(calm music) (keyboard clicking)
- Can you get struck by lightning
while sitting on the toilet?
100%, and here's how.
Thunderstorms are composed of weather, drums, and lightning.
Meteorologists say the odds of getting struck by lightning
are roughly .00014%,
but are you really gonna trust meteorologists?
They think a sun wears glasses.
Joining me today is professor of lightning
and amateur flutist, Caleb City.
- I love what you've done with the place.
- Thank you, finally someone has noticed.
Let's say you're sitting on a toilet,
and it's a beauty.
Stainless steel,
it's shiny, it's sleek (gently chimes)
and non-stick, which is important because you have
an anal rectal malformation. (fruit squishes)
Happens to one in every 5000 anuses, and causes you
to take sprinkler-like dumps (water slops)
that only splatter on the sides of the bowl,
never down in the whole.
Which is why you've invested in a steel toilet.
Easy clean-up.
- What you didn't think about
is the fact that steel
is an excellent conductor of electricity,
so when lightning inevitably
strikes your house, (thunder crashes)
the electricity passes (electricity crackles)
through the metal pipes right into your steel toilet.
- Dump, flush--
- Zap.
- You just got struck by lightning
while sitting on the toilet.
Let's say you don't have the money for a steel toilet.
Spent it all o n getting your anus
un-malformed. (klaxon blares)
- [Caleb] So, you went for the budget porcelain toilet,
which is great because porcelain is not a conductor
of electricity.
- But sodium is, and your piss is full of it.
You just went to dinner at a seafood restaurant,
got the shrimp cocktail.
It's BOGO shrimp night, so you have 12 servings.
Only problem is the shrimp they served you
wasn't fresh, it was frozen.
Most restaurants lie
about their seafood. (man shushes)
The tuna is full of mercury, and the calamari
is actually pig anus, 100% confirmed.
And your serving of frozen shrimp
contains 4800 milligrams of sodium,
210% of the recommended daily intake.
You finally get home after being stuck
in bumper to bumper traffic. (horns honk)
Everyone's trying to get home before the storm hit.
You rush to your bathroom,
sit down, (fly unzips)
most men do, it's fine, you have nothing to prove.
- You're a king
on your porcelain throne. (urine splashes)
You don't even here the storm
over your geyser of salty piss.
Lighting strikes your house, (thunder crashes)
sending electricity through the pipes
and into the sodium-rich urine
currently connected (electricity crackles)
to your penis.
Your willy just got zapped while sitting on the toilet.
Let's say you never use indoor toilets.
Instead, you use outhouses.
Spend your life on the road, from outhouse to outhouse.
You join a band of merry travelers, adopt their culture
and way of life.
- You start wearing scarves, bangles,
get the tip of your penis pierced.
One night, during a storm, (rain falls)
you rush to pee in a wooden outhouse.
You're safe, wood does not conduct electricity,
but it does warp in response to temperature and rain.
Which means the wooden hasp
no longer fits into the wooden loop,
making it impossible to latch your outhouse door.
The wind swings it wide open (door creaks)
while you're mid-piss,
pants at your ankles, metal ring dangling
from the tip of your dongle.
You're a pissing, sitting duck (electricity zaps)
and you're undercarriage just got scorched
from sitting on the toilet.
Let's say you're done with bathrooms.
You're not taking any chances.
From now on,
you go to the bathroom in jars (poop squelches)
and keep it in the fridge.
And you move to California, no thunderstorms.
You become the talk of the town.
- Everyone wants to meet the man
who refuses to poop in a toilet, including movie producers.
They swarm your house, tell you they'll pay you millions
for your life story, and you sign away all your rights.
They keep their promises, and make you a millionaire.
But now, you're so famous, (crowd cheers)
you can't leave your house.
You develop a drinking habit, spend all your days
drinking Moscow mules out of authentic copper mugs.
- One night, you're outside on your balcony.
You decide to take a dump in your copper mug.
You have tons of them of all different sizes,
and this one is huge.
You squat just as an earthquake erupts.
It is California, and what the realtor didn't tell you
is earthquakes also produce lightning.
They're called quake lights,
which is why your wangle
just got singed (electricity buzzes)
because you used your copper mug as a toilet.
- Let's say you're done being above ground.
It's too dangerous.
At any point, you could be struck
by lightning. (electricity buzzes)
You move into a bunker deep underground.
You put up wall-to-wall shag carpeting for warmth,
and a retro '70s vibe.
You get a roommate.
Maintaining a life underground is safe, but lonely.
- [Natasha] You put an ad online.
A lady responds who's been looking to live underground
'cause spiders keep laying eggs under her skin.
As you're changing, she sees your lightning scar.
Happens to about 10% of people
who get struck by lightining.
They're called Lichtenbergs
after physicist and German roast comic,
Christoph Lichtenberg. (cymbal rings)
She runs her fingers over it, says it's beautiful,
that you're beautiful.
You fall in love.
You spend your days having meaningful conversations
and your nights making passionate woohoo.
You both reach climax
simultaneously. (groans)
Your sexual chemistry is electric,
as is your current body chemistry,
because you're covered in static electricity
from the friction created from the hours
your bodies have spend rubbing against the carpet.
- Nice.
(hands clap)
As you sit on your metal toilet,
you can't cover everything in carpet,
the negative electrons sitting on your skin
rush to the positive electrons on the metal conductor,
creating a flash of heat and light.
Now, you're the lightning bolt,
and you just struck yourself
while sitting on the toilet.
- So yes, you can get struck by lightning
while sitting on the toilet.
It's just a matter of when and how.
I'm Natasha Vaynblat.
- And I'm Caleb City.
- And your worst fear has been confirmed.
- Have you ever been electrocuted?
- Metaphorically, yes.
You?
- No.
And I'm a professor of lightning.
(gentle music)
(shrill flute music) (keyboard clicks)
- [Man] All right I get it. (laughter)
- [Second Man] God, I just didn't want to stop it.
I didn't--
(upbeat music)