LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
YOU'RE INTENSE WITH YOUR SCREAM, MADAME, YOU REALLY, HAVE A SEAT,
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE 2016 ELECTION JUST KEEPS GETTING
CRAZIER.
IT REALLY DOES.
YESTERDAY TED CRUZ, THE MAN MATHEMATICALLY ELIMINATED FROM
BECOMING PRESIDENT, PICKED HIS VICE PRESIDENT.
(LAUGHTER) CRUZ CHOSE CARLY FIORINA AS HIS
RUNNING MATE.
I KNOW.
CARLY FIORINA WHAT A TRAIL BLAZER.
(LAUGHTER) THE FIRST WOMAN EVER TO LOSE THE
REPUBLICAN NOMINATION TWICE IN THREE MONTHS.
LIKE AGAIN, JUST TO BE CLEAR, THERE IS NO WAY TED CRUZ COULD
EVEN GET THE NOMINATION.
HE'S NOW LIKE A SIX-YEAR OLD, PRETENDING TO BE PRESIDENT,
RIGHT?
(LAUGHTER) I'M PRETTY SURE WE'RE GOING TO
SEE TED CRUZ DRIVEK AROUND IN A MINI VAN WITH AIR FORCE ONE
SPRAY PAINTED ON THE SIDES.
HE'LL BE DRESSING UP ALL OF HIS DAUGHTER'S DOLLS LIKE VISORS
GOING YES, THAT IS A GOOD POINT ABOUT HEALTH CARE, THANK YOU
MALIBU BARBIE.
AND WE ARE BASICALLY ONE-- NO, PLEASE, SIR, THANK YOU.
WE ARE BASICALLY ONE MONTH AWAY FROM CRUZ HOLDING HIS OWN
REPUBLICAN NATIONAL CONVENTION AT THE HOOTERS IN TEXAS.
LIKE BECOMING TED CRUZ'S RUNNING MATE WAS A HORRIBLE DECISION FOR
CARLY FIORINA.
AND IN LESS THAN 24 HOURS SHE SHOW MANAGED TO MAKE A DECISION
THAT WAS EVEN WORSE.
AND THAT WAS SINGING AT A CAMPAIGN RALLY.
>> BUT WE'VE BEEN TRAVELING AROUND THE COUNTRY.
AND I HAVE COME TO KNOW TED AND HEIDI AND CAROLLINE AND
CATHERINE.
♪ I KNOW TWO GIRLS THAT I JUST ADORE ♪ I AM SO HAPPY I CAN SEE
THEM MORE.
♪ CUZ WE TRAVEL ON THE BUS ALL DAY.
♪ WE GET TO PLAY.
♪ I WON'T BOREE YOU WITH ANY MORE OF THE SONG.
>> James: TRUSTUS, CARLY, NOBODY WAS BORED.
BORE DOM WAS DEFINITELY NOT THE EMOTION WE FELT WHEN WATCHING
THAT.
BAFFLED, YES.
TRANSFIXED, SURE.
FILLED WITH EMBARRASSMENT, ABSOLUTELY.
BUT NOT BORED.
NO ONE WAS BORED.
I MEAN I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO FIRST, BEYONCE RELEASES LEMONADE
AND NOW THIS?
IT'S A HISTORIC WEEK FOR MUSIC.
CARLY FIORINA ACTUALLY HAS AN ANGELIC VOICE, SHE DOES, IN THE
WAY THAT TED CRUZ HAS AN ANGELIC FACE.
(LAUGHTER) (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
AT THE END.
DAY, CARLY FIORINA REMINDED US ALL WHAT BEING THE VICE
PRESIDENT IS ALL ABOUT.
AND THAT IS SINGING SONGS ABOUT THE PRESIDENT'S CHILDREN.
BUT IT'S CLEAR THAT WILL THERE ARE CERTAIN PLACES YOU SHOULD
NEVER SING.
ONE IS A CAMPAIGN RALLY.
THE OTHER IS IN A COURT ROOM BUT THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED IN
MICHIGAN RECENTLY WHERE A MAN WHO WAS STANDING TRIAL TRIED TO
SHOW HE WAS REMORSEFUL FOR HIS CRIME BY SERENADING THE JUDGE
DURING HIS SEN TENSION AM CHECK IT OUT.
>> I WROTE A SONG.
HELLO THERE.
♪ I WANT TO SAY I'M SORRY.
♪ FORS THINGS I'VE DONE.
♪ I TRY AND BE STRONGER.
♪ SORRY, SORRY, SORRY.
>> James: ALL OF HIS LAWYERS, YOU COULD SEE HIS LAWYERS
SITTING THERE GOING OH, THAT WAS NOT THE DEFENSE WE REHEARSED.
I TOLD YOU TO DO SOMETHING MORE UPBEAT LIKE A SHOW TUNE.
I MEAN LUCKILY NO ONE WAS HURT.
THE MAN LAS BEEN CHARGED WITH CARRYING A CONCEALED WEAPON.
THAT WEAPON HE WAS CONCEALING WAS HIS KILLER VOICE.
IF I'M NOT MISTAKEN HE WAS SINGING TO THE TUNE OF AN ADELE
SONG, RIGHT?
WHICH IS IRONIC BECAUSE SOON HE'S GOING TO BE SAYING HELLO
FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF SOME PRISON BASSER.
(APPLAUSE) BARS.
>> WHAT'S REALLY COOL IS THAT YOU CAN SEE ON THAT, HALFWAY
THROUGH THE SONG, THE JUDGE HIT A RED BUTTON AND SPUN AROUND IN
HIS CHAIR AND WENT THAT'S THE VOICE I'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR.
YOU'RE GOING TO HOLLYWOOD MAXIMUM SECURITY PRISON.
THE JUDGE HEARD THIS MAN'S APOLOGY.
AND HE DID TAKE HIS REMORSE INTO CONSIDERATION.
AND HE RESPONDED BY SAYING, YES, IT'S TOO LATE TO SAY SORRY.