Hey.
Hey, what does this smell like?
Um, like the dysfunctional asshole
I broke up with six months ago.
Oh, is that what you want?
LANA: Yup.
He just gets a pass like Milton Berle?
LANA: Yup.
Sweet old Korean lady?
Yup.
Is that how you want to play it?
- Yup. - Fine.
Baby.
No, no, now, that is a breach of trust, Lana.
Do you really want to open this can of trust breachy worms
right after I caught you and my ex-boyfriend with
a dead hooker in the trunk?
Who are you supposed to be?
Top or bottoms?
Stern yet sensual skipper of the USS Rough Service.
These two can share a cabin.
Nope.
Not going to let the terrorists win.
We'll pose as husband and wife.
Nope.
My vulva is smoother than a veal cutlet.
What terrible timing.
You're really going to leave me out here?
Yep.
I like your new hairdo, by the way.
Well, if you like the collar, you got to love the cuffs.
Wh-- you're just doing this to spite me.
And?
You just have to find the right guy who's
not intimidated by your power.
Or my twin TEC-9s.
Or those big steam shovel scoops you call hands.
Wh--
I'm kidding.
And one more crack about monster
hands and I promise you, I will shoot your fat Irish faces off.
I'm sorry. Was that racist?
I'm not mad at you. I'm sorry.
I'm mad at Archer.
I am literally wet with jealousy.
Laugh it up, Lana.
I am.
You almost got shot in the face.
Get off.
You get off.
Cyril, I'm pretty tense right now.
Because of the Cubans or because Burt
Reynolds is doing your mom?
Shut your dick holes.
Get your gear.
Shut up again and start walking.
Any questions?
Freeze! Hands up.
Get em up. - What is this?
They've got a gun.
I swear to god, if any of Canadian fruitcakes move,
I will shoot that stupid hat right off your head.
If you're looking for insight into why Archer is Archer,
you need to jump in a time machine
and then go have a threesome with Oedipus and Sigmund Freud.
Oh and Trish, with your looks, maybe
bitchy's not the way to go.
And I expect you to be totally convincing.
As the damsel in distress?
Have you ever met a woman less damsely?
I'm not going to hit you.
Oh, why?
Is your vagina bothering you?
Since when is babysitting Archer my jo--
my god, that's exactly my job.
- No, no, no. - Enjoy your stay--
--no, no,
--Mr. and Mrs. Archer.
Ugh, it's like my heart's being gripped
by the icy fingers of some terrifying ghost of honeymoon
future.
What was that?
I couldn't hear you over the sound of your wrongness.
Because you let him.
Because you let him push your buttons,
that's why you stormed off with no GPS, gun,
phone, or life saving water and that's
why you died in the desert.
Holy shit.
I'm going to die in the desert.
[GASPS] just like Cheryl's gypsy woman said.
How would I ever die in a dessert?
In addition to sushi, booze, and soft cheeses,
I'm also supposed to abstain from bus crashes.
So stay awake.
I'm trying but 18 hours--
I don't know how Pam is doing it.
Seriously?
Thought.
You were going to shoot me
Day's not over.
Oh, shit.
Yeah, you're going to be a great mother.
I could start smoking crack today
and he'd still turn out better than you.
ARCHER: Lana.
Lana.
La-- [MUFFLED]
Everything, everywhere, every when is about the paragon
of adequacy that is your dick.
And if you tell him I said this,
I'll break your frickin' arms.
It's Archer time.
And get me some fricking morphine.
Lana, come on.
What kind of doula would I be if I let you have mor--
what?
[MOANS]
Wow.
And some ammo.
Archerizing this plan.
What? No.
No.
Uh-uh.
You cannot make yourself a verb.
I will not allow it.
Remember when the office shut down
and we spent an entire year as coke dealers.
What?
So people just quit?
Why are your plans always so complicated?
You're like Wile E. Coyote with access to predator drones.
Where is AJ?
She's with mother.
Calm down.
Why am I in a car in a trench coat and lingerie?
Why am I in-- Oh my god.
There was a vagina in your sink.
OK, technically yes.
[GLASS BREAKS]
Lana?
What?
Now with AJ, I thought it would
be safer than being a spy.
Lana, I want you to tail them tonight and--
No, I can't, OK?
Tonight I have to make a huge batch of hamentashen
and take them over to that headmaster.
Wait. What?
At his house?
Yes.
That's like a really bad idea.
So does minding my business.
Are you literally insane?
No.
But I'll tell you what is, AJ's tuition
for Country Day Preschool.
Wait, I thought she was banned from there.
She was until we made a sizable donation
to their endowment fund.
How sizable?
Uh, we should probably hear him out.
God damn it.
But he's so goddamn immature, he
thinks it's funny to watch the mother of his child hauled off
to jail.
(SINGING) What a lovely way it's to burn.
Baby.
I'm going to leave you here, between hope and despair.
Get up there and entertain those people.
How?
Do you want me to do a striptease?
Hmm.
That was a joke.
[BREAKING GLASS]
Oh, great.
Now I have no liquor, just a big fat pair of blue lady balls.
Look lady, and here obviously I'm
using the word lady in the very broadest possible sense.
Let's go, toots.
I got places to be.
OK, A, the free clinic's not even open till 9:00 and 2--
What the-- who the hell do you think you are?
Oh shit.
Yeah, oh shit.
Her Royal Highness, Princess Lanaluia Kalani.
Can someone please explain to me
why Mr. Fux and I aren't sipping champagne
in the plane I chartered.
I always found that ironic that if you
really want to get bent over, just ask a missionary.
[SPITS]
I forbid it.
Excuse me?
I forbid it.
As princess, I forbid the looting
of Mitimotu's cultural artifacts by you, you Europeans.
Well, Der Fuhrer--
The Charlie Chaplin guy?
Nein!
So you're not going to do anything?
Well, I'm no good to us dead.
What good are you alive?
So we've got an alien on board that's multiplying, no food,
and scavengers might still be tracking us.
Anyone have an idea that doesn't involve us dying in space?
Just what in my own personal hell
do you two think you're doing?
Well--
And don't insult my intelligence by lying to me.
No, I will not gorge myself on a highly addictive substance
while we drift into a war zone while listening
to a shitty rock musical because it's insane and we will die.
Lana?
Lana.
Let me go ahead and save you the trouble of shouting my name
like a shrill five-year-old.
Shrill?
And point out that I'm a little busy
doing both our jobs.
Miss Kane, is it?
Yep.
Ah, what is it now?
You know, we're only trying to steal
back a priceless artifact that, by the way, belongs in a--
holy shit.
He woke up.
Look, we had a great team dynamic going before he came
back so let's just roll it back to coma
o'clock and-- oh my god.
We try to keep things professional around here.
Fine. God.
How about work-related erection?
More like, maybe try not talking
about your erection at all.
We've been over this.
The agency doesn't kill anymore, jackass.
He's a lunatic.
I mean, clearly he asked you out because--
well--
Well, what?
Oh, come on.
He's trying to send a message that he found a stand in,
you know for-- for this.
No one screw up or I'll put your bones
in a blender and hit frappe.
Rampage.
Honestly, at this point, I'd wipe out the entire Earth
if you went with it.
God damn it, Pam.
Hey, shit for brains, I'm busy.
Leave me the hell alone.
Man, this guy is like Houdini.
Meaning he hopped in a cab while you weren't looking?
While you weren't looking.
I was looking at tchotchkes.
Wow, it's breathtaking.
I've never seen anything like it.
The Earth, the water, the air.
It's like everything working together in harmony
to create the truest and purest form of life
and it's just so beautiful.
And you feel nothing?
Nope.
Not a thing.
You know, I think I like nature a lot better in theory.
Bermuda. hah!
I'm not sure the sewer is transatlantic.
No.
My proof that I'm fun.
15 years ago in Bermuda, I was fun with you four times then
two more times and the river.
Splash and bam.
Nope. Doesn't counts.
Oh?
Why not?
Because you never did it again and now
you've depressed me by making me remember
actively sucking the fun away.
And that's the last act of sucking you'll ever get.
Phrasing.
Obviously.