(sign buzzes) (upbeat music)
- Wow.
I can't believe he's almost two already.
Show Katie the other one.
- I mean, I don't wanna go on and on,
but this is after I finished building his crib,
and I caught him after he fell asleep with my hammer.
- Oh my God, Soren,
I can't tell you how cool it is to watch you be a dad!
- Thank you, Katie.
Yeah, it's really amazing.
It's like the hero of the story--
- I'll be back.
(mimics gunfire and explosion)
- Great.
- Oh, I'm sorry, I've confused you.
I'm the Terminator.
- Oh. - Oh wow, there you are.
- What's your target? Meaningful conversation?
- What are we talkin' about?
- Actually, Michael, we were kind of talking
about important real life stuff.
- Oh, like how every Arnold Schwarzenegger movie
actually takes place within the Terminator universe?
(sighs)
- Hasta la vista, Baby.
(gun fires) (shattering)
- Be honest, did you just dress like Terminator
to force your topic on us?
- Dan told me to.
- I believe
that you believe that--
- So we agree-ish!
Point the first!
Arnold plays every character like the Terminator
in every movie regardless of where or when it is set.
- Okey dokes, let's not conflate limited acting ability
and an incredibly persistent accent
with playing the same character, okay.
Lots of actors have perpetual quirks,
and we're totally fine with it!
Keanu Reeves is always this emotionally dense dude
running on island time,
and Tom Cruise just can't stop running,
and Al Pacino's always like weirdly happy
with how mad he is.
- Gimme all you got!
- But Arnold's characters literally have
all the same terminatorial beats.
He's always an obsessed, barely back-storied,
semi-slaughtering maniac
who's thrust bicep-deep into a problem
that only a combination of explosions,
fist fights and gunfights can solve.
He even says the same lines
in totally different movies
when it doesn't make sense.
- I'll be back.
I'll be back.
- You've been back enough.
- Plus, he's constantly performing
supernatural feats of strength,
even in the movies where he's just supposed to be
some dude with muscles.
- Mm, in Predator, he physically pushes
a semi-truck stacked with explosives
into an insurgent base camp.
- He dead lifts a whole car in Twins.
Just hoists that (bleep) sky high
like it's three K enrollment costs.
- But Twins, they try to explain that away.
He's genetically engineered with six fathers
who all combine to make like a super sperm, I guess.
Man, the 90s were super ignorant about genes.
- Yeah, if we're gonna talk about genetic ignorance,
can we please talk about Junior?
Okay, there's no way that Arnie is the Terminator in that.
He's just this slightly grumpy Austrian scientist
who decides to inject himself with a baby
and then Mrs. Doubtfire his way through his third trimester
at a commune with a bunch of women
who can't even tell that he's a man.
It's incredibly offensive.
- That's true!
Danny DeVito skips so many crucial steps
in the prenatal journey.
- Guys, relax.
They're fake!
Okay?
All the movies are fake.
Get it?
- Is your argument today that movies are fake?
- All the movies that Arnie has made
are just simulations that Skynet's running the T-800 through
to expose its faulty programming
since it failed to kill Sarah Connor in Terminator one.
I mean, Arnold's IMDB page may as well just be
a menu on the machines' holodeck.
Which, for the sake of my argument, let's assume they have.
- Ooh, that's interesting. - That's pretty plausible.
- Nobody just assumes my holodecks into existence.
- Okay, so in your mind, the chronology
of Arnie's movies goes Terminator one,
and then a bunch of simulations, and then Terminator 2?
- Right, exactly.
Think about it, half of his movies
are fundamentally motivated by some vague personal loss
of a loved one or family member
that totally justifies two hours of indiscriminate murder.
In some movies we barely even meet the victims.
The story is always secondary to the mayhem
that Arnie has to cause.
- Commando, Predator, Batman and Robin,
Sixth Day, Collateral Damage.
Wow, even Conan the Barbarian starts
with James Earl Jones murdering Conan's mother
with his glam stare.
- Right! But why?
Because when the Terminator failed
to kill a single, unarmed woman
even using vastly superior technology,
Skynet knew it had to find the source of that malfunction.
So it runs the T-800 through a bunch of scenarios
where it's failed its objective,
but it has to roll with the situation
and get the kill anyway.
Skynet is trying to isolate their error.
- Ooh, there's also a whole bucket of Arnold movies
where he's just discovering that the world
that he thought he lived in isn't totally real.
It's like the simulation seams are showing.
- Oh, that's true!
In Total Recall, it's just this Inception-ass dreamscape,
and by the end of it, you can't even tell
if any of it actually happened.
And then in Last Action Hero,
he discovers that his whole world is actually a movie.
The Running Man's gameshow is just
this Hunger Gamesian death trap
where all the winners end up getting killed offscreen
and only Arnie knows about it.
Plus there's Predator again if we assume
that Arnie doesn't believe that aliens are a thing.
- Predator actually makes more sense as a simulation.
Why would you have this unrelated alien hunter
invade a random counter insurgency op?
Doesn't it make more sense,
and at least double the awesome,
if Predator is actually a complicated death puzzle
that the T-800 has to beat!
- Ah, and that scene with Carl Weathers
and Arnold Schwarzenegger shaking hands finally adds up.
The T-800 hears Carl Weathers's voice,
clearly scans him with his robot vision,
and then tries to execute a convincing human greeting.
It does not go well.
- What about Kindergarten Cop?
- What about it? John Kimble's obviously a Terminator.
His outfit and tactics are hardly standard police procedure.
(rock music) (guns fire)
Well, they're extreme police procedure.
- But Arnold spends the rest of that movie
hanging out with a bunch of kids
so he can earn the trust of a woman
and a little boy that he has to protect.
That's literally the opposite
of what a Terminator is supposed to do.
There's a whole bunch of movies where Arnold is paired
with a woman, and or a child,
and or Danny DeVito to protect them.
Twins, True Lies, Jingle All the Way--
- Oh, that's right!
Arnold doesn't kill Jake Lloyd even once in that movie!
(gun fires)
God, it'd be so much cooler if he did.
- Dude, you're a father.
- Yeah, and I don't want to introduce my son
to a young Anakin Skywalker
that's just a Lego-hair bowl cut on a fence post.
- Hi, okay, no one has still explained to me Junior though,
'cause that's definitely not Terminator in a dress.
Somebody justify Junior!
(sighs)
- Okay, real talk.
Guys,
I haven't seen Junior.
And I didn't probably think this through all the way,
but I just, you know, I wanted to have something
to contribute.
And there's this pressure on me to perform, right?
You know, 'cause I'm the funny guy.
And you guys have all these great insights,
and just things are not going well at home--
- Oh my God, Daniel, fix this.
- I don't--
- You pop culture this problem away right this instant.
- The machines aren't running the simulation,
the humans are.
- Okay.
But wait, you're saying the humans have access
to advanced robotic simulation
and they're not reprogramming them for butt stuff?
(chuckles)
- So you're saying that if the humans have the T-800,
then they're reprogramming it
to save John Connor in Terminator 2?
So that just means that all of Arnie's movies
are prequels to T2.
- Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, that checks out.
Arnold's using his superhuman killing ability
to save people that he would ordinarily be trying to kill.
That's why he's protecting his wife in True Lies,
and trying to rescue Alyssa Milano in Commando.
- It's literally empathy training.
They make him pregnant in Junior
so he can experience female biochemistry,
then in Twins, they give him a biological relationship
to this troubled car thief,
so he's gotta help him out,
and in exchange, learn the power of sex!
(gasps) Then in Kindergarten Cop,
he learns not to kill kids!
'Cause you're they're teacher!
You're legally liable,
and it's bad to kill kids.
That's his training ground for how
to interact with John Connor.
- Even his overt action movies
are sort of like empathy training.
With Predator, and Conan, and Eraser
he's going up against an enemy that is much bigger,
badder, and more technically capable than he is.
He's learning what it's like for a human
to interact with and fight a Terminator.
- They also give him simulations
where he's already failed his mission at saving a family,
like Batman and Robin and Collateral Damage.
He's learning the pain of loss.
It's like aversion therapy for AI.
- Oh, wow!
He even learns self-sacrifice in the simulations.
In End of Days, he ends up sacrificing
himself for Robin Tunney.
- Yeah, and clearly, the training works.
By the end of T2, this emotionless robot
learns how to feel things
right before he lowers himself down
into self-sacrifice and destruction.
He even tries a human greeting at the end.
(dings)
- It does not go well.
- But otherwise, the humans thought of everything.
They trained him in every aspect
of John and Sarah Connor's experience
to ensure that he's able to protect them from the T-1000.
They even train him to take orders (bleep) little kids
so he learns how to listen to John Connor.
- You just can't go around killing people!
- Why?
- What do you mean why?
'Cause you can't.
- That's Jingle all the Way, Last Action Hero,
and Kindergarten Cop.
- Kids really do teach you humility.
- Okay.
- I said kids really--
- Dude, the moment passed.
- You guys can't look at pictures
of my kids for 10 minutes?
I had to hire a babysitter to be here.
- So you needed a sitter and you didn't think of me.
- Michael, you can't babysit my child.
- You're the one who lets him sleep with a hammer.
- That's fair.
- Besides, I have to pay my costume designer
back for this, all right?
I need the money.
That's my trouble at home.
And this guy is hardcore,
he's gonna break my muscle frames.
That's what I call my arms.
- I'll tell you what, I will pay you
to not babysit my child.
Does that work for you?
- How would fridge privileges work, if that's--
can I enter the house to access snacks?
- No, but I will bring you some Otter Pops,
but only orange.
- Point of order,
you own a house but you can't afford that leather jacket?
- Hi, thank you for watching this video!
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