- Oh my god, my ingrown.
- Are you sure it's not herpes again?
- It's not herpes all the way up there.
- Are you rolling? (Katya laughs)
(twinkle)
(both sighing)
I'm Trixie Mattel. - And I'm Katya.
- And we are two queens who like to watch.
- And today we're watching "The Knight Before Christmas".
- Let's hit it, let's see what's up.
- Hit it!
(dramatic orchestral music)
As always, folks, honey,
spoilers galore abound in this commentary.
- If two drag queens spoiling a Christmas movie
gets you down, I don't think
you were prepared for the real world.
- You have a lot of personal work to do, Helen,
so why don't you go pause, write in your journal,
do some scrapbooking, and then come back to us
when you've caught up with all of your shows.
- K-N-I-G-H-T. - That's right.
- This is a harrowing tale of a medieval knight
who's transported to the present.
- Well listen, time is a flat circle, mama. (laughing)
- What about these flat circles?
And he falls in love with a science teacher
who's very disillusioned by love.
- She can't figure it out for herself 'cause she's a woman.
- She's probably one of those young, cool teachers.
- Yeah, like raps to the kids.
Science is cool and I ain't no fool!
Here's some stuff that you're gonna love!
- Well she's gonna be like, "I'm just a teacher."
- I'm just a teacher, I have nothing to learn.
And then he's gonna come in and be like,
"Learn this, bitch!" - Right.
We like a predictable plot but we like a pun.
- I love a pun.
- (singing) All I want for Christmas
is genuine human contact.
- She's cold-hearted and she needs a warrior from the past
to tell her what's really important in her life.
- And he's gonna joust her pussy.
(Katya laughing)
You can't get pregnant through forged steel.
(twinkle)
So she's at the mall with her little niece
who believes in Christmas and they're gonna meet Santa.
She doesn't wanna be there 'cause she's spurned by her ex.
- What's wrong? - Just someone I wish
would move to the North Pole
so I never have to see his face again.
- You say it, girl.
- [Trixie] I wish that she would--
- [Katya] Santa's a woman!
- [Mrs. Claus] Aww, aren't you precious?
- What would you like for Christmas this year, young lady?
- Oh, oh my god. (laughing)
- Do you like how gay I am?
I'm like, "You better work, dyke Santa!" Like...
- (laughing) This is the future liberals want.
- Dammit.
- Have you ever sat on Santa's lap?
- Yeah, of course.
- I wanna sit on Santa's lap and,
you be Santa for a moment.
Just be Santa.
Put the drink down, Mary.
You be Santa--
- A mall Santa would be drinking.
- Okay, yeah, you be Santa. - Ho ho ho!
What would you like for Christmas, little girl?
- To be human again.
(both laughing) (twinkle)
- Wait a minute.
Let me tell you what happened.
They were making two great movies.
One about Christmas and one about medieval times.
- The "Game of Thrones" prequel.
- Double booking the studio. - Over budget.
They had to share a soundstage with a Christmas movie.
(laughing)
- A flying steel dragon.
- Okay, he doesn't know where he is right now.
- He doesn't know where he is.
- And this young man looks like he's really, really young.
- Although the life expectancy in his era is
probably like 25. - Oh he's old, yeah.
- He's like a grandpa.
- He's looking to meet a woman to enter the winter
of his life. (laughing)
- I met my wife when she was eight.
- (screaming) Oh, I'm so sorry.
- What is this delicious mead?
- It's hot chocolate, let me help.
- Okay. - Okay, so they're at an event
so she doesn't realize he's dressed up.
- Of course, right, yeah.
If I were transported to the future,
I feel like I'd be a little more on the freak out.
Do you know what I mean?
- I think back then, there was like hags and leper-who's--
(Katya laughing)
and nobody's impressed by anything.
Like you think Twitter ruined people's relationships?
- Hags and leper-who's?
- Back then they were like, "And a goblin? And what?"
Do you think at the end of the movie he's gonna have
to go to back Medieval Times?
- I, I-- - The restaurant,
not the time period. (laughing)
That's the other twist is he's just from the restaurant.
- Yeah. (laughing) - He's a busboy.
- Do you think he's gonna learn something?
- I think that they're gonna teach each other something.
- (burping) Mhm.
(twinkle)
- Oh my gosh.
- Oh he doesn't know where he is, where's--
- Is she gonna hit him? - Hit him!
- [Trixie] Oh shit. (dramatic music)
- Maybe he thinks they're jousting.
- Fear not, I've been thrown much further
by much faster horses than your steel steed.
- As somebody who's hit someone with a car outside
of Whole Foods, it's not like this.
- (laughing) It's not!
Vehicular manslaughter was never this sexy!
- I side-swiped someone in my Smart car in 2008
and it was nothing like this.
My madame, I'm fine!
He was like, "Uh, I'm not gonna sue,
"but you better buy me a sandwich."
You know he made me go to the Whole Foods
and buy him a sandwich?
- Well. - I'm the one
with the scratched vehicle.
(beep)
- What are these?
- Don't worry, I'm a drag queen
there's no dignity to begin with.
(twinkle)
- Nothing fancy, but you should be nice and...
(yells) - Ooh!
- Cozy. - Falling in love, literally.
Imagine he just chokes her. (laughs)
- Well first thing I think we should do
is update your wardrobe.
- I took in a hot vagrant once
and he would not have sex with me.
He stayed with me three fucking nights.
- I'm sure I can find something
my ex-boyfriend left lying around.
He turned out to be, as the kids say, a real douche.
- She just said douche!
- While you fetch the douche's garments,
might I inquire as to a tub and a cauldron
so that I can boil some water for a bath?
- You at a Best Western Hawthorne.
- Fetch the douche's garments,
I'm gonna draw a bath in the cauldron.
Oh my god, he's gonna be naked!
- I'll let you get dressed.
- She's dickmatized. - Dickmatized.
- She's sniffin'.
- [Trixie] She is so beautiful--
- [Katya] She's sniffin' - Look at her little waist.
I watch a movie like this and I'm like,
"I don't look like either of those people."
Have you ever seen "Flubber"?
(laughing)
- "The Nutty Professor"? - That's what I look like.
Yes. (Katya laughing)
The Klumps, that's me.
- (laughing) The Klumps!
- [Producer] Do we wanna get another?
- Hot. - Oh wow, yeah yeah.
(twinkle)
- This is truly a bounty unlike anything I've ever seen.
- By the way, that's me at Gelson's.
- Yeah, whoa! - "This is a bounty
"unlike I've ever seen!"
And by the way, Renaissance Faire people are never this hot.
- No. - I bet you she takes him
for a haircut eventually.
- If this were a real true to life moment,
she'd be taking him to the cosmetic dentistry.
'Cause he'd have these brown, fucking wooden slats
hanging out of his mouth. - Yes.
He's a really great guy
and so I'm getting him top and bottom veneers.
- (laughing) I'm 15, I'm calling it quits.
- And also, the B.O.
- Yeah. - You know in this movie--
everybody smells like a cat's ass.
- That this man, the real Vanessa Hudgens in real life
would be like, - Ugh!
- Oh my god.
- [In Unison] Did you shit yourself?
(laughing and clapping)
- I said SkinnyPop White Cheddar.
What I got was varying types of kettle corn.
- That is delicious.
This piss is delicious!
- Pop off, sis. (twinkle)
Okay, don't laugh.
Is baking kinda hot? (Katya laughing)
The way he's fucking up that dough,
don't you think that's a little hot?
She's like, "You should smell the yuletide bread
"I'm cookin' up in this oven."
(Katya snorting and laughing)
Baking bread, don't you?
If I ever had a pussy, I would never say I was baking bread.
That is so not it.
Baking bread, uhn, it's rising.
(laughing) That is so wrong.
- Nature's little oven.
(both gasping)
- Ghost.
- He's trying to operate her hands and she's like...
- Look at this.
Yeah, she's like (moaning)
- Okay, I will say this.
They're playing it like he's too naive
to know what he's doing.
He knows what he's doing.
- He's poking her in the back one.
- Hello. - He's pokin'.
She feels a little poke coming through.
- He's jousting her.
- [Cole] What's wrong?
- Clarie's missing. (fast music)
- This is turning into a murder movie.
- (laughs) This is-- - Who is that?
My daughter's dead. (laughing)
What did you say about the bread again?
- (laughing) Yeah.
- Where'd you get such a thing?
- Gucci.
- Really? - No.
- ASOS? - Yeah. (laughs)
(twinkle)
- Close your eyes and hold out your hand.
- What is it? - It's a human turd. (laughs)
It's my feces!
- Shut up! - It's my feces! (laughs)
- It's tradition to kiss if you're caught under mistletoe.
Bad luck if you don't.
- He's looking very, very sexy there.
- Oh she's trying to like--
- [Katya] Oh she's trying to poach the knight.
- Did anybody ever mistletoe you?
I will say this, it's never the one you want.
That was cute. ♪ We're falling in love ♪
- Yeah, this is very wholesome.
- I gotta ask you, how long did you believe in Santa?
You were 18? - 'Til I was like 18 yeah, 18.
- Another spoiler alert here.
I was living in Germany at the time,
we didn't call it Santa, we called it Der Sander Klausen.
(Katya laughing) We believed in it very much.
You wanna know why I believed in it?
'Cause it was an old many who wore only red
who lived in my block.
And every year he would take one of the children.
(Katya laughing)
- I love Christmas. - I love Christmas, yeah.
- You love Christmas? - I love Christmas.
In the UK there's Christmas markets.
I would wander the towns, go the Christmas markets.
One December, this is not a lie,
I was robbed by a group of teenagers and it was fascinating,
because we became friends afterwards.
Just like a movie, I swear to God.
- How did you become friends with the robbers?
- Because we worked through it.
Well they stole a bunch of ones from my thing
and they weren't familiar with the currency.
But I had a $100 bill in there, I said,
"Listen, if you're gonna steal,
"you gotta learn how to do it right."
And then we laughed about it.
- Did you get the money back? - No.
But I'm rich, so it's fine.
But that's the Christmas spirit.
(twinkle)
- What's the best thing under any Christmas tree?
- [Kids In Unison] Love.
- I wanna bone that dad though.
- Oh with the kid? - Yeah.
- I mean not with the kid.
- Not with the kids, not with the kids!
- You know when the guy has a kid,
it's that hot, potent dad nut.
You know it works. (Katya laughing)
Functional, uhn!
(twinkling music)
- From what I gather, it's bad luck if a couple don't kiss
whence they find themselves underneath it.
- Mama, go for it. - [Katya] Yeah.
- Oh.
- I am so horny. (Trixie laughing)
I got rejected two times yesterday.
- I'm not surprised.
Did you get the mistletoe?
- No, I got no mistletoe.
- See, this is what you could have done with it.
- You think I could mistletoe somebody--
- Wait a minute. - Oh.
- Cole, your medallion. - Oh shit.
- Oh he's a witch.
He's a witch!
- Means we must go.
Come, quick, take me to your trusty steed!
- Is he gonna be transported back right
when they're starting to get--
- She's gonna go back with him!
Time travel! (twinkle)
- Must be my way back. - Back where?
- To the future. (laughing)
- Then you fulfilled your quest.
- Oh. - Oh, what?
- Did he have to find true love to break the...
- No matter what, I hereby pledge my service to thee.
- Oh, he's leaving! - [Katya] Not on Christmas!
- That's you entering smoking. - That's fierce.
(laughs) Yes, my god, it's so great.
I gotta go. (imitates puffing)
- That's your exit from anywhere
'cause you're lighting a cigarette
before you even get outside.
I must take my leave. - Yeah! (laughs)
And then we hear you sprinting.
Like we can see you. - Yeah. (laughs)
She didn't think the smoke was weird,
but now she thinks it's weird that he's gone?
- Well they were just hitting it off, but he got Cole feet.
And sis, that's on period. (twinkle)
- If you help me return to my truest love--
- Who is that?
Cybill Shepherd, is it Cybill Shepherd?
- That's Meghan McCain. (Katya laughing)
- Very well. - She learned!
- The hair is so fierce.
If I could do it all again, I'd be a medieval hag.
We'd have a smoky hut in the forest,
people would come to me, I would cut their hands
and read their future.
- Oh so they would give you cash for you
to do like some dark spell.
- Yes, I would rub the flesh of murdered babies
on me to stay youthful.
- 'Cause they hadn't invented
Bobbi Brown Vitamin Enriched Face Base.
- There was no Juvederm, Lubriderm,
or any kind of derm then.
It was all just like killing babies.
- Also there was no foundation.
- No foundation. - So you would have been
a really interesting looking hag
since there's no drag, no lashes.
- No drag, oh, I'd look like Mr. Burns.
- Yeah, I wanna be like a gay, royal relative
that we don't talk about it, but he has a special friend.
- (whispering) Sword swallower if you know what I mean.
- Yeah.
- I would love to fling myself from the castle.
- I would love to see it. (Katya laughing)
People would be like,
"Why are you down here with binoculars?"
I'd be like, "No reason."
(Katya laughing) (twinkle)
- Delighting in your company.
- Cole, I thought you were gone, like for good.
- Brooke, I should have realized sooner,
but you are my quest.
And my heart is eternally and devotedly yours.
(Katya snorting)
If you'll have me.
- No, bye. - I'm actually cool. (laughs)
- Mama, I'm on Tinder, I've moved on.
I found a knight from just a little further back.
- (laughs) Yeah. - Aww, I'm happy for them.
- Now you know what I want?
A 20 minute sex scene.
Fog up those windows, Mary, let's get it fucking crackin'.
- What'll you do here?
- Perhaps I'll join Officer Stevens
and his order of present day knights.
- Him as cop? - No.
- Someone running a stop sign, I'll take care of this.
(whoosh) Beheaded. - (laughs) Yeah.
Santa is thin!
I don't fuck with a non-fat Santa.
- Even Santa's giving into the pressure of social media.
- I know! (laughs)
- [Trixie] Oh, it's over.
- Oh, I want that hag to come back and slap somebody.
(both laughing)
- This is a good movie.
You know, a holiday movie. - Yeah.
- Formulaic, yes, but there's something
about a cherished formula that makes you feel safe,
like watching your favorite movie over and over again.
- Well let me tell you something about a formula.
It works. - It works!
On holiday when I'm sitting next to my grandma's dead body,
I'm not looking to be surprised by a plot.
Merry Christmas! - Merry Christmas too.
We hope that you find a strange, but comforting
and anachronistic love this holiday season.
(bright music) (jingling bells)