NOW, RIGHT OFF THE TOP OF THE SHOW HERE, I WANTED TO TALK
ABOUT SOME STORIES ABOUT COMPUTERS PHONES AND TECH STUFF
LIKE THAT.
HERE'S THE THING.
I THOUGHT WHEN I DECIDED TO DO THIS WE HAD A REGULAR TECH
SEGMENT ON THE SHOW THAT HAD GRAPHICS AND EVERYTHING, CALLED
"TECH TALK," OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
AND THIS IS TRUE.
WE DON'T.
AND THE FIRST TIME WE DID ONE OF THESE SEGMENTS, BACK IN OCTOBER,
I THOUGHT WE HAD ALL THOSE GRAPHICS THEN, TOO, AND WE
DIDN'T, AND I FORGOT TO ASK ANYONE TO MAKE ANY.
SO AT THE LAST MINUTE BACK THEN, WE JUST DECIDED TO CALL THE
SEGMENT DIGITAL-DOO AND I PLAYED A DIGERIDOO.
THAT HAD ELECTRONIC BUTTONS ON IT OR SOMETHING.
AND THE REASON FOR THAT IS BECAUSE "DIGERI" SOUNDS A LITTLE
LIKE "DIGITAL," AND ALSO BECAUSE I HAVE A DIGERIDOO IN MY
OFFICE, WHICH I DON'T ACTUALLY KNOW WHY.
SO, AGAIN, TODAY, BECAUSE I WAS MISTAKEN ABOUT WHAT GRAPHICS WE
HAD READY, THIS IS STEPHEN COLBERT'S DIGITAL-DOO.
( APPLAUSE )
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
IT'S AN INSTRUMENT OF ENORMOUS SUBTLETIY.
NOW, I'M REALLY EXCITED TO TALK ABOUT THIS STORY I'M ABOUT TO
TALK ABOUT, AND I'M SO EXCITED I DON'T KNOW IF I HAVE WORDS TO
EXPRESS MY EXCITEMENT.
LUCKILY, IT'S 2016, AND MOST WORDS HAVE BEEN REPLACED BY
EMOJIS.
AND I USE EMOJIS SOMETIMES.
USUALLY WHEN I COMMUNICATE WITH MY WIFE AND DAUGHTER.
I GENERALLY DON'T USE EMOJIS AT OTHER TIMES.
I ENJOY THEM, BUT I DON'T UNDERSTAND ALL OF THEM.
BUT TONIGHT I REALLY WANT TO USE THEM BECAUSE I'M FEELING VERY
HAPPY FACE.
PARTY POPPER.
DOLPHIN.
ONE REASON I'M FEELING SO VERY DOLPHIN TONIGHT IS THAT THERE'S
SOME BIG NEWS OUT OF THE UNICODE CONSORTIUM.
YEAH, THAT UNICODE CONSORTIUM, WHICH I DON'T HAVE TO TELL YOU
PEOPLE IS THE NONPROFIT RESPONSIBLE FOR APPROVING ANY
NEW EMOJIS.
AND YOU KNOW ANY NEW EMOJIS ARE GOING TO BE GOOD.
THESE ARE THE SAME GUYS WHO CAME UP WITH FIVE DIFFERENT
KINDS OF BOATS, PROBABLY FOR ALL THOSE SAILORS OUT THERE WHO
ARE GETTING GREAT WIFI.
AND THEY HAVE JUST APPROVED A REVOLUTIONARY NEW EMOJI WITH
ONE RAISED EYEBROW, WHICH, NO LESS THAN THE PRESIDENT OF THE
UNICODE CONSORTIUM, IS CALLING "THE COLBERT EMOJI."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND IT IS AN UNCANNY
RESEMBLANCE.
THAT'S ME WHEN I HAVE JAUNDICE.
NOW, THE UNICODE CONSORTIUM SAYS THE COLBERT EMOJI CONVEYS
"SKEPTICISM, ACCOMPANIED BY THE CONCEPTS OF DISAPPROVAL AND MILD
SURPRISE."
OH, REALLY?
I'M NOT SO SURE ABOUT THAT.
I WILL SAY THAT THIS IS THE CORRECT SURPRISE-- BRING THEM
BACK.
BRING THEM BACK.
I WILL SAY THAT THIS IS THE CORRECT SURPRISE-TO-EYEBROWS
RATIO.
This is MILD SURPRISE: ONE EYEBROW.
FULL SURPRISE: TWO EYEBROWS.
MILD, FULL, MILD, FULL.
OTHER MILD FULL.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND TO BRING THIS NEW EMOJI TO
MARKET IS NO SMALL FEAT.
THE INVENTOR OF THIS EMOJI HAD TO FILL OUT A 53-QUESTION FORM
AND SUBMIT A 2,700-WORD PROPOSAL, WHICH WAS THEN DEBATED
BY THE UNICODE TECHNICAL EMOJI SUBCOMMITTEE BEFORE MOVING
ON TO THE OFFICIAL CANDIDATE FOR INCLUSION IN THE UNICODE
STANDARD.
OBVIOUSLY, THERE IS A SIMPLER ANSWER STARING US IN THE TINY
YELLOW FACE.
JUST PRESENT YOUR EMOJI AND LET THE COMMITTEE VOTE THUMBS UP OR
POOP.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
AND HERE'S THE-- THAT'S STILL KIND OF POSITIVE.
AND HERE'S THE THING.
IT'S SUCH A BYZANTINE PROCESS, WE MIGHT NOT SEE MY EMOJI, OR
ME-MOJI, UNTIL 2017, WHICH IS FINE.
I KNOW, I KNOW, I KNOW.
BUT IT'S FINE.
IT'S FINE.
I'M SURE WE WON'T NEED AN EMOJI THAT MEANS SKEPTICISM AND
DISSAPOINTMENT DURING THIS ELECTION YEAR.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
ANYWAY, IT'S GOING TO BE GREAT.
MY OWN EMOJI.
YOU CAN'T BUY THIS KIND OF PUBLICITY.
AND FOR ONCE, I DIDN'T.
BUT, I'VE GOT TO SAY, THIS IS NOT THE ONLY EXPRESSION I CAN
MAKE.
I'M NOT SOME ONE-FACE PONY.
THE UNICODE CONSORTIUM IS WELCOME TO CREATE AN EMOJI BASED
ON THIS FACE, OR THIS FACE, WHICH I CALL TRYING TO BE POLITE
BUT WORRIED THAT THE ELDERLY RELATIVE YOU'RE TALKING TO IS
GOING TO SAY SOMETHING RACIST.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
OKAY, AUNT RITA, YOU ADMIRE ASIANS, BUT WHAT?
HERE'S ONE I CALL "ELF EXPOSING HIMSELF IN THE PARK."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THIS WILL MAKE A GOOD EME-MOJI.
THIS IS "GIVING UP YOUR SUBWAY SEAT FOR A PREGNANT LADY AND
MAKING SURE EVERYONE SAW."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
AND FINALLY, THIS IS PRETENDING TO BE SURPRISED
WATCHING "GAME OF THRONES" WITH YOUR SPOUSE WHEN YOU SECRETLY
WATCHED IT ALONE LAST WEEK.
"WHAAAAAT...?
THEY KILLED WHO!
NO WAY."
AS SOON AS THESE NEW EMOJIS HIT THE MARKET, I'M SURE I WILL MAKE
A TON OF MONEY.
OH, WAIT, NO.
YOU DON'T GET PAID FOR EMOJIS.
WELL, I'VE GOT JUST THE EMOJI FOR THAT.