- I do think golden microphones make me rap better.
(audience laughing)
- Next ones. We're gonna get suggestions from you.
Anything that you wanna rap about?
We'll start with this side of the room.
Anyone doesn't matter?
- [Audience Member] Pubes flossing.
- Did you say flossing?
- [Audience Member] Pubes flossing.
- Pubes flossing.
(audience laughing)
- Okay. So you mean using pubes to floss, right? Yeah.
- [Audience Member] Yeah.
- That's quite resourceful, guys.
I don't know why we're laughing, eh?
(audience laughing)
Pube flossing.
Is that just something you've made up or is it
something that you are like trying to get to catch on?
- [Audience Member] Been thinking about it for a while.
- You've been thinking about it for a while, really?
(audience laughing)
Because you were quite quick with it.
I was like, well this actually, like- It's my time to shine.
(singing) Pubes flossing.
Pubes, flossing. I like it. Um...
Do you have a particular color of pube
that you want us to...?
Salt and pepper, ginger, who knows?
Right, okay. Pube flossing.
Let's come to middle of the room
and there's a hand up there. Yes.
- [Audience Member] Carthage Delenda Est
- Okay. Can someone with an English accent
say what he just said?
- [Audience Member] It's Latin.
- It's Latin for what?
- [Audience Member] Carthage must be destroyed.
- Oh, fuck! Oh, I wish I'd actually got you to...
Because that was fucking...
Oh, fuck. I literally was talking to my wife
about this about a week ago.
Why did you all laugh?
How did you all know that?
Has that been a thing that's been brought up recently?
No, okay? Because it's from a Carthaginian peace
which is where you inflict such a horrible
defeat upon your enemy.
Like Carthage had to ask Rome for permission
to wage war. Didn't they?
What was the name of the senator who said it?
- [Audience Member] Cato, the Elder.
- Cato the Elder. I fucking...I fucking hate myself now.
(audience laughing)
Um, this side of the room, suggestion?
Not as hard as that one, though.
- [Audience Member] Scurryfunge.
- Something... did you say strawberry fudge?
Is that what you said?
Or did you say something like tax refund?
It was just hard for me to hear.
- [Audience Member] Scurryfunge.
- Scurry.
- [Audience Member] Scurryfunging.
- Again. Like I think...
- [Audience Member] It's when you hastily
have tidy up your house when an unexpected
guest arrives last minute.
- Okay, tidy up your house in a hurry,
because you've got guests,
Carthage must be destroyed. Pube Flossing.
So far, these are actually pretty good. Well done.
(audience laughing)
I mean it's taken twice as long as it should do,
but this side of the room let's get another suggestion.
Is that hand up? Yeah.
- [Audience Member] Yeah. Insure,... (clears throat)
Sorry. Insurance premium on the left testicle
of Boris Johnson.
(audience laughing)
- Okay. What what what? What happened to his
(audience laughing)
Has there been breaking news?
Insurance premium on Boris Johnson's left testicle.
And then let's... we'll come back
to the middle for this one. Yeah. Hand up there.
- [Audience Member] Mexican standoff during colonoscopy.
(audience laughing)
- A Mexican standoff during a colonoscopy.
Okay. Okay, so who's the third person in the room?
I guess the anesthetist, right?
Because you would be...
You are anesthetized for a colonoscopy, I presume.
I mean, you know, you don't have to be,
if you like it. It just does sound like it's quite painful.
Okay. Scurryfunge, Carthage must be destroyed.
pube flossing. Boris Johnson left testicle
insurance premium. Mexican stand off during a colonoscopy.
For those of you...I don't know if you know what that means.
That's like when you've got all your guns...
pointing each other, like eh reservoir dogs.
(audience murmuring)
- Cool. Great. Okay, cool.
This is...these are good suggestions.
Well, I'll do my best to do justice to them.
If any of this rap is shit
it was inspired by you so it's your fault.
(audience laughing)
(rap beat begins)
Let's have some fun with it.
Yeah. It's gonna be good.
(beat continues)
♪ Oh yeah. I'm jiggin'. I'm jiggin'. ♪
♪ My guy wise in the roll with the front heat chatting' ♪
♪ and we wrapping in a different language. ♪
♪ That's Latin. Back in the days, I went for sure. ♪
♪ Cato the Elder says to emperors ♪
♪ and those guys in the Senate don't be offended, ♪
♪ but Carthage must be crushed; we must end it. ♪
♪ Burn it to ash, to rubble, because all the Carthaginians ♪
♪ they give us trouble. ♪
♪ Or maybe Carth-Asians. I'm not so sure. ♪
♪ They were over there in Rome trying to wage a war. ♪
♪ I think defeated a trio of times ♪
♪ three times crushed on the Roman sandals like mine. ♪
♪ They'd be back in the day. Not easy. ♪
♪ You can see the Romans there with the BC, ♪
♪ maybe with the ED. ♪
♪ It's a mystery. I mean AD not ED. ♪
♪ I stick to these that's erectile dysfunction. ♪
♪ I had a big luncheon, and now I feel food ♪
♪ in my teeth crunching. ♪
♪ I try and get it out. ♪
♪ But I am at a loss. ♪
♪ I'm in the bathroom cabinet, no floss. ♪
♪ Where's it gone? ♪
♪ The cupboard there is bare. ♪
♪ I looked down to my underwear and there's hair. ♪
♪ I'm of the age that I can use this ♪
♪ plucking out those hair that are pubic ♪
♪ much better than a toothpick. When I scratch ♪
♪ people think it's so gross that they start to wretch. ♪
♪ But no, it helps me. I should really warn, ♪
♪ I always get stuck between my teeth popcorn. ♪
♪ So I pop it out and what do I use? ♪
♪ Doesn't matter where this black, brown, or ginger pubes. ♪
♪ But if you've got none down ♪
♪ below that maybe you going through the chemo therapy ♪
♪ and you can get the testicular cancer. ♪
♪ Boris Johnson insurance clients got the answer. ♪
♪ He walks in. He says, ♪
♪ can you see them? ♪
♪ I've got silly hair. ♪
♪ My insurance premiums are so high. ♪
♪ Oh yes I be finished it. ♪
♪ I used to be the Prime Minister and number 10 ♪
♪ but now and again, I'd go out, have sex with many women. ♪
♪ How many children have I got, eight or nine? ♪
♪ I use all of the sperm that's deep inside ♪
♪ my left testicle. The right ones so fucked. ♪
♪ Oh, I think of Maggy Thatcher, it goes up ♪
♪ and I erupt. I'm a conservative. ♪
♪ I need to pay lots of cash and preservative. ♪
♪ Make sure I can put my penis in their cuts. ♪
♪ How much do I pay? A hundred pounds a month. ♪
♪ That's the premium that he uses. It's easier. ♪
♪ Guy at the back person comes over, sees you. ♪
♪ I'm like, oh shit, it's such a mess. ♪
♪ I've got to run around my house and get dressed. ♪
♪ I'm looking over here. I like to scour the oven hood. ♪
♪ What we call this? Scurryfunge. ♪
♪ Scurryfunge, I don't even know. ♪
♪ It's a word that you made ♪
♪ up you were like, yo no, it's a Dutch word. ♪
♪ Everybody says. Scurryfunge. ♪
♪ Funny from the side of your head, it so enjoyable. ♪
♪ You're cleaning your house. ♪
♪ Hard to do with your words ♪
♪ there in your mouth. ♪
♪ Is this action good? I don't even know, ♪
♪ but you're enjoying it. ♪
♪ Like yes, here at the show. ♪
♪ Last thing, that we need to do, ♪
♪ We did the balls ♪
♪ and the pubes that we took from you. ♪
♪ Again, remind me what it was. ♪
♪ It's got...Oh yes, of course. ♪
♪ How can we forget? ♪
♪ I'm there the little proctologist he says, yes, Chris. ♪
♪ I know that your one wish is ♪
♪ for me to examine inside your duodenum. ♪
♪ Look at your appendix. Now that I have seen them. ♪
♪ In comes a fucking' burglar for sure. ♪
♪ He kicks down the window. He breaks down the door. ♪
♪ He pulls out a shotgun, sawn off on the tip. ♪
♪ And I'm like, careful doc don't slip. ♪
♪ And I whip out just a handful of poo. ♪
♪ I hurl it at the man, his face goes blue. ♪
♪ The doctor's got the probe with the shit ♪
♪ upon the end and the other one, ♪
♪ ahh a scalpel. It depends. ♪
♪ There we go. ♪
♪ And afterwards we clean our hands off ♪
♪ and that's the colonoscopy, the Mexican standoff. ♪
(audience clapping, cheering)