♪
♪♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
WELCOME BACK!
GIVE IT UP FOR THE JON BATISTE AND "STAY HUMAN"!
♪♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
JON, OH, MY GOSH.
OH, MY GOSH.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) DELIGHTFUL.
WHAT A DELIGHTFUL NIGHT WE'RE HAVING HERE AT THE ED SULLIVAN
THEATER.
JON, HOW DID THINGS GO AT THAT TIME THE TANGLEWOOD WITH THE
B.S.O.
>> Jon: INCREDIBLE, MAN.
B.S.O. IN TANGLEWOOD TOGETHER, AND MAVIS WAS THERE, WE HAD SUCH
A GREAT TIME.
>> Stephen: MAVIS STAPLES WAS THERE?
>> Jon: MAVIS STAPLES WAS THERE.
>> Stephen: DID YOU GIVE HER MY LOVE?
>> Jon: SHE SAID SHE WANTED TO GIVE YOU A KISS RIGHT ON THE
CHEEK, SO -- >> Stephen: HIT ME LATER, HIT
ME LATER.
>> Jon: JON YEAH.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: FOLKS, I LOVE
TELEVISION, AND NOT JUST BECAUSE IT'S ALSO MY
MIRROR.
BUT BETWEEN NETWORK, CABLE, AND STREAMING SERVICES, THERE'S SO
MUCH CONTENT OUT THERE, IT'S HARD TO KEEP UP.
BUT I'LL TRY TO BRING YOU UP TO SPEED IN MY BRAND NEW,
LONG-RUNNING TV EXAMINING SEGMENT --
♪♪ >> OH, YEAH, THIS GUY!
>> "STEPHEN COLBERT'S TELE-TRENDSI-VISION."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: TONIGHT ON
"STEPHEN COLBERT'S TELE-TRENDS-IVISION,"
WE'RE LOOKING AT THE TITILLATING WORLD OF REALITY ROMANCE, WHICH
MAY SOUND SHALLOW, BUT THE HOTTEST DATING SHOWS NOWADAYS
ARE ALL ABOUT ONE THING: PERSONALITY.
( LAUGHTER ) TAKE, "MARRIED AT FIRST SIGHT,"
WHERE COUPLES ARE BETROTHED, SIGHT-UNSEEN, BY RELATIONSHIP
EXPERTS "LOVE IS BLIND," WHERE SINGLES
GO ON BLIND DATES IN SEPARATE PODS, OR, "TOO HOT TO HANDLE"
WHERE ATTRACTIVE CONTESTANTS SHARE A VILLA, BUT THEY CAN'T
TOUCH EACH OTHER WITHOUT THEIR $100,000, PRIZE POT DEPLETING.
NOW, WAIT A SECOND.
IF PEOPLE ARE GETTING PAID FOR 'NOT' HAVING SEX, I WOULD LIKE
ROYALTIES FROM MY 20S.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
NOT SEEING EACH OTHER IS THE HOT DATING SHOW TREND OF THE MOMENT.
AND NOW THERE'S A NEW PLAYER THAT TAKES IT TO A WHOLE 'NOTHER
LEVEL.
WELCOME TO THE STRANGEST BLIND DATE EVER.
>> HEY HOW YOU DOING?
>> HOW ARE YOU?
>> COULD YOU FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE BASED ON PERSONALITY
ALONE?
>> YOU'RE THE BEST LOOKING DEVIL I'VE EVER SEEN.
>> I KISSED THIS GIRL AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT SHE LOOKS LIK
( LAUGHTER ) >> I'M GONNA GO OUT ON A LIMB
AND SAY WOMEN THESE DAYS WEAR A LITTLE TOO MUCH MAKE UP.
DARLING, YOU HAVE GOT TO BLEND.
( LAUGHTER ) >> STEPHEN: OL' TESTICLE SKULL
OVER HERE, IS IN A SHOW CALLED "SEXY BEASTS," IT'S EVERYTHING
YOU THINK IT IS, AND I AM HERE FOR IT.
>> UH, SO, I LIKE YOUR FIN - >> STEPHEN: LOOK, FELLAS, DON'T
LET HER CATCH YOU STARING AT HER FIN THE WHOLE TIME.
HELLO, MY BLOWHOLE IS DOWN HERE.
( LAUGHTER ) AT THE END OF THE DAY, THOUGH,
IT'S NOT ABOUT THE CRAZY MAKE UP.
IT'S ABOUT WHAT'S INSIDE.
>> PERSONALITY FOR ME IS EVERYTHING-
>> Stephen: YES, EXACTLY!
PERSONALITY IS WHY WE'RE GONNA WATCH.
NOT BECAUSE WE WANNA SEE A GRASSHOPPER BANG FLIPPER.
( LAUGHTER ) OF COURSE, NOT ALL THE BEASTS
ARE THERE FOR AN EMOTIONAL CONNECTION.
>> ASS FIRST, PERSONALITY SECOND.
( LAUGHTER ) >> STEPHEN: WITH AN ATTITUDE
LIKE THAT, I KNOW ONE BEAVER WHO'S NOT GETTING ANY TAIL.
( LAUGHTER ) I, FOR ONE, THINK THESE MASKS
ARE THE FUTURE OF DATING TV.
SO IF "SEXY BEASTS" ISN'T YOUR THING, YOU CAN ALWAYS TUNE INTO
PARAMOUNT+ NEW SHOW "LOVE WITH A BAG ON YOUR HEAD"
WHICH IS THE SECOND ITERATION.
WE AT PARAMOUNT CBS WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGIZE FOR SOME
UNFORESEEN CONSEQUENCES ON THE SET OF "LOVE WITH A PLASTIC BAG
ON YOUR HEAD."
( LAUGHTER ) PARAMOUNT+, A MOUNTAIN OF
LAWSUITS.
( LAUGHTER ) EITHER WAY, IT LOOKS LIKE
COMMITTING TO STRANGERS IS THE NEW ROMANCE TREND, AND I FOR ONE
SALUTE THIS INNOVATION IN -- >> WAIT A SECOND.
HOLD UP, STEVE >> STEPHEN: OH, IT'S MY WRITER,
PRATIMA MANI.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) PRATIMA, WHAT'RE YOU DOING HERE?
I MEAN, ALWAYS LOVELY TO SEE YOU, BUT WHAT ARE YOU DOING
HERE?
>> I'M HERE TO PICK A BONE WITH THIS CULTURAL APPROPRIATION
>> STEPHEN: WHAT?
HOW ARE THESE DATING SHOWS CULTURALLY APPROPRIATING?
>> UH, HELLO?
PROPOSING TO SOMEONE WITHOUT SEEING THEM?
KEEPING IT IN YOUR PANTS TILL YOU'RE COMMITTED?
THIS IS JUST GOOD OL' FASHIONED SOUTH ASIAN ARRANGED MARRIAGE,
WITH A FROG MASK THROWN IN.
( LAUGHTER ) >> STEPHEN: THAT SEEMS LIKE AN
EXAGGERATION.
>> STEVE, MY PARENTS MET EACH OTHER JUST THREE TIMES BEFORE
GETTING ENGAGED.
THEY JUST DIDN'T STOP BY THE POP-UP HALLOWEEN STORE FIRST.
( LAUGHTER ) WE NEED TO RIGHT THIS INJUSTICE.
>> STEPHEN: SO ARE YOU DEMANDING THESE DATING SHOWS CREDIT SOUTH
ASIAN CULTURE?
>> NO, I AM DEMANDING THEY HAVE ME ON.
I WANNA DATE A WOLF-BEAVER.
>> STEPHEN: I'M SORRY?
>> YOU HEARD ME STEVE.
I WANT MY PARENTS TO SET ME UP WITH A DUDE WHO HAS THE BODY OF
A LEOPARD AND THE HEAD OF A WATER BUFFALO.
WHILE I'M DRESSED AS A MERMAID-CHEETAH.
BUT WE WON'T BE ABLE TO SEE EACH OTHER 'CAUSE WE'LL BE TRAPPED IN
TWO DIFFERENT SENSORY DEPRIVATION TANKS.
AS GOD INTENDED.
( LAUGHTER ) >> STEPHEN: PRATIMA, THAT SEEMS
LIKE SOMETHING YOU SHOULD FIGURE OUT ON YOUR OWN.
>> I TRIED.
( LAUGHTER ) IT'S BEEN A LONELY PANDEMIC, AND
I'VE BEEN WATCHING A LOT OF ANIMAL PLANET.
( LAUGHTER ) I NEED THIS.
>> STEPHEN: PRATIMA MANI, EVERYBODY.
THANK YOU, PRA PRATIMA.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH KEEGAN-MICHAEL KEY.
♪♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )