- He's got it so good,
and I gotta stop spoiling him.
I spoil him too much.
It sucks.
The reason why I spoil him is 'cause
I didn't have shit when I was a kid.
We were broke as shit.
And now that I can afford it,
I'm buying everything.
And yes, it's for him, but he doesn't know
that it's actually for us.
(audience laughs)
All that cool shit he has,
I want it too.
(audience laughs)
I want it so bad.
This Christmas, pissed me off.
I go, "Joe, you want a PS4 for Christmas?"
He goes, "Nah."
I go, "Why the fuck not?"
(audience laughs and claps)
You're selfish, bro.
(audience laughs)
I want all that shit.
I want all those toys.
And I'm holding back, but it's hard.
It's so damn hard.
We went to the mall, this is like
seven months ago, eight months ago, whatever.
And the kiosk, with the hover boards, ah shit.
And my son got on it like a fuckin' natural.
He just got on, he was like, "Oh my God!"
"Dad!"
(audience laughs)
"Dad!"
"I gotta have this, Dad!"
"I gotta have this."
And I just looked at him, and this is what
I said in my head, I go like this,
I go, "Yes, we do."
(audience laughs)
But I was being a good dad.
I was like, no, I can't buy that for you.
He goes, "Why not?"
I go, "Because you have a C minus in math.
And I can't reward you for that.
Bring the grade up to like a B,
and I'll buy it for you."
My son was like this, "Are you serious right now?"
(audience laughs)
And then this is what I said,
I swear to God I went like this,
"I know, right?"
(audience laughs)
Why'd you fail the test man?
We both left that mall just fucking crying.
(audience laughs)
I wanted that hover board so bad.
And I told him, I go, "Joe, I'll buy you that
hover board, I'm gonna get you a tutor,
and she's gonna help you with your math.
You bring the grade up, it's done."
Right? So I get the tutor,
this is how shitty of a dad I am,
just for one week with the tutor,
he has a quiz the following week.
Four out of five right.
Doesn't even apply to the grade.
And I just look down and go like this,
"Look at you, Einstein."
(audience laughs)
"Looks like we need to go to the mall
and get something, don't we?"
(audience laughs and claps)
And I got that hover board.
Oh, I fucking love that thing.
(audience laughs)
I ride it every morning.
(silly sounds)
(audience laughs)
You want cereal?
(audience laughs)
"Yes, Dad."
I'll be right back.
(silly sounds)
(audience laughs)
I crashed on that hover board.
Holy shit.
I got wood floors at my house.
This is what it sounded like when I crashed,
(thumps stool twice)
Twice, 'cause I skipped across the floor.
(audience laughs)
And this is how old I am.
When I finally landed, this is what I said,
I went, "Ugh."
"Ugh, fucking hip."
(audience laughs)
"Ugh my fucking hip is broken."
And my son doesn't give two shits about me,
he came around the corner and went like this,
"Dad? Where's my hover board?"
(audience laughs)
Fuck you, Joe.
(audience laughs)
Fuck you.
Don't buy that hover board.
I don't even know why they sell it in America,
I don't know how they got past inspection.
They're dangerous.
When the battery's dead it doesn't even tell you.
(audience laughs)
I swear to God, it just stops mid-ride.
And then it catapults you across the living room
at 17 miles per hour.
I'm flying through the air with a bowl of cereal like,
"What the fuck?"
"Shit!"
(light jazzy music)