Are you ready to give up on dating men?
Because you've tried every strategy out there and no matter what you do
or what you try, it just seems like there are no good men out there?
Well, I totally understand and I'm here to help.
Let's talk about the simple secret to attracting good men
and how to avoid the bad ones.
[music]
Hi there, Mat Shaffer, your empowerment, connection, and relationship coach here.
I'm a former attorney who's committed his life to supporting you and
creating the sort of fun, fulfilling connections and relationships with
men that you are so worthy of and really excited about this topic.
I'm going to share with you a simple secret that's going to help you
connect with great men, much easier than the things you've tried in the past,
and also help you weed out the man that you most definitely do
not want to be in relationship with.
All right, we're going to dive into that in just a second.
Before we do take a second hit that little subscribe button, and
don't forget to click that little link in the comments and caption.
I created a great training that I know is really going to help you in your
relationships and connections with men.
Let's dig into this, but before I share my tip on how to attract the right kind of men to you,
let's talk about what you may be doing that may not be working.
One of the most popular dating strategies that I see being used and taught out
there in the world is leaning back.
Have you heard of it?
You probably have, because a lot of coaches out there are sharing
it and teaching it in various ways.
I want to share with you not just as a coach, but as a man,
why it may not be a good idea.
The definition of leaning back for those of you who haven't heard of it
is for you as the feminine energy in the relationship to not be
the initiator under any circumstances.
You want to be allowing the man to always initiate all contact with you,
all dates with you, all communication with you.
It is not your job to ever be the initiator, you are always leaning back.
Especially in early stages of dating, a lot of coaches are really pushing
this as the dominant strategy that you should be using.
The reasoning that they have around that is
that it demonstrates high value and it creates
space for men to step up and step in and gives them a challenge to overcome.
While in theory, I do understand this, and I do recognize that it may have
some value as part of your strategy.
I, as a man and a coach, have to share some really big dangers of leaning back
that are very important for you to understand before you adopt
it as your primary dating strategy.
First off, leaning back disqualifies lots of great guys because of a very
real phenomenon called approach anxiety.
Lots of men, especially high-quality men have a very deep fear of rejection.
This is a real thing that all men, including myself,
deal with on a daily basis.
That's right ladies, fear of rejection causes many men, especially great men
to talk themselves out of approaching women that they're attracted to
and that they want to get to know.
When you are leaning back, you are giving these men a very
good reason to not approach.
If you are withholding attention, if you are not allowing yourself to
connect with men and you're in that state of leaning back, you're giving
men a very valid justification to not risk rejection and approach you.
To turn this into a little math problem, his approach anxiety,
plus your leaning back equals no connection happening because he's
going to talk himself out of it.
The second reason that you might want to think twice about using leaning back
as your primary dating strategy is that when we make ourselves an island
when you put up walls, pull back and create a lot of space that men have
to overcome in order to connect with you, a lot of times, we don't just
disqualify the good guys that may be a little intimidated by that or a little
afraid to risk rejection, we also invite in men that have no problem breaching
boundaries or obstacles or anything.
I'm talking about your narcissists, your manipulators, your players,
men that are basically looking to take from you and they're willing
to do and say whatever they have to do in order to get what they want.
This is one of those unintended consequences of this strategy that
I don't think many coaches are talking about, but when we lean
back too far in a calculated way.
Oftentimes the only men that are going to be willing to breach that obstacle
and climb over those walls are men who are looking to take what they want.
This pattern reinforces for women the story that there are no good men
out there, which simply isn't true.
The last danger behind using leaning back as a dating strategy is that
it's really easy to hide behind it because for so many women,
they have a lot of fear around intimacy, around connection, around vulnerability.
It can be really convenient to use the strategy of leaning back and not
allowing ourselves to be open, to connecting with men and initiating
and inviting with men as a way of just checking out and not making ourselves
vulnerable and not doing the uncomfortable work of being open to connection.
That's just three of the many reasons why leaning back doesn't
work as an overall dating strategy.
It has a place in your toolbox, but it isn't something to do all the time because
more often than not, it's just going to lead to you feeling lonely or isolated
or resentful that you're not getting approached by the men that you want or
actively attracting the sort of men that you really don't want to be dating or in a
relationship the takers, the manipulators, the players, the narcissists and so on.
Now that we got that out of the way, what do we get to do instead
as an overall dating strategy?
Well, that's a lot simpler than you may think.
The most important key to connecting with great men is that every time
you come into contact with a man that you're attracted to and that
you want to get to know that you lean forward in a grounded high-value way.
Remember the goal of dating is to foster meaningful connection and see
you want men to be able to recognize that you were open to that connection
and that you're desiring it from them.
The way to do that is by leaning forward in a high-value way.
I'm going to share with you two simple steps to do that.
Step one is playfully initiate communication with him
verbally or non-verbally.
If you're online dating, feel free to send him a first message that asks him
a playful question or has some sort of comment that's tied to a picture or
a share that he makes in his profile.
The key is you want to get him talking into his passions or telling a story.
Those are two very activating initiating responses that you can get from a man.
Your question might be what drew you to extreme hiking?
That's such an interesting sport, or you can make a challenge
statement like there's no way that you hiked those peaks solo.
Tell me the truth.
Remember, there's a lot of noise and low-level shallow conversation
happening in online dating.
By you asking a playful higher value question, that's getting him to speak
into his passions, tell a story, go a little deeper in a challenging
way, you're demonstrating value.
You're leaning forward in activating high-value way because trust me,
when I say leaning back in online, dating with the thousands and millions
of profiles that are out there, it's going to get you to nowhere.
Then if you're out in the world, there are so many opportunities for you to
initiate communication with men in a playful way verbally and non-verbally.
The key is for you to always be looking for ways to demonstrate that you're
open to connection and making powerful, clear invitations for men to overcome
their approach anxiety and just to initiate a deeper connection with you.
How we do that non-verbally is through the most powerful assets that we have,
our eyes, our smile, and our body language.
You can use your smile and eyes as tractor beams to indicate to a man,
I see you, and I'm interested in you.
It's as simple as eye contact and giving him a casual, coy, little playful smile.
By making sure that you are keeping your body open, that you are not closing
your arms, closing your legs, turning your body away from men that you are
looking at to meet and that you're interested in, you're demonstrating
that you are open to connection in a non-verbal way, and you are making a
silent invitation for them to initiate contact and communication with you.
There's so much powerful ways to initiate contact verbally as well.
One of the greatest ways you can do it is just by saying, hi, just a playful
hi and then back it up with your smile and your eyes, that is a clear
initiator of interest and that is a great way for you to lean forward in
a way that isn't giving him too much.
Another great way is by asking for assistance or an opinion.
Men love giving assistance to women and they love giving opinions to anyone.
If you bumped into a man at the grocery store, you could ask him
playfully and casually, "What do you think about these strawberries?
Is it worth buying organic or am I just wasting my money?"
Throw them the ball and give them an opportunity to help you in the making
of a decision and it's going to empower him and it's going to activate him
to keep the conversation going or if you're near a guy at a bar,
you can just turn to him and just ask him, "What do you think about this bar?
Has it been going downhill or is it just me?"
Or any other kind of question that gives him the opportunity to give you
an opinion, just to break that approach, anxiety, tension, barrier that so many
men are coming up against, especially with women that we want to talk to.
Another great time to do this is in the early stages of dating.
If you've been on a date or a couple of dates with a guy, and you haven't heard
from him in a little while, there's no harm in you sending him a text,
asking him how he's doing, just saying hi to him.
Don't be afraid to reinitiate contact.
Maybe he got busy, maybe he has other things going on, don't makeup a story
that he's forgotten about you or that he's dating somebody else,
you really have nothing to lose in the early stages of dating by reinitiating contact.
As long as you don't become determined and keep reaching out to them over and
over and over again, don't be afraid to send him a playful message to try
to restart the dialogue between you.
Stop leaning back so far in the early stages of dating that you're disqualifying
yourself from men who might otherwise be really interested in you if you
just gave them a little reminder.
Once you've completed step one, playfully initiating verbal or non-verbal
communication with a guy, let us time for you to embrace step two,
which is to be engaged, but unattached from the responses that you receive from men.
You got to remember right, that as you're initiating playfully, initiating
in a casual way, verbal and nonverbal communication and connection with men,
they're going to be giving you responses and whatever that response is or isn't
no matter what it is, it's perfect because you're so grounded in your value and
in your worth that you're looking with curiosity at what he's doing and saying
back to you, not outcome dependence.
Nothing he says or does to you has any impact on your understanding
of who you are and the type of a relationship that you want and how
you're showing up in the world.
You're looking at this engagement with this man as practice, as play,
as an opportunity for you to dance in polarity with a man, and these
opportunities are being presented to you everywhere you go throughout your days.
Your job isn't to get fixated or outcome dependent on anyone interaction or
engagement with a man, but for you to be this playful open,
inviting magnetic force in the world with man, and to see and experience
how they show up in response to you.
How they show up in response does not dictate or determine
how you're showing up.
Does that make sense?
Because you recognize that in order to foster connection or relationship with
high value, man, you get to go out into the world, unafraid to connect with them
and to do the dance masculine and feminine polarity with them everywhere you go.
Remember ladies, leaning back is not a dating strategy.
It is one activating tool you can use with men sometimes,
but don't do it all the time.
If you do, it's likely going to leave you isolated and resentful
towards men or attracting lots of the wrong kind of men towards you.
The real key to attracting good men is to lean forward in a grounded high-value way
and that starts by playfully initiating contact verbally or non-verbally.
You can do this online, you can do this at bars or in social situations, and
you can do this at the grocery store.
You can do this anywhere in your life.
Always be looking for opportunities from a space of complete playfulness
and invitation, just start fostering connection with men
and allowing it to be what it is.
The second key is that you are engaged and present in this connection and
communication with men, but you are not outcome-dependent upon it.
You are unattached to the responses that you're getting back or that
you're not getting back from these men because you recognize that this
is a process, this is practice, this is play and every connection you have
with a man is an opportunity for you to look with curiosity on how men
and women connect with each other.
If you're able to follow these steps, you are going to attract high-quality,
high-value men, and you're going to weed out a lot of those takers
and manipulators that I know you've probably been dealing with in your past.
Get out there and have fun, but before you do take a second,
hit that little subscribe button, and don't forget to click that
link in the comments and caption.
I have created a great training that I know is really going to help you in your
connections and relationships with men.
Thanks so much, and I'll see you in the next video.
Bye-bye.