>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY.
WELCOME BACK.
FOLKS.
HERE TONIGHT MAKING HER NETWORK TELEVISION DEBUT, PLEASE WELCOME
TO THE LATE SHOW WALLY BARAM.
(APPLAUSE) >> YEAH!
I'M WALLY, I'M MEXICAN AND SYRIAN OR AS FOX NEWS MIGHT CALL
ME A VERY LAZY TERRORIST.
(LAUGHTER) I JUST TURNED 23.
THANK YOU.
YEAH.
IT'S A VERY PARTICULAR AGE.
I FEEL LIKE I'M NOT A CHILD BUT I'M ALSO NOT QUITE AN ADULT.
LIKE THIS VERY WEIRD PERKING TORE WHERE EVEN MY BODY EXISTS
HERE, WHERE I'M 5, 2-RBGS AND I HAVE A BABYFACE BUT I HAVE BOOBS
AND THE VOICE OF LIKE 1/8 GRADE JEWISH BOY.
I HEAR T I DO HEAR IT.
I DEFINITELY DON'T DESERVE THE RSPECT OF AN ADULT.
I KNOW THAT FOR SURE.
I RECENTLY HAD TO PUBLICLY PRONOUNCE THE ORDER HORS
D'OEUVRE OR AS I SAID IT HORSE,-DEOVE,S IS, HAVE YOU SOON
THE WORD T IS PUNK YAITION IN THE ORIGINAL WORD, LIKE USE THE
TOOLS YOU WERE GIVEN.
I HAD TO WRITE OUT MY FIRST RENT CHECK RECENTLY WITH THE WORDS.
FUN FACT, TURNS OUT I DON'T KNOW HOW TO SPELL NUMBERS.
LIKE YOU THINK YOU KNOW AND THEN YOU'RE HIT WITH HUNDRED AND YOU
LIKE HUNDRED, PAY MY RENT IN FIVE HONDURAN, GORD FORBID YOU
ARE HILT WITH THE NUMBER EIGHT, LIKE E-I-- WHAT?
WHAT IS THAT WORD?
IT'S FIVE LETTERS AND NONE OF THEM MAKE SENSE BUT T.
TRULY, I DON'T KNOW.
I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING.
SOMEONE ASKED ME RECENTLY IF I THOUGHT THEY HAD A FEVER.
IF I THOUGHT THEY FELT WARM.
I WAS LIKE WOW, I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW WARM PEOPLE ARE.
I'M NOT EVEN ACCLIMATED TO HUMAN TOUCH, I'M DOING THAT THINGS
MOMS DO, WHERE I'M FEELING MYSELF AND THEN THEM, TRYING TO
SUBTRACT MY TEMPERATURE FROM THEIRS.
I THINK IT WOULD BE GREAT IF REAL DOCTORS DID IT THAT WAY.
IF THEY JUST COMPARED THEMSELVES TO YOU.
THEY WERE LIKE, WELL, MY ARM IS HARD, AND YOURS IS CRUNCHY.
YOU'RE SCREAMING AND I'M NOT.
I WOULD SAY IT'S BROKEN.
MAKING FRIENDS AS AN ADULT, IT IS BANANAS HARD, TRULY.
IT APPEARS TO ME IN ORDER TO MAKE FRIENDS AS AN ADULT I NEED
TO HAVE PREVIOUSLY HAD FRIENDS FROM WHICH I MEET THE NEW
FRIENDS?
BEGS THE QUESTION HOW DID THE FIRST PERSON MAKE FRIENDS?
IT IS ONE OF THESE CHICKEN OR THE EGG SITUATIONS, EXCEPT FOR I
HAVE NO CHICKENS AND NO EGGS AND I'M JUST A SAD FARMER.
JUST ME AND MY CABBAGE.
I GET T I'M PARTICULAR.
I HAVE OCD.
I WAS DIAGNOSED WHEN I WAS IN THE THIRD GRADE AND I HAD AN
OBSESSION WITH FINGER GUNS.
AND EVERY TIME I DID A FINGER GUN ON ONE SIDE I HAD TO DO A
FINGER GUN ON THE OTHER SIDE.
CONSEQUENTLY, I BECAME A VIOLENTLY JAZZY THIRD GRADER.
ONE THING THAT REALLY BOTHERS ME ABOUT HAVING OCD IS THAT PEOPLE
LIKE TO USE IT AS AN ADJECTIVE.
WHICH I FEEL LIKE YOU JUST SHOULDN'T BE ABLE TO DO WITH
DISORDERS.
SO I AM SOMEONE MIGHT SAY WALLY, I FEEL LIKE ARE YOU BEING A
LITTLE BIT OCD RIGHT NOW.
I DEFINITELY CAN'T BE ON THE HIKE AND SAY BARBARA, I FEEL
LIKE YOU'RE BEING A LITTLE BIT POLIO.
I'LL BE HONEST T IS A WEIRD TIME TO BE MEXICAN.
IT IS.
I RECENTLY TOOK A TRIP TO OHIO WHERE I FLEW INTO THE AIRPORT,
WENT TO HAIL A CAB.
THE CAB DRIVER LOOKED BACK AT ME AND HE SAID I DON'T TAKE
[BLEEP].
YEAH, HORRIFYING, HORRIFYING.
AND THEN HE SPED OFF.
AND I SAW ON HIS BUMPER HE HAD A BUNCH OF CROSSES AND BIBLE
VERSES.
AND SOMETIMES I JUST THINK IT'S SO WILD WHEN CONSERVATIVE
CHRISTIANS ARE THE ONES THAT ARE RACIST AGAINST MEXICANS.
BECAUSE NOBODY LOVES JESUS MORE THAN MEXICANS.
(APPLAUSE) WE LOVE HIM SO MUCH.
WE NAME OUR CHILDREN AFTER HIM.
WHITE PEOPLE DON'T DO THAT.
YOU DON'T MEET A JESUS VANDERBILT.
A JESUS SULLIVAN.
TRULY THERE IS NOT QUITE A SIMILAR FANDOM FOR WHITE PEOPLE,
LIKE THE BEATLES WOULD HAVE TO BE A SPORTS TEAM AND THAT'S
JESUS TO MEXICANS.
>> MY MOM LOVES JESUS.
SHE LOVES HIM SO MUCH.
SHE IS EVERY KIND OF JESUS TOWEL, STATUE, FIGURINE, JESUS
IN EVERY POSITION, JESUS HITTING A BASEBALL.
JESUS EATING A PICKLE.
EVERY KIND OF LIKE POSTER, PICTURE, IF YOU GO INTO HER
HOME, IT LOOKS LIKE SHE'S TRYING TO SOLVE A JESUS-BASED CRIME.
(APPLAUSE) LIKE WHAT DID JESUS DO?
YOU GUYS, THANK YOU SO MUCH.
I AM WALLY BARAM.
>> Stephen: WALLY BARAM, EVERYBODY.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK