♪ >> Stephen: HEY!
WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY!
LET'S SAY HELLO TO JON BATISTE.
HEY, JON!
>> Jon: WHAT'S HAPPENING?
YOU GOT TO GET IT IN.
>> Stephen: I LIKE THAT SHIRT A LOT.
>> Jon: THIS IS A GOOD VIBE.
IT FEELS LIKE FALL.
IT'S GREAT.
>> Stephen: YOU WANT TO HEAR ABOUT GOOD VIBE, I SPENT THE
MORNING TALKING TO PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA.
>> Jon: WOW.
>> Stephen: I WAS DOWN IN NICE TO SEE YOU TALKING TO HIM.
THAT IS A GOOD VIBE.
HE SEEMS GOOD, HAPPY, RELAXED.
>> Jon: OH, WOW.
HE'S GOT A LOT ON HIS PLATE.
THE BOOK, YOU KNOW.
>> Stephen: THE BOOK'S DONE.
>> Jon: RIGHT.
>> Stephen: ObamaCare DIDN'T GET TOSSED OUT BY THE SUPREME
COURT.
HIS GUY IS GOING TO BE THE NEXT PRESIDENT.
HE'S GOT A SPRING IN HIS STEP, I TELL YOU THAT.
>> Jon: WOW.
HOW WAS THE CONVERSATION?
>> Stephen: FAR-RANGING, LIGHT, DEEP, IT HAD IT ALL.
I DON'T KNOW HOW WE'RE GOING TO FIT IT INTO A SHOW.
MAYBE WE'LL DO TWO SHOWS.
MAYBE WE'LL DO AN EXTRA SHOW WITH IT.
>> Jon: THAT'S WHAT I WOULD SAY.
THAT'S ONE TO HAVE THE GREATEST LIVING HUMANS.
YOU'VE GOT TO SHOWCASE IT ALL.
WE NEED TO HEAR IT.
>> Stephen: JO JON, WE PLAYED WASTE BASKETBALL, YOU KNOW THE
BALL PAPER AND CHUTE.
>> Stephen: HE'S GOT THE LEFT-HANDED J.
>> Jon: HE DOES.
YOU'VE GOT TO STICK AROUND FOR THE GAME.
.>> Jon: WHO WON?
>> Stephen: I CAN'T GIVE THAT AWAY!
LET'S SAY WE DID WAGER.
>> Jon: YEAH, YEAH.
I REMEMBER WHEN YOU PLAYED THAT WITH STEF AND YOU GOT A J.
I KNOW YOU GOT SOMETHING ON YOU WITH THE SOCKS AND THE BUCKET.
>> Stephen: WHEN THE CAMERA TURNS ON AND THE ADRENALINE
FLOWS, ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE, JON YOU KNOW THAT.
>> Jon: YEAH, I'LL PUT YOU ON THE FREE-THROW LINE FOR THE
TECH.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: YOU GOT ANYTHING
COMING UP FOR THE HOLIDAYS?
ANYTHING FOR THANKSGIVING?
ANYTHING THAT PUTS YOU IN THE AUTUMNAL MOOD THAT MATCHES YOUR
SHIRT?
♪ ♪
>> Jon: OH, YEAH, YOU KNOW, THE --
♪ ♪
>> Stephen: NOW I WANT TO GO FOR A WALK IN CENTRAL PARK.
JON BATISTE, EVERYBODY.
THANK YOU, JON.
>> Jon: THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: YOU KNOW, FOLKS, I SPENT A LOT OF TIME TRAINING ON
THE MIGHTY STEED OF NEWS, DONNING
THE DAY'S MOST TOPICAL ARMOR, AND SHARPENING THE LANCE OF
SATIRE FOR THE MEDIEVAL ROYAL JOUSTING TOURNAMENT THAT IS MY
MONOLOGUE.
BUT ONCE IN A WHILE, I DOWN A 40 OF BOURBON, RUN NAKED IN THE
PALE MOONLIGHT TO THE FARM TWO TOWNS OVER, AND STEAL A BABY
PONY TO STAGE THE FULL-FRONTAL ONE-MAN AMATEUR PRODUCTION OF
EQUUS OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT:
♪ ♪
>> QUARANTINE WHILE!
>> Stephen: I DON'T ALWAYS READ THESE AHEAD OF TIME.
IN THIS SCENARIO AM I HAVING SEX WITH A PONY?
IT'S A BABY PONY.
VERY UPSETTING.
I DO NOT APPROVE THAT INTRO, BUT I DID ENJOY IT.
QUARANTINE-WHIILE, LET'S GET STRAIGHT TO THE QUESTION
EVERYONE IS ASKING TODAY: HAS SEX PISTOLS STAR JOHN LYDON BEEN
BITTEN BY A FLEA ON HIS PENIS AFTER BEFRIENDING SQUIRRELS?
GOOD NEWS: SEX PISTOL STAR JOHN LIEDEN WAS
BITTEN ON HIS PENIS AFTER BEFRIENDING THE SQUIRRELS.
IT SEEMS THE FLEA NEVER MINDED THE BOLLOCKS, AND WENT STRAIGHT
FOR THE SEX PISTOL.
GOD SAVE THE PEEN.
LYDON IS RECOVERING WELL, AND AUTHORITIES HAVE RELEASED THIS
PHOTO OF THE SUSPECTED PENIS-BITING FLEA.
QUARANTINE-WHILE, JUST IN TIME FOR THANKSGIVING, "PERDUE HAS
RELEASED A LIMITED-TIME-ONLY ITEM CALLED "THANKSNUGGETS."
IT'S PERFECT FOR ANYONE SPENDING THIS THANKSGIVING ALONE,
WONDERING, "HOW CAN I MAKE THIS SADDER?"
ALSO, PRO TIP, DON'T GIVE YOUR PRODUCT A NAME THAT
AUTOMATICALLY SOUNDS LIKE SARCASM.
THANKS, NUGGETS.
THERE ARE TWO FLAVORS OF THANKS, NUGGETS: ONE INCLUDES
DARK TURKEY MEAT BLENDED WITH A CRANBERRY SAUCE AND STUFFING
FLAVOR, AND ONE FEATURES WHITE TURKEY MEAT "INSPIRED" BY
THE FLAVOR OF SWEET POTATO.
"INSPIRED" BY ACTUAL FOOD? OKAY, PICASSO.
(AS ARTIST) "AND OVER HERE YOU'LL SEE MY
NUGGETS THAT ARE LOOSELY INSPIRED BY THE CONCEPT OF
CHICKEN.
THEY INCLUDE AN HOMAGE TO NUTRITION AND OF COURSE A NOD TO
PROTEIN, BUT THE MEDIUM IS PRIMARILY SALT MIXED WITH
OIL AND BREAD CRUMBS."
QUARANTINE-WHILE, "FLORIDA OFFICIALS HAVE PROPOSED CULLING
THEIR INVASIVE PYTHON POPULATION BY EATING THEM."
THE ONLY THING THAT SURPRISES ME ABOUT THIS STORY IS THAT
FLORIDIANS WEREN'T "ALREADY" EATING PYTHONS.
UNTIL NOW, FLORIDA'S FISH AND WILDLIFE COMMISSION HAS
DISAPPROVED OF EATING THE INVASIVE PYTHONS BECAUSE
"A DECADE-OLD STUDY FOUND EVERGLADES NATIONAL PARK PYTHONS
CARRIED ALARMING AMOUNTS OF MERCURY, A NEUROTOXIN THAT CAN
IMPAIR BRAIN FUNCTIONING."
AGAIN...
ARE WE "SURE" FLORIDIANS HAVEN'T ALREADY BEEN EATING THESE
SNAKES.
WE'RE TALKING ABOUT A STATE THAT KEEPS ELECTING A MAN WHO IS
CLEARLY PART PYTHON.
HE WILL UNHINGE HIS JAW!
QUARANTINE-WHILE, IN MOVIE NEWS, IT HAS JUST BEEN REVEALED THAT
"MAHERSHALA ALI REFUSED TO DO A SEX SCENE IN 'BENJAMIN BUTTON'."
BUT THE WEIRD PART IS HE: HE FILMED THE MOVIE, "THEN" REFUSED
TO DO THE SEX SCENE, AND "THEN" AUDITIONED, AND THEN WAS
A BABY.
NEVER SEEN IT.
QUARANTINE-WHILE, BEAR ATTACKS HAVE REACHED A FIVE YEAR HIGH IN
JAPAN, BUT ONE AREA HAS A NOVEL SOLUTION: THE JAPANESE
ISLAND OF HOKKAIDO HAS CALLED IN A 'MONSTER WOLF' TO SCARE OFF
WILD BEAR," HERE IT IS IN ACTION:
NOW THAT'S A HAPPY STORY.
THIS MONSTER WOLF HAS BEEN LOOKING FOR WORK EVER SINCE HE
GOT KICKED OUT OF THE CHUCK E.
CHEESE BAND FOR MURDERING HIS METH DEALER.
QUARANTINE-WHILE, IN WHAT COULD GO WRONG NEWS, "SCIENTISTS MADE
MONKEY BRAINS DOUBLE IN SIZE BYSPLICING THEM WITH HUMAN
GENES."
COME ON!
WE'VE MADE MOVIE AFTER MOVIE ABOUT HOW THIS ENDS BADLY.
"JURASSIC PARK," "THE FLY," ALL THE "PLANET OF THE APES"
MOVIES, HAVE YOU NOT SEEN "EX MONKEY-NA?!"
IT'S GOOD. A MAZING WHAT THEY DID ON THAT
BUDGET.
AFTER EXPERIMENTING WITH THE -- I'M GETTING WEIRD MIXTURE OF
FEELINGS LOOKING AT THAT MONKEY.
AFTER ALL, WE HEARD WHAT I DID WITH THE PONY AT THE BEGINNING
OF THIS.
I DON'T KNOW HOW THE ACT IS PAINTING ME.
AFTER EXPERIMENTING WITH THE MONKEYS' GENES "THEY FOUND THAT
THE PRIMATES' BRAINS SOON BECAME MORE HUMAN-LIKE."
SO MONKEYS CAN NOW FEEL WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE HUMAN.
IN FACT, ONE MONKEY BECAME SO HUMAN LIKE THAT SHE BOUGHT A
PELOTON TO HELP HER GET THROUGH HER DIVORCE.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH GLENN CLOSE.