- And that's why you should never
stick your hand inside a whale.
(bell rings)
Before you leave, I just wanna say
that one of you is flunking the class this semester.
(student laughs)
Steve, in the interest of privacy, it's you.
Wait, I meant to say, in the interest of privacy,
I can't tell you who it is.
- I can't flunk this class, my parents will ground me.
- Listen I do have a solution.
It sounds a little crazy.
- Crazy's good.
I sometimes pour yogurt on my dog's ass.
- Why don't you try studying?
- Hm, studying.
Schoolwork.
Work hard, grades go up,
feel better about myself.
No.
- Well I do have another solution,
but it involves doing a couple of favors.
- I love doing favors.
I'm a favor guy.
You know, party favors,
I can come to your house and do a personal favor.
(teacher laughs)
- Hoo, favors. (laughs)
Off with you, favors.
Favors!
- What're you doing?
- Uh, nothing.
Dismissed.
- I'm stuck.
- I'm Professor Rich, expert in science.
These are my devoted students.
Together, with the aid of harmless drugs,
we explore science's greatest hypothetical questions.
(cheesy '80s music)
There are many things
that change the chemicals in your brain.
Yes?
- Once I ate a snowflake.
- And?
- There has to be an and?
- The bottom line is,
that there are many foods that affect our brain, like this.
Thank you Steve.
Let's apply this thought to our hypothetical.
What if milk got you high?
- Oh. - Yes.
No.
- Milk contains tryptophan,
an amino acid that actually makes us sleepy.
- Awesome.
Give Mike a plus please. - Yes!
- Wait a second.
Why is Steve doing all this stuff for you?
Did you catch him masturbating or something?
- Steve is a little bit slow and lazy, okay?
So he's my new teacher's assistant.
Introduce yourself.
- Hey assholes, it's me.
Don't mess around with me or I'll sit on you.
(students snickering) It's not funny!
- I don't feel high yet.
- No!
After popping a ladle full of Xanax,
I decided to speak to an expert who took milk seriously,
and, wore a hairnet.
So this is where the milk is made.
- Correct. - Okay.
And so, I'm reading this, it says raw milk supply.
I'm assuming this is where the raw milk supply comes in?
- Yes.
- How does milk make us feel when we drink it?
Could it make you actually high or intoxicated?
- I don't think it can
necessarily make you high or intoxicated,
unless maybe it's um,
been out in a field, or something,
underneath the sun, or something like that.
There might be a post-chemical reaction
to the body that way.
- What about him, does he work here?
- Um.
Shoot, what is he still, what're you still doing here?
- Class, it's experiment time,
and I've got glasses of milk for each of you.
Please pick one up.
And drink.
There you go.
Got a little on you, chin.
What do you think? - Tastes like rum.
- Well that's because it is dark Cuban rum, yes.
The simulation worked.
Not only was I wasted, but addicted as well.
I needed to get help.
What is it that makes something more addictive than another?
- It's a combination of things.
So one is just the rewarding properties of it,
just how it makes people feel.
If someone does something with friends,
and it's related to hanging out with those friends,
they're more likely to keep doing it.
- What about milk for example?
Does that give you some kind of euphoria?
- Uh, sugar can activate the reward centers of the brain,
but I don't know if milk can.
- You've been kind of skirting around the issue.
I'm gonna ask you definitively.
- Okay. - Does milk get you high?
- No, people have been drinking milk for a very long time.
We have a lot of data, both anecdotal and scientific,
that shows that milk definitely does not have any
mind-altering or, (lullaby)
rewarding, effects.
- So then I wound up eating stale Chik-fil-A
out of a dumpster with no pants on.
- Wow, milk's cool.
- No, it is not.
Milk should be regulated.
Like cars or businesses,
or those weird pedicure places where the fish eat your feet.
- Regulations, exactly.
Steve!
Dance.
(students laugh)
- Stop, stop!
Shut up!
Stop, shut up!
Steve?
Why are you demeaning yourself like this?
- Because I'm failing this class,
I have no other choice.
- This is a self-grading class.
We're all getting A pluses, man.
- Is that true?
- Well I may have forgotten to mention it.
- No, I remember.
You specifically told us not to tell Steve--
- Hey look, a rat.
Is he even being honest?
- [Milk Expert] It's time to go, come on.