You guys know what Kendriya Vidyalaya is, right?
There are some rich people are like, "What is this, a spa?"
You guys, it's a Government school.
Barely, qualifies as a school.
Barely! Like they have rooms that resemble classrooms.
Ya, So we had a lovely curriculum in KV called CBSE.
It's so depressing, CBSE.
That the only thing we look forward to is discussing marks.
See, people show off, like, "hey bro, I got 88%."
"Yeah? I got 90% bro."
And one person is like, "I got 94."
"What, 94?"
"Ya, I do state syllabus."
"Get out man."
And there's one guy who'll come up with like,"I got 95 ,I do ICSE"
"We'll pay for your bill, just.."
ICSE, who did ICSE? Oh my God. You guys are sorted for life, okay?
While we were learning addition and subtraction you were learning how to send mars rovers.
I don't know, what retarded curriculum they have.
O my God, scary.
And obviously, in KV, they do a lot of torture techniques.
They slowly break you down as a child.
The first thing is called morning assembly.
Morning assembly is a phenomena
where you put kids in the Sun
Roast them to light medium brown.
Make sure, they turn brown.
And, they make the guys stand in ascending order of insecurities.
Shortest, least self confident guy goes in the first.
Genetically gifted tall guy who's good looking will do well in life in the back.
If you're gonna play with their insecurities
"Hey your susu is small" "Ya correct Sir sorry-"
They make sure that everyone does not have a sense
of indivisualism.
By making sure everybody wears the same uniform.
And there is, there's the wicked death eater of
the morning assembly, the person who checks if you're wearing your uniform correctly.
THAT ASSHOLE!
No kid should be given so much power.
He's just like "Oh but I am not wearing the belt."
"Don't worry, just pull your shirt like this.
He'll never check."
"Ya I know. I'll just pull it like this and he won't check."
And suddenly he goes and he's like
and then he will stop
I love the pledge.
We used to always wait for someone to screw it up.
"India is my country." "Ya, keep going, keep going.
(In Hindi) I bet 10 bucks he is going to break in the middle
"All africans are my brothers and sisters" "SEE HE SCREWED UP."
No one got it, right?
I still can't get it right. Like I heard it everyday for 12 years.
And then there are so, there are torture techniques.
That teachers use.
So there was this teacher called Prasad Sir.
I still call him Sir because I am afraid he'll come and hit me from somewhere.
Just check if he's not here.
So there's a proper heil Hitler thing in school, which is..
"Good morning Teacher".
After a point it wasn't about respect anymore it was a "Don't hit me teacher."
So Prasad Sir, who obviously had a nickname. Every teacher, has a nickname, right?
We can't respect them.
Only when I grew up I realized how tough it is to be a teacher.
But let's go back as a kid.
So Prasad Sir, we used to call him, James Bond.
Coz he used to wear shades.
And he used to have like, slicked back hair, full perfectly gelled.
I think he gelled it with the tears of the children.
"Just..
"Freshly gelled."
And he used to, try to catch us, like, we didn't even like, mess up. He used to make sure we mess up.
So he used to like, suddenly enter the room.
and all of would be caught by surprise, and someone who's not standing would get caught.
So what we used to do, in between the class, we have like, five minutes of freedom, right? It's just..
Teacher leaves, like...
We're just chilling. And all of us were smart, like,
we used to keep one leg distance from our desk.
We used to chill like this, teacher comes in, "Good morning Sir."
So we prepared.
Where there'll be one, two idiots who're like in the back and like,..
And suddenly teacher comes in and like..
And Prasad sir used to like, he was a cold blooded killer. And he used to like
"Kenny!" "Yes Sir."
"Stand." "Sorry Sir"
"Make Arjun also stand."
(In Hindi) "Sir Arjun hasn't done anything wrong."
"Why are you bringing him into this, you want me, go after me."
So Arjun and me are standing.
And now his weapon of choice was the duster.
All you rich folks will be like, "Oh, what's the big deal with the duster, Kenny?"
A duster in the Kendriya Vidyalaya, I am just thinking,
if I was a duster manufacturer,
what is the material I would use?
When I know,
the duster is gonna be around children.
I am sure they had a board meeting, right?
They would have discussed this, right?
"So what do you think we should use for the duster?"
"I don't know, you recommend."
"Wood & nails?"
"Perfect, let's manufacture it for all the Kendriya Vidyalayas."
So Prasad Sir took their duster,
and is about to throw it at me.
And Arjun started shivering.
Cause Prasad Sir has bad aim.
So, Arjun is like.. (Shivering)
I am like..(Shivering)
He takes the duster, throws it, obviously hits Arjun.
But I have to react, am like "owwwwww."
"owww I can totally imagine how that feels don't do it again."
I think the worst thing ,than even getting punished
was exams, Man. I just don't know why we did exams.
I don't see the purpose of it. But it is important, children. It is important. Exams
..are important. If you don't do well in exams you'll end up like me.
Happy.
So don't.
Don't do exams.
So..
It's not like I am some 8th fail or anything, I have a undergrad ok, don't worry.
I have a degree in painting, okay, it's a ..it's a degree.
It's a degree, physics girl.
Organic chemistry masters.
It is a degree I painted for four years and did sculptures okay, it's cool!
The only thing I learned from painting colleges that, all the paintings are contemporary. Just.. that's it.
That's a secret. you go to a art museum, you don't know what to say, "Contemporary, like it."
You are sorted. So anyway
worse thing was exams.
Because in exams, anyway, you know you're gonna fail..right.
And you study, but you write the exam and you come back home, and your parents are so sweet that, they really care.
Like "How was the exam?" "Oh, fantastic.
I think I'll get 95.
Maybe lose one mark for handwriting.
I don't know. chill"
And then he got the paper and obviously like I got 14 or something.
And I am coming to terms with it.
And I am coming to terms with it and I'm like "okay, I got 14!
Probably will get slapped once or twice.
It's okay, it's cool. Will manage it. Just work harder for the next one.
And the teacher gives you this false sense of hope.
"If there are any calculation mistakes?"
"I can easily get 80 marks."
And I have the audacity to go compare my paper with the class topper.
Bro, give your paper na da, how was yours, 95, ya whatever..
the same only da.
Only last is, the last answer is wrong. Atleast you get 7 marks from method no.
So I go back to the teacher,
and he puts it in locker,
and I said I have to get two marks for.. "What?"
"Sir I have to get five more marks Sir."
"Take this paper, put it up your ass and fuck off."
And then,
the hottest girl in class,
goes up to the teacher, and this weird thing happens. I just look back to it now and it is pretty weird.
She's like, "Sir, I got 98.
I need to get one more mark, Sir."
"Siir.."
That's when I realized what sexual tension was.
"Sir why is the room getting so hot suddenly?"
And so he used to give it, it is so creepy, he'z a..middle aged man.
So next time when I went for a date, and she was like,"Hey Kenny", I am like "Oh, calculation mistake."