*W'PSH!* Top of the mornin' to ya, laddies! My name is Jacksepticeye~
And welcome back~ I was thinking of Mario Kart in my head.
"And I said Mario Jacksepticeye."
[Irishy] "Osh I'm Jacksepticeye, and welcome back to Mario Kart."
"It's gonna be a grand old time, we're gonna have a fucking..."
"Cracker of a barrel!"
Imagine if I just did a whole episode like that.
The most stereotypical Irish thing that I could possibly do, and everyone'd be like:
[flamboyant] "He sounds exactly the same as always." [giggles]
So, don't know what to do in this episode, I kinda just want to play Mario Kart, for the sake of playing Mario Kart,
Because I love it so much.
Peach, why are you even in this round? Why are you even in the fight?
Aren't you supposed to be off in another castle somewhere?
But she's just like, [squeaky] "Ooh, everything's so pretty!"
"Ooh! I'm killing people!"
'Cause that's basically what it is. You're basically killing people in this game.
I might just do some Grand Prix to warm up, and dick around a bit. Kinda want to do some more Battles.
I've only gotten one of those, so I might try and get all of them.
If I go into my Grand Pricks, as you can see, my trophies are looking *smooch* très magnifique!
All I'm missing is that, uh... fuckin' Crown one;
The Lightning Bolt, Harry Potter's head; the Triforce; and the Leaf Cup.
But I don't know what ones I'm actually gonna do. I'm gonna change up my character though.
I was trying out little Yosher, and he's alright. I do miss my boy [high grunt] WALUIGI!
But I can't really play as him too much, and I can't play as The Dab King, my DK, my boy.
Because everyone's just gonna go deaf, in the next episode if those dabs keep up,
Because those are on fire, and out of control.
Might go back to my little dude.
My little child here. My bouncing little baby boy!
{Toad: "YAA!"} "YAA!"
My little fuckin' Toad-a-tron, 'cause he's the best.
Gonna give him, my little um- my little scootie!
My little Scootie Puff Jr.™
Could give you the caterpillar, 'cause it's cute, and it's adorable, and it really suits you. Look at him.
Aww, my son! Which one do I play? Which one, which one? I finally got the fuckin' Three Stars in that.
I could do Cheese Land and all that jazz again.
But I don't really feel like it, because that level can just [pbbbt!] jog on!
Uh, I might just do something for the shits and giggles, just to fuck someone's day up.
Let's do this.
{selection ping}
Oh, turns out- Turns out I'm fuckin' my own day up! That's what I wanted to do.
'Cause this is gonna be hell. Hell on earth.
{timer dings} Toad, are you ready?
I don't know if you're ready, Toad! {DING!}
OH he's ready! That wasn't that great, though, so we're gonna have to try that again, next time-
I am ALREADY off to an UPROARIOUS START!
...Bitches!
Just straight BITCHES, in this game!
Okay, okay, Okay, OKAY!
Um, not used to the bike, not used to the track.
Not used to playing on a big screen. Not used to suckin' THIS many dicks, all at once!
Other excuses. I'm bad at this game.
Fuck! Maybe if I just squint really hardly, like super far back, It'll be like I'm playing handheld mode.
Haha! Don't need to, bitches! I'm coming back! WAOO!!
Go! My little tiny greasy boy!
That's my- That's the fuckin' Toad I know and love!
Don't fuckin' shell me, Shelby.
Haha, ya fuckin' tried it. Ya tried to get an old greasy one over on the Toad-Meister, didja?
Toad don't like for that, Toad is actually part of the fuckin' mafia. The Toadstool Mafia.
You mess with him, you mess with the bull, you're gonna get the horns!
There we go. That's my boy. Oh, that's my bouncing baby boy. I love him so.
I love him so much. Bowser Jr, you're coming a little too close now. You're like that uncle at Christmas.
It's like, "Uah... You smell like beer! Little too- Little too close there, GEORGE!"
I don't even have an uncle named George.
Maybe I'm living someone else's uncle vicariously.
Bloop! A-bloop!
{victory whistle}
Thanks guys, thanks. That was an easy one. Haha.
You know, sometimes I just yell at the game, because it gives me power. I'm not actually angry.
It's just me, NEEDING to power through. OH YEAH!
{DING!} WAOOO!!!
That's it! Let's go through the fuckin' Bone Dry Desert!
The only thing that's fuckin' Bone Dry around here is everybody else!
Because I am full half-mast right now!
So what really should happen is, I should probably go away, you know, and look up the time trials for these maps.
Practice it, come back, and then do it. I mean, I could just do it now, and like, do awesome shit,
"A new version of Malware Bites is ready"? I don't- I'm in the middle of a fuckin' GAME here!
Can't just be tellin' me to update my softwares!
Oh, the drifts. The drifts are the shits on this one.
Motherfucker!
You're fuckin' beepin' your horn at me? What is this?! You're fuckin' gettin' ready for mass on a Sunday?
Oh, don't you be fuckin' beepin' at me!
MOTHER APE-ASS!
Oh god, is this the off ramp? Is this the turn off to Ikea?
I need a new Vlikloingder!
Is this it? I don't know!
Fuckin' damn yutes!
TELL ME!
Okay.
Ho-ho!
Not the best at the old drift-a-tronios on this one.
D- Oh, get close, Koopa. Get close, and I'll teach- I'll show you what paradise is really like!
Could I have some fuckin' mushrooms? Toad, just eat the one that's on your head!
Oh god, oh god, I fucked it up.
I didn't realize that the ones that spun around you, you can't hold behind you, because they're already behind you.
Oh, I just wasted a red shell.
Fuck! Get your speed up, mang.
Okay.
There we go. (x3)
Sometimes slowing down, is the best.
Sometimes "Speed is key" means slowing down a little.
OTHERWISE it just means FUCK YOU!
{victory whistle} Pain... Pain and suffering. Pain. Suffering. Agony!
Death! I want it. I want murder! I want murder upon video game characters!
Oh, I'm still in first, whatever. Look at Larry fuckin' smilin' at me.
Oh, permanent smile on your face, because your teeth don't go back in your mouth?
It's fine, I didn't wanna win that one. This is the one I really wanna win.
{timer dings} This is the real one.
{DING!} HOOWAHOO!!!
Link!
Get back here! Zelda's not here! She's somewhere else!
Wait, what is with all you guys and, like, saving princesses?
Who threw that Green Shell that just grazed my taint?!
I'm smelling singed hairs right now.
{Toad screams} {explosion}
It's okay, haha. I didn't want my self esteem to be high today anyway.
I was feelin' a little too smug when I woke up this mornin'.
So I was like, "Ah, yeah, take it down a notch. This is too much."
Try and hit me. (x2)
Yeah that's right. Bananas for days.
Fuckin' traded Dab King's wardrobe for these.
Watch this. WAAHEOOW!
{victory whistle} Now Toad, Toad, we're gonna hafta have a discussion. Why couldn't you do that last time?
Oh, 'cause "I'm" controlling him? Suddenly "I" have all the control?
...Yeah, you're right, but, I don't want to admit that, so I'm just gonna blame Toad.
When he does great, he's my boy. When he does bad, he needs to be set on fire.
Ohh, but THIS ONE is the RAINBOW ROAD! {timer dings}
{DING!} This is baaad...
This is SO bad!
I'm gonna die.
Oh shit, he has a nanner!
I didn't see that. How am I supposed to see that with my special eyes?
AH-haha-haha!
This bike! Methinks she's not a good one! Ah god, there's something on my neck. Was there a spider on my neck?
I felt something crawl. OH! Maybe it was the shame of defeat!
That's a lot of fuckin' Toad Bros. I got a lotta Toady Boys right now!
Okay, I'm not using any of them, because boosts on this map is just a- A quicker way to death!
Ohhh... I don't even have words.
Words fail me for the first time in my life.
[sad laugh]
Fuck! This bike doesn't turn very quick. Oh no~
That was the problem. That was my problem all along. It was the BIKE, guys.
It wasn't my total lack of competence.
Hey, I'm in first! This bike's awesome! Also doesn't help when the fuckin' track, induces vomiting!
Huahh, I don't even know what's happening. Here we go, watch, boost-a-rama.
WAA-hoo-hoo-hoo!
FUCK!
I'M sorry, but can SOME of you, just fall off this track, and never come back? Ah, Toad, Toad, Toad!
Will ya fuckin' hold on a minute, Toad?!
What are you tryin' to do? Are you trying to go fuckin' supernova? You tryna go to space?!
I don't know what you're tryna do, Toad, you're tryna fuckin' mess with my jimmies!
{victory whistle} [controller clunks]
It's okay. It's okay- I'm just gonna be over here- I'll be over here in Shame Town.
This is Shame Town over here- Right here. Shame Town.
Jackaboy Land.
{happy jazz music}
[sobbing]
Oh yay, I won the cup anyway... Joint s- Joint first?
Does that even really count? A draw?
Why didn't you just draw dicks on your face, Larry? Okay, well that was fun. [laughs]
Despite me yelling at everything, I just have fun playing this game, regardless. So I'm gonna go in and do a battle.
I don't know who to pick this time. I might just stick with my little bulbous boy here.
{Toad: "YAA!"} "YAA!"
My little happy boy, my little happy bean!
Um... I need something here with not too much acceleration, but a lot of grip and handling.
You have that stuff.
Because speed is not really a factor in this one.
I mean, it'll be- it's great if I can get all, but okay, I think I'm gonna go with this one.
It suits ya anyway, Toad. Lookatcha!
You're so cute! Ya goin' on safari? Ya goin' on safari, Toad?
I think you are! I think someone's goin' on safari.
"Balloon Battle," "Renegade Roundup," "Bob-omb Blast."
Did I do the Bob-omb blast? I don't know if I did. "Coin Runners."
Don't really wanna do that. "Shine Thief." YOU can suck a fart outta my arse, because that sucked.
Balloon Battles aren't that bad. I might do Balloon Battles. Might make me feel good about myself.
[announcer] "Ladies and gentlemen! Gather 'round! Gather 'round!"
"It's time to kick some LUNAR ASS!" {timer dings}
{DING!} WAOO!!
Here we go. Be the balloon, Toad. Oh god, you float here!
Everything floats down here.
This is awesome! I've never played the moon map! Can I be a moon man?
I'd like that. I'd like to be a moon man for a day.
Hup!
Fuckin' jumped over his head! That was cool! "YAHOO!" I'm not hittin' anybody yet, though.
Just gonna fire and hope for the best. KOBE! Fuck you, dude.
Okay, you know what I'll do? Like THAT! Put it around the things! Solid. Strategery.
Somebody HAS to walk into them there.
HE did NOT hit me!
OHHH!
That's it, that's it, that's it! Fuck y'all! There we go, I hit Metal Mario!
[evil laugh] Hit him in his fuckin' metal ass!
Okay, I need to just get a small bit ahead of you. And then throw that behind me.
You always hit someone with the Bob-ombs. HEY! HEY!
I'm gonna hafta ask you all to stop, your bullshit! Excuse me, stop!
I didn't hit anyone with a Bob-omb that time. Our world is a lie!
WOO-hahaha!
OW! Hit someone. Hit fuckin' someone. Hit anybody. I hate when I'm not the one winning. There we go!
[laughs] I'm on five now. Ohh, I almost ran into that.
Hah!
That's gonna hit someone. That's gonna hit someone! Gonna hit someone again! Fuck YES!
How's it feel, Baby Peach? How does it feel? Was that Peach or was that Daisy? I have no idea.
Hoo! Hahaha! Oh! The crossfire, is too good!
Gimme them good items. I love the fuckin' Boomerang.
[Italian] "NO! Metal Mario!"
"You Metal-A-Suck!"
I only have one life left. I need to be careful. Yes, that's gonna hit someone!
{Bwng!}
I got 9! I got 9! Bowser Jr hit me! I'm puttin' him up for adoption!
Wait, I can come back- I didn't wanna LOSE points!
{whistle}
I was fine, having 9 points! And just exiting the round!
You didn't have to bring me back and give me 3 more!
I was on 9! They were like, "Ohh, he's out? Oh, we should probably bring him back, give him more balloons and bring him down to 4."
No thanks! We're playing Wuhu Town. No- I don't care! We're playing it.
Because this is where I feel Toad belongs.
The "wahoo!" {DING!}
You know, maybe that's Mario. I dunno, they're all the fuckin' same.
Okay, let's chase this one. Ohhh-HA!
Fuck. That's not good.
Get 'em! (x4)
That's not get- I almost got myself. Haha! I hit Baby Peach.
...Metal Mario...
If there was ever a son of a bitch, it was you. Let's see if I can do something here.
HA, that counts as a hit! Fire them all behind me and be done with it!
Bound to hit someone, bound to hit someone with that. Is someone coming this way? Hello?
Get someone, get someone. You have too many fuckin' shells around you. That's too many shells for a single person to have!
[to music] My life is ag-o-ny, ag-o-ny, agony!
Okay, we're doin' okay. We have 5.
And I still have a shit ton of lives left. Did he just go invisible?!
LINK!
He IS invisible!
How'd he do that?!
He has a lot of fuckin' bananas, though!
TOO many bananas for one person!
I don't like you guys. You're not coming to my birthday! Stop givin' me mushrooms!
Does it look like I need mushrooms? I've one for a fuckin' head!
Hah! There we go, there we go.
{whistle}
Is 5 good enough? 5 is not good enough.
5 is good enough if you want 4th. Gonna try Luigi's Mansion, because, as the way I see it, Toad and Luigi are like,
You know? So that's gonna work. It's gonna work, it's gonna- it's gonna be the best. {DING!}
The music's awesome in here!
{fast spooky music}
["woo"s to music]
God, that scared me! That's cool, we'll just drive in circles then, and say hi to each other on the way around!
I hit MYSELF.
That's how bad I am!
Haven't even SEEN anyone in 4 weeks!
Pretty sure I'm dead.
[nervous laugh] I fuckin' died. [accepting laugh] Ohh no...
The saddest number is one.
Fuck you. And uh, fuck you! Okay, gettin' back into the groovy groove. I can't fuckin' GET anyone in time! There we go!
WAA!
{whistle}
4! 4! 4 is the number that I don't want! The Villager got 9!
[derpy] "4 for 4th! That's gotta mean somethin'!"
Nope! This is it.
Can you feel that? I'm startin' a fire on my lip. This is it, the Battle Course.
{DING!} This is easy, this one is super easy. You just stay in the fuckin' middle!
Hup! Fire, just fire shit around. WHAT AM I DOIN'? WHY AM I FLYING?! HEYyy, I hit some fuckers!
"A-WAHOO!"
I'm ready for it. (x4)
N- I wasn't ready for it. I fuckin' was! Oh I'm in first!
That's great news for me! See the little crown on my head?
That's very good, everybody. I shoulda just played this course a billion times.
Don't drop that fuckin' bomb near me. We're runnin' outta time. Fuck!
I hate them. I hate them, I hate them with every fiber in my being.
I'm gonna end up hittin' myself if I'm not fuckin' careful.
Hah!
That didn't count. OWW!
[crying]
No, no, NO, it can't END like this!
{whistle} It can't END like this! I only got 10!
That's not enough to put me over, is it?
It's not enough to put me OVER, Captain! IT'S NOT ENOUGH! Cat Peach! She was too cute for me!
[deadpan] "Take a look at this face."
"This is the face of a child who sucks at Mario Kart."
"With your help, this child too, could be great at Mario Kart, and win all the cups and trophies."
"If you just punch that like button, in the face." [laughs]
Okay, well that does it for this episode of Mario Kart. I love this game so much!
Even when I'm losing at it, I'm still having fun- Well- Let- Uh, disclaimer.
Uh, a little caveat there, in the middle of that one. I was doin' a course the other day,
Won all 3 rounds, the first ones, came to the last one, was coming first, got right before the finish line,
Got hit with 3 Red Shells, and a Blue Shell. Just all in a row, and I came in 4th.
SOMETIMES this game is a little bit like...
Anyway, THANK you guys, so much for watching this episode. If you LIKED it,
PUNCH that Like Button in the FACE!
LIKE A BOSS! And,
[leans in] High fives all around. *W'PSH!* *W'PSH!*
But THANK YOU GUYS, and I will see all you dudes...
[high squeal] IN THE NEXT VIDEO!!!
*"I'm Everywhere" by Teknoaxe*
*music ends*
Oh, there's only one game to get the blood flowin'! It's not this one.