From fanfiction.net user SnowQueensIceDragon
and the screenwriter who married
fanfiction.net user SnowQueensIceDragon
comes another horrifying reminder
that your aunt probably gets off to this.
Fifty Shades Darker.
You marveled at the first movie's total lack of sex appeal.
Now the steamiest story -- you can buy it at
Target. It's back, and it's cranking the
naughty down from room temp to ice-cold
in this two hour movie that only has
about ten minutes of actual sex in it
where they scale back the bondage (Ow!) and
amp up the normal boring couple stuff.
You want a vanilla relationship?
No! That is not why I wore an overcoat to the
theater.
The big voice guy doesn't want vanilla.
He wants some rocky road!
Future murder victim Anastasia Steele returns, and
she's suddenly into all the kinky stuff
she used to hate for some reason.
Christian: Last time we did this you left.
Anastasia: Last time was different.
Watch as she spends an entire movie attempting in
vain to show human emotion.
Christians: Hides out. We've been fired.
Anastasia: Whoa.
Being stalked by
almost half a dozen different people
including... a ghost?
And expressing her only personality trait:
a general lack of knowledge about what
should and shouldn't be put in her butt.
Anastasia: What are butt plugs? You're not putting those in my butt.
Christian: (scoffs) They don't go in your butt.
Look if you're going to
date a guy with a sex dungeon, you really
need to get your butt stuff figured out.
If you thought Christian Grey was a
creep before, you ain't seen nothing yet.
Watch as this walking red flag stalks
his ex-girlfriend into submission.
Christian: Have dinner with me.
Anastasia: Okay fine. I will have dinner with you.
Steals her financial information.
Anastasia: Why do you have my bank account details?
Buys the company she works for.
Anastasia: You can't start interfering in my career.
Christian: It's not about that.
Takes her to meet the older
woman who scarred him for life.
Anastasia: Why would you take me to meet the woman who
seduced and abused you?
And basically
admits that he spanks her because he wants to beat up his dead mom.
Christian: I get off on punishing women-- women who look like you--
Anastasia: Like your mother.
Seriously. Who actually thinks this movie
is sexy?
Anastasia: It's all wrong. All of this is wrong.
That's exactly what I've been saying!
But who cares about the plot or characters?
You're here for the sex, and there's
definitely some of that in this. Witness
sex scenes that draw with the
imagination of a Bible study group.
Featuring two scenes of missionary with
his pants on. One scene of doggystyle
with his pants on. An unrated bonus scene
of doggystyle with his pants on. A shower
scene with his pants on. And a finale
where they really push the envelope by
doing missionary with. His. Pants. Offfff.
The only thing less sexy than these sex
scenes is how much these two seem like
they actually hate each other in real
life. I imagine a lot of sex scenes. Ughhh.
That's the look of two people regretting a
paycheck. Starring: these actual quotes
from the Fifty Shades Darker book that
didn't make it into the movie.
(music) This movie's written so lazy right now. The book that it's based on so lazy right now
(music) I wish somebody would taze me right now. This story's bout as sexy as rabies right now.
At least no one was dumb enough to let that phrase in the movie.
Anastasia: I was being romantic, and then you just go and distract me with your kinky f*ckery.
OH COME ON.
(music) Oh oh, just go, and watch a porno.
Fifty fifty chance I don't make it through the next one.
You know what the most messed up
thing about Christian Grey is? The framed
Chronicles of Riddick poster in his
bedroom. Run, Anastasia, run!
"I'm Mary
Poppins y'all."
"Trash Panda."
"I'm wearing women's underwear and I like it!"
"Don't wizz on the electric fence."
"My name is Oliver Queen, and I the fastest man alive.
After I blew up those time masters I was sent to earth to protect my cousin."