I've had some requests to expand on a topic I discussed a few weeks ago. The topic was
jealousy. Now, previously, we were talking about casual dating, but today, we're going
to talk relationships. What do you do when your partner has an issue with unjustified
jealousy? I'm going to give you four rock solid strategies for handling a jealous partner
in a relationship. Hey, it's Mark here, founder of Make Him Yours and creator of Find Love
in Five Steps. Stay tuned.
[Music playing]
Okay, so previously, we were talking about casual relationships and the basic premise
of that video was you don't. You don't have to accept jealousy in casual relationships
because the guy hasn't invested enough to earn it from you. But when it's your partner,
when it's your boyfriend in a relationship, that's a different matter. That's a guy who
has made big investments in you, and he does have a right to express his feelings and have
them heard. Jealousy can be really toxic to relationships.
The problem is if you just cater to it whenever it comes up,
you'll end up having to stop doing the things you love just to keep the peace.
Now, in the long-term, that's obviously not a good thing because
it's going to breed resentment. So what do you do? How do you handle this problem to
bring back a happy relationship? So rule number one, and let me make this really clear.
Rule number one, his jealousy is NOT, is NOT your fault. So, "You made me jealous when you
flirted with this guy," or "I wouldn't be jealous if you acted that way," or even something like,
"I only check up on you because I love you." Things like this is a partner putting their
feelings onto you and blaming their jealousy on you.
So jealous partners will guilt-trip you in that way into believing that,
that their jealousy is your fault.
And the problem is if you buy into this, you end up in the worst kind of lose-lose situation.
Option one, you can stop doing the things you love and lose part of
who you are in the process, which is going to breed resentment.
But option two, if you keep doing the things you love,
you're then going to feel horrible about yourself for doing them because the whole time, you'll
feel like you're hurting your partner
because you've taken on the responsibility for their pain.
Soon, you're going to start hating that activity that you used to love. So this is where you
have to really take an honest look at yourself and ask one simple question, "is this thing
I'm doing, this activity that my partner is jealous over, is it really an innocent thing
that I just enjoy for myself?" If your answer is yes, then you cannot take responsibility
for his feelings of jealousy. So for example, if you have a guy friend you hang out with,
and you can be honest with yourself and say that this guy really is just a friend, he
always has been, it's purely platonic.
Or if you have a bar job where maybe you do get hit on some times,
but you do that job because you love it, and you're passionate about the
bar industry and would never do anything disrespectful to your partner because of it.
If that's the case, you cannot stop doing these things you love just to appease his
jealousy. And this is what leads me to rule number two, is reassure him without giving
up the things you love. So if you stop doing the innocent things you love just to keep
the peace, you're going to establish a pattern that empowers that jealousy. Essentially, you
reward the behavior. So rather than helping him grow and growing together with him as
a couple, he learns that he can use jealousy every time he feels uncomfortable.
He never learns coping strategies. He just becomes a pro at using jealousy, right?
Jealousy ultimately stems from insecurity. Now, we all have insecurities.
That's totally normal, but you're not helping your partner grow through his
by just submitting to them. Instead, help him deal with them by reassuring him.
For example, let's say he's jealous and makes a big deal out of you having
lunch with a male friend.
The wrong way to go about the situation would be to not see the friend at all and just appease
his jealousy. Essentially, what you're doing is you're enabling it, and you're establishing
a pattern where you reward and encourage that behavior, but it will be just as wrong to
get pissed off at him or not respond to him at all, and then go see your friend anyway.
That's not really helping him grow through his insecurities either. He's just going to
sit at home, probably driving himself insane, thinking about the two of you, and what you're
doing and then cause you a ton of drama when you get home. The right way to go about this
situation is to sit him down maybe the day before, maybe earlier in the day and say, basically,
say this, "Look, boyfriend, you know me and Mitch had been best friends for a long time.
You know it's platonic and you know how in love with you I am. I'm coming home to you
and until you mess up really badly, I always will. So if that's not enough for you, let
me know. But I'm still learning to be myself in this relationship. Can you trust me and
can you handle that?"
So you're being very reassuring while also being firm with him.
The next rule, rule number three is don't try to love him out of it.
We constantly get bombarded with this message.
You know, true love conquers all. You know the classic Hollywood story, once we have
love at our backs, we're empowered to chase our dreams and forget all of our fears.
What this leads to is the mindset that if we love our partners enough,
it will give them the strength to break through their jealousy and
fears. And unfortunately, as nice as this is,
it isn't true. If every time a dog barks, you go and pet the dog, then that dog is just
going to keep barking. And if you give your partner absolute undying love and attention
every time he gets jealous, you establish a pattern where he knows he can get quality
attention from you just by displaying jealousy.
Again, this isn't to say you don't reassure him if he's, if he's jealous and he has those
insecurities, which we all do, you're probably going to have to reassure him more than maybe
a more confident guy. But what you can't do is dish it out as a response. Almost like
a monkey pressing a button. His strength to conquer his insecurities won't come from your
love. It has to come from inside him and to find it, he's going to have to face his insecurities,
which means you have to put him in a position to do that.
So reassure him and love him absolutely
a hundred percent but don't fall into the trap of thinking you'll love is all it will
take. Mostly, he has to find the strength for himself.
And finally, rule number four is the more he can own it, the better he'll do.
So if your partner is the type that can put his
ego aside, admit as jealousy and as willing to work on it with you, then you have a partner
with potential to change and grow.
He'll be willing to implement strategies.
He'll be willing to show more emotional awareness.
He may even be willing to come and see someone with you to help himself out
and help him grow through it. A man that's open to change is always a man that can succeed.
So even if your partner is very over jealous and very crazy,
if he's willing to work on it and take
action, there is always hope for happy and long lasting relationship. So to summarize,
the worst thing you can do is make yourself responsible for his feelings and then encourage
his jealousy by giving into it. You'll only end up losing yourself and resenting him.
Rule number one, his jealousy as long as what you're doing is innocent is not your fault.
Number two, reassure him without giving up things that make you you. Number three, don't
try to love him out of it.
He shouldn't be able to press a jealous button and get your love and attention on command.
He has to be given some space to face his fears. And number four, the more he can own
it, the better he'll do. If he's the type of guy who can work on it, he's definitely
capable of a fulfilling relationship. So that's it. Thanks for watching! I hope that gives
you a plan to help deal with your partner's jealousy in your relationship. If you're having
further difficulties, uh post, your question below in the comments.
Check out makehimyours.com.au/coaching if you want to ask me a further question
and remember to subscribe. I'll talk to you soon.