Hooray, the day has finally arrived! Disney Plus is here, the fabled Disney vault of content
at last made available to the unwashed masses.
But you don't care about singing crabs or glass slippers or thinly veiled monster erotica,
you're here for one single reason: Star Wars.
You gather your friends together and plop down on the couch, excited to finally watch
a real-live Star Wars TV series.
That's right, after decades of teasing it's finally happened, a bonafide Star Wars TV
series featuring all your favorite charac- oh wait, no, not your favorite characters
but instead brand new ones but hey, that's ok, it's Star Wars and even we have to admit,
Star Wars is pretty cool.
So you flip on the first episode of The Mandalorian, and bathe in Star Wars ecstasy.
You can't help but automatically click next episode, and after that, next one as well
please!
It's about halfway through the fourth episode that it hits you though... w-t-f (actually
say the letters) is going on here?
No, really, what in Admiral Ackbar's name is actually going on in this show because
you're really not sure.
There's a guy who's kinda cool but also basically a huge stereotype running around with a child
and... well, it's not really clear why.
Like at all.
Also, a lot of the things that happen in the plot just seem kind of... well, dumb.
Steal a baby the former empire and an entire intergalactic bounty hunter's guild is chasing?
Perfectly ok to leave it unsupervised with some strange mechanic for two days!
You turn to your friends, you need to ask them - is this show actually good or are you
just sort of being dazed by the glitz of Star Wars, and the euphoria of having another Star
Wars thing to watch?
Does this show make any sense... is it... good?
That's when your friends slowly turn to face you, their eyes wide and pupils dilated in
sheer ecstasy.
There's... something wrong with them, something vaguely zombie-like about their demeanor.
Why are you questioning the Star Wars?
Why are you not enjoying the Star Wars?
Sit down, watch the Star Wars with us...
You feel a slow, creeping chill settle in your spine, working its way up towards your
heart.
There's something seriously wrong with your former friends, and you watch in horror as
they turn their eyes back to the tv screen, emitting a squeal of delight- and then you
spot him.
There on the tv screen, adorably holding a bowl full of soup.
It's the baby Yoda, giant adorable eyes and big stupid ears with an oversized robe that
he doesn't really fit him.
It's him you realize, he's to blame.
Your friends, your family, the entire world has fallen into the grip of the Baby Yoda's
adorableness.
And now, nobody cares how badly written this tv show is, all that matters is Baby Yoda.
All that matters is Baby Yoda merchandise- dolls, stickers, posters, memes...
Baby Yoda is love, Baby Yoda is life.
Not on your watch.
You kick the door to your house down as you storm outside, your mission clear: liberate
the world of this mind-controlling monster, and in the process make people care about
quality television again.
It's time to end the Baby Yoda.
So your friends and family have all fallen under the spell of an adorable CGI fictional
baby creature and now suddenly they're defending an objectively terrible tv show with all the
fury of a Star Wars basement-dwelling fanboi while clamoring for the opportunity to shower
the tv show's developers with millions in merchandising dollars?
How are you going to defeat this insidious threat to good entertainment?
To defeat your enemy, first you must know your enemy.
Baby Yoda has his origins in ancient history, a time known as 1999.
It was the end of the 20th century, Y2K loomed large on the horizon but by now nobody really
took it seriously.
A brand new century lay ahead of us, and mankind could leave all its sins of the last thousand
years behind, wiping the slate clean and starting all over again.
We could live in peace and harmony, all races, sexes, and sexual orientations united for
the betterment of all mankind.
And then George Lucas struck.
The date is May 19th, 1999, and in theaters across the United States the first Star Wars
film in nearly two decades is finally upon us.
Millions of people flock to movie theaters from coast to coast, excited to see the origin
of the original trilogy as they file in to watch Star Wars Episode I.
As audiences watch in horror though, it appears.
A tall, shambling humanoid figure rendered in less-than-convincing CGI.
He has huge ears that fall flat behind his head, and speckled, inhuman gold eyes on stalks.
His face looks like an ancient herbivore dinosaur, and he has terrifyingly human-like teeth.
The beast opens its mouth, children scream, women faint.
“Mee'sa Jar-Jar Binks!”
You leave the theater, scared, confused, unsure of what you just watched happen in front of
your very own eyes.
Startled you spot the monstrous figure again, it's there on a poster outside a toy shop.
Wait, was that poster even there just two and a half hours ago?
No, you're sure of it, but behind the poster there's more, there's.... action figures.
Collectible figures.
Puzzles.
Shampoo.
All of it adorned with the hideous monster's visage!
It's only been two and a half hours and already the world is saturated with Jar-Jar Binks
merchandise.
Somewhere in a high ivory tower inside Skywalker ranch, thunder crashes as George Lucas watches
the world below, his creation slowly sweeping around the world.
A lightning bolt roars as Lucas breaks out into evil laughter- after all these years,
his plan is complete.
He's made a horrible character that nobody likes in order to make millions and millions
of dollars in merchandising, and all he had to sacrifice in return was his soul, and the
artistic integrity of his films.
But though Binks would go on to make Lucas an even more rich man through merchandise
sales, eventually the world would catch on and say enough is enough, we're done buying
Jar Jar Binks lunchboxes and backpacks and toothpaste, we demand better from our beloved
Star Wars.
Exposed and vulnerable, Lucas would scurry back into his lair with an evil shriek, vowing
that one day he would return and have his revenge.
One day, all the money would be his.
Just you wait and see.
Fast forward to fall of 2019.
behind the scenes Lucas and Disney have joined forces to become an unstoppable merchandising
conglomerate.
A new Star Wars product has been created, a show targeted to all audiences, and hidden
within its terrible plot and writing, an insidious threat.
This is the product of years of research and testing by Lucasfilm and Disney's best accountants,
advertising executives, and toy designers.
It is the ultimate merchandising opportunity, and this time nobody will dare call it annoying
or racist.
This... is the Baby Yoda.
The Baby Yoda is a member of the famous Yoda's species, and well, that's about all we can
tell you about your opponent because the writers of his tv show thought that you literally
needed to know nothing else about him.
We believe Baby Yoda is a he, although it could very well be a she because we don't
even know that much about him/her/it.
What we do know is that it's a force-sensitive, like the two previous 'Yoda characters' in
the Star Wars universe we've seen before.
As we do get to briefly see though, Baby Yoda's force powers are strong, but as an infant
not quite developed.
Why was the Baby Yoda being hunted by the empire?
Where did he come from originally?
Why would a grizzled bounty hunter threaten the safety and financial welfare of his tribe
by making an enemy out of the intergalactic bounty hunter's guild in order to rescue him?
Who changes his diapers?
These are questions we know nothing about, because for some strange reasons the veteran
writers behind The Mandalorian apparently forgot literally every lesson of screenwriting
when they penned the tv show's first season.
What we do know though is that along with having some mildly developed force powers,
the Baby Yoda seems to possess the peculiar power of mass suggestion.
In essence, this creature is somehow able to funnel its physical adorableness into a
telepathic suggestion that affects millions of TV viewers simultaneously, making them
forget that the plot of his tv show makes no sense and appears to be written by first-year
screenwriting students.
Perhaps this is some extension of his ability to manipulate the Force itself in order to
make people care about a bad TV show and be willing to spend all their money on Star Wars
merchandise featuring his adorable little face.
Whatever his power, it's clear that the only way you're going to snap people out of this
telepathic trance is going to be to kill the Baby Yoda- which admittedly he's a tiny infant
and should be really easy.
There's just one obstacle in your way, and that's The Mandalorian himself, super-creatively
called, Mando.
Mando is a formidable opponent, and is fiercely protective of the Baby Yoda.
Why this is though is a bit of a mystery, as we're supposed to believe that a single
flashback to his own childhood trauma was enough to make him turn his back on an entire
intergalactic bounty hunter's guild, threaten the survival of his tribe which is already
on the edge of extinction, and place the greatest bounty in the sector firmly on his own head.
This strange, completely irrational behavior is perhaps further evidence of Baby Yoda's
ability to telepathically manipulate people.
Mando is a very skilled gunslinger, as befits a grizzled bounty hunter, and along with a
blaster pistol and rifle that literally turns his foes to dust, he packs probably his greatest
asset: his Beskar armor.
Because the TV show didn't bother to explain this, we'll gladly do Lucasfilm's job here
and clue you in on the awesome properties of this amazing armor.
Firstly, Beskar is hugely important to Mandalorian culture, something which you know, any normal
tv show should've probably mentioned.
It was designed after the Mandalorians encountered the Jedi Knights, and is the only armor known
to withstand the mighty Jedi lightsaber.
Again, that's probably something that's insanely cool and would've been fun for the audience
to know.
You're welcome, Lucasfilm, we'll gladly accept a co-writer's credit now.
Beskar is incredibly rare though, especially after the Great Purge brought about by the
now defunct Empire which saw many Mandalorians killed or driven into hiding.
Able to stand up to light sabers and laser blasters, it's going to keep Mando pretty
safe from any attack- though for some reason literally every character in Star Wars keeps
trying to punch him in the face while he's wearing a helmet made of the stuff.
Need to know why that's a dumb idea?
Go punch tank armor as hard as you can and let us know how many broken bones you've suffered.
Now luckily for you, Mando may be a mighty warrior, but he's pretty dumb about... well
most everything else.
I mean he's the same guy who left the most important baby in the galaxy in the care of
a stranger he just met- for two whole days!
Not even Casey Anthony is that neglectful with children.
Mando is also the same guy that when he had to take down an imperial walker and band of
raiders, decided to have villagers dig a big pit and then have them fight the raiders with
wooden spears- even though the entire time he had at his disposal a freaking starship
armed with laser cannons.
I guess what we're saying here is that Mando's not really the brightest bulb in the shed.
He's a great shot, don't get us wrong, but he's about as sharp as a hammer.
So to defeat him, we don't know, just about any old trick should do really.
Buy a Baby Yoda doll and stuff it with C-4, then have it go off when Mando picks it up.
Stiff armor is pretty bad about protecting from the compressive forces of a concussive
blast, so even in Beskar armor the C-4 blast will turn his bones to jelly.
Now there's nothing between you and the Baby Yoda- except for of course the millions of
adoring fans who will do anything to stop you from destroying their precious, and will
defend the tv show with their last breath completely ignoring that it is just... objectively
bad, bland, and makes no sense.
Maybe try showing them the original trilogy, point out that sure the storylines are a bit
derivative but the plot makes sense, the movie informs the audience about characters and
plot in a timely and entertaining manner, and the characters themselves aren't just
one-dimensional stereotypes- they're real, breathing people with nuanced attitudes and
beliefs!
Of course, the Force- or at least Lucasfilm and Disney's advertising and merchandising
department- is strong with the Baby Yoda, and it's likely that this will do nothing
except enrage millions of Baby Yoda-ites who will defend him with their dying breath.
To defeat the Baby Yoda you're going to have to ask yourself the question: are you willing
to fight your friends, your neighbors, even your own family to the death in order to end
George Lucas' latest scourge on humanity?
To what lengths are you willing to go to restore Star Wars to the glory of good writing, stories
that make sense, and characters who don’t exist simply for the opportunity to sell toys
and stuffed dolls of them?
How far are you willing to go, and most importantly: can Star Wars be saved from its own creators?
You may in the end defeat the Baby Yoda and force humanity to awake from its stupor, but
Lucas will only grow stronger for it, enriched by millions- perhaps billions in merchandising
sales.
In a few years, there will be a new Baby Yoda, this one taking an even more adorable and
merchandising-friendly form, and the cycle will inevitably repeat itself all over again,
getting progressively crappier and crappier as time goes on.
See, to defeat the Baby Yoda, you must defeat his father: George Lucas himself.
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