Andale, bro, you gonna get broke today, bro.
What's your name, bro?
Andale, what's your name?
I was like, oh, man my name is Mohammed.
He's like, what?
For real, bro?
You look exactly like Hector!
I swear to God, bro!
He was like, Hector, Hector, come check it out, ah dude!
Check it out, bro, we found your doppelganger!
Tell Ahuro, bro!
Tell Ahuro!
And the fucked up part is, Hector came out,
I was like, holy shit I do look like Hector!
Mohammed has the ball.
Mohammed pass the ball to Mohammed!
Mohammed to Ahmed, Ahmed to Hamed!
Hamed to Mohammed!
Mohammed to Mohammed!
Mohammed, Mohammed, Mohammed!
Goooooaaaaaaaaal!
I was like, hello, Mom!
Yeah, going to school later Mommy?
Yeah, all right, yeah.
Amigo, tu eres un nuevo aqui.
Golly mayne, why do you talk like that, eh?
And that was my teacher, you know?
It was fucked up.
You ashamed of your own peoples, bro?
You ashamed your own people?
This is your familia, bro!
Your (speaking foreign language) bro!
You ashamed of your own peoples, bro?
And he was like, say Jose!
You in the wrong motherfucking neighborhood Jose!
You done fucked up today, Jose!
Where your crew at, Jose?
I'm looking around for Jose.
I'm like, who the hell is Jose?
It's like, come on, man!
My name is Mohammed!
He goes, ah man!
Salam alaikum brother, shit, my bad!
Hey, boy!
Hey, boy, you one of them Arabs, huh?
You one of them muslims, huh?
I'd be like, no!
Dude, you crazy, Shit!
Yo agresso mi país mexico!
And just get the fuck out of there!
What is your occupation?
I was like, oh, I'm a comedian.
Comedian?
Yeah, yeah, I do stand up comedy.
Stand up comedy?
I was like, yeah, man, I do comedy.
Comedy?
Yeah, I do stand up comedy.
Stand up comedy?
Yeah, I'm a comedian.
Comedian?
Am I being roasted right now?
What's happening?
It's like, what is going?
Finally, his friend walks in.
I was so relieved, somebody else walked in.
And he goes, hey, comedian.
He goes, oh yeah, comedian!
He's like a Bill Crosby!
Oh, oh, oh,
Oh, hello Mohammed.
Yeah, oh, oh, we need your fumb prints, yeah?
Just one more time, your fumb prints, so.
I was like, oh, you mean thumb prints?
He's like, that's what I said, yeah?
Fumb prints.
Don't correct my English, I speak the Queen's English!
He's like, yeah, yeah, you just walk down this street, yeah?
You make the first left, yeah?
Second right, yeah?
And then the hotel's gonna be on the left-hand side, innit?
I'm like, I don't know, is it motherfucker?
I'm lost!
I'm not British!
I'm Australian!
Aussie, Aussie, Aussie!
And all these Australians popped up
like little fucking minions, oy, oy, oy, oy, oy, oy!
I was like, oh, shit, whoa!
Hey, time out!
And Sweden's like, we'll take the blue
but we also fancy yellow, okay?
We want the German yellow!
We're like, all right, give them the German yellow, jeez!
Shut the fuck up, Sweden, you know?
No, fuck you, we will not be red,
white, and blue anymore, okay?
We will be communist USSR Russia, okay?
We will take over surrounding countries
and we will be most powerful super power.
Fuck you! Okay?
Vodka.
Okay, okay, okay, no more red flag
with the old hammer sigil, okay?
Okay, we will give back independence
to surrounding countries, okay.
Every once in a while I will fuck Ukraine!
That's the deal.
We will go back to red, white, and blue.
Okay, okay.
We will be democratic as well.
Win elections by 99% but no one is counting, okay?
But, in 30 years we will infiltrate
your electoral system and give you the shittiest,
weirdest presidential experience you've ever had!
And don't forget about our secret weapon, Kanye West.
It's weird.
I can see Kanye West in KGB meetings.
She give me money, do that one Kanye, come on, do that one!
I like that one, give me money, I like that one's good.
Oh, oh!
Today big day, today big day!
I was like, um?
Is this the American citizenship office?
She's like, ah, yeah, yeah, you in the right place.
Come in, come in, come in!
Sit down, sit down, sit down!
Wow.
She goes, okay, fuck question.
I was like, what?
Did you just say fuck question?
She didn't even stutter!
She was like, yeah, yeah, fuck question.
She goes, okay.
Who the fuck president of the United States?
I went.
I was like, Bush.
She was like, correct, ah!
She was like, come on, I know you pray.
I look at your file.
You've been waiting here 20 year.
Here's a Mohammed key chain, congratulations!
Get out of here. I was like, oh!