. How can I best support you and even, you know, asking God,
how can I be the best parent for this child? And it always comes down to love,
just loving, just love. That's probably what they're going to say. I love that
question because you're shifting instead of, well here's what you need to do which
you might be inclined to do as a parent, that's not helpful.
Would you agree? So instead, we're taking a position of, tell me how I can best
support you right now? And they're probably going to say just love
me. They might also give you some ideas you
haven't thought of and just be open to those because they've thought about this
a whole lot more than you have at this point. Would you agree? I hope you got a
feel from that of the positive energy that can happen even in the difficult
circumstance. Follow some of Becky's advice and I think you're going to see
some really great results.