I feel like I have to address
something that I'm
sure 100% of the people
in the audience are thinking of.
And no, I did not plan this sweater
to match the background.
(audience laughing)
This is a coincidence.
I showed up 3 hours ago
and I said to the backdrop,
one of us
is going to have to change.
This is embarrassing.
(audience laughing)
If anybody, maybe some of you
did see the first Dry Bar special
that I did.
It had 9 million views on YouTube.
It's kind of crazy, 9 million views,
so--
(audience applauding)
Thank you so much for watching it,
those of you that did.
I really appreciate it.
It's great.
And those of you that watched it,
the first one was all about being
married and having stepkids.
So you can tell that's different,
already.
That's something that happened.
In three years I got divorced.
It's not fun, you know, divorce,
it's not fun.
And I still got the stepkids though.
I'm still, I think I am.
I mean, I don't know technically
what the job title is, but it's
a weird--
I can tell you this.
I go to their marching band
competitions and people are
like, "which kids are yours?"
And I'm like, none of them.
I love this band.
It's a weird--
(audience laughing)
I still love the kids.
You divorce the wife, not the kids.
That's what the dad says in Clueless
to explain why Paul Rudd's
in the movie.
So that's the way I live my life,
(audience laughing)
according to Clueless.
I was their third parent too.
I was number three, I came in number
three.
And then the dad got remarried.
There's a fourth parent.
Now there's a chance their mom
could get married again.
Five parents.
It's stressful for kids
to have five parents, isn't it?
And people say families are getting
smaller.
They're not.
They're the same size.
They're just expanding
at different levels than we used to.
Five.
My poor kids are like,
we didn't even expect to have
the fifth one.
This one is a surprise to us.
(audience laughing)
Ever since we were little,
we were always like, we want four.
Two boys, two girls, that's it
for us.
We should have been on parent
control or something.
This one's a real surprise.
(audience laughing)
It's stressful for them.
We've got to get a van
to get these parents around to all
our activities.
We'd love to go minivan for the gas
mileage,
but we've got to go full size van.
Some of these parents
don't get along with each other,
if you can believe it.
Driving around,
calm down back there!
Hey, stop touching your ex-wife.
(audience laughing)
They're good-- they're older now.
They're 19 and 17.
And if you have teenagers
in your life and you miss them
and you want to talk to them,
change your Netflix password.
That's how you get a hold of them.
(audience laughing)
I got Netflix, Amazon, Hulu.
I talk to them four or five times
a week, if I feel like it.
(audience laughing)
And sometimes I feel I don't get
enough attention from them.
But that's just typical
middle parent syndrome.
Everyone knows about that.
(audience laughing)
I'm into Instagram targeted ads now.
That's what I'm into now.
That's how I pass my time,
I go on Instagram
and I look at the target ad.
All these clothes I'm wearing,
I bought off an Instagram
targeted ad.
If you want these clothes,
I don't even know how to tell you
to get them.
You got to click everything
I clicked for a whole year,
then you can land some of these.
(audience laughing)
First thing I ever bought
was Bombas socks.
They're great socks.
Great company, Bombas socks.
We've got some fans over here.
Here's what I love about them,
they got a L on the left sock
and are R on the right side.
(audience cheering)
I had been guessing until I got
these Bombas socks.
(audience laughing)
My whole life would have been
different.
(audience laughing)
I had to go back in the real world,
though.
My first real world purchase
was a piñata.
I was invited to a party
and I thought it'd be fun to bring
a piñata,
because there's going to be kids
there.
So I went to a store called Party City,
the discount party superstore.
You guys familiar with it?
Party City, the discount superstore.
One day, if enough people watch
this special, I'll be shopping
at a full priced party superstore.
(audience laughing)
But for now that's still
in my future.
Here's what I love about Party City.
All of you
were familiar with the store when I
brought it up.
But none of you have something
from that store
in your house right now.
That's a cool business plan
to sell garbage.
(audience laughing)
Everything they sell
is designed to be thrown away
the day after you bought it.
If you have stuff in your house
from Party City right now,
you probably also have a sad kid
that recently had a poorly attended
birthday party.
- Aw.
- You try to make your little kid feel
better, "hey buddy,
"I know nobody showed up,
"but you can eat off these Batman
"plates for the rest of the month.
"All right, now clean up.
"It's time for bed."
(audience laughing)
So I bought the piñata.
And then I said to the guy
there at the Party City,
I also need some string.
And they don't sell it.
They don't sell it there.
I guess it lasts too long.
I don't know why they wouldn't
sell string.
They're selling piñatas
and you need string for the piñata
to be fun.
Do people show up to parties
with loose piñatas?
Just you let the kids figure it out
on their own.
Just put this in a group of kids
and let them kick it till the candy
comes out.
Kids are more sensitive these days.
They probably talk to the piñata
till the candy comes out probably.
Just start asking the piñata
questions, and then eventually
the piñata will pick up some box
cutters and open himself out.
Just bleed out his Twix
so he can stop answering
the questions.
(audience laughing)
So I have this piñata, and then I
have to go on a quest to buy string.
And it was surprisingly more
difficult to buy string than you
would think.
Not many places sell it.
I went to Target.
I asked if they sold string.
The guy there, he didn't even heard
of string before.
(audience laughing)
I asked for string, this guy looked
at me like I asked if they sold
jet packs.
He didn't even know what it was.
And then I said, it's like twine,
which--
smart move on my part
this young man has never heard
of string.
Why don't I take it back a couple
of decades?
(audience laughing)
Then he'll get on board.
(audience laughing)
He said, "is it like rope?"
And I was like,
now we're on the right track.
It is like rope, but it's thinner.
If you can picture it's thinner
than rope and thicker than floss.
That's the sweet spot.
(audience laughing)
That's string my friend.
(audience laughing)
Can you picture a iPhone charger
with no metal in it?
That's exactly what I'm looking for.
(audience laughing)
He said, "maybe we should try
"the seasonal section."
That's on me.
That's my fault. I've forgotten
that string was in season right now.
That's actually my bad.
(audience laughing)
How could I forget that strings
in season when my sinuses are
on fire from all the string
in the air right now?
(audience laughing)
We'll just hang this piñata
from my friend's string tree
and I'll be on my way.
(audience laughing)
We're staying at a nice hotel
tonight.
But my favorite hotel I've ever
stayed at in my life is the
Red Roof Inn in Central Indiana.
You've been to it before?
Word of the hotel
is spreading across the country.
(audience laughing)
First time I ever checked
in this hotel, I said to the guy
at the front desk, $40 a night.
Is it even worth it?
And he said, "well, sir, we have
"a gazebo in the parking lot."
(audience laughing)
I said, why didn't you say so
earlier?
(audience laughing)
I'm calling home for the rest
of my things.
I live here now.
(audience laughing)
Gazebo was very fun.
I love a gazebo.
It's had two signs on.
The first sign says,
"use at your own risk.
"Hotel not responsible for accidents."
And I've been thinking about it
for over a year now and I still
can't think of what type of accident
could take place in a gazebo.
(audience laughing)
I always thought of a gazebo
as a safe space.
I think if something dangerous was
happening, I'd be like, quick,
let's get in the gazebo.
Nothing bad will happen here.
It's chill.
It's not like a pergola or anything.
This is a laid back environment.
(audience laughing)
The second sign on it says,
"for hotel guests only."
Yeah, I guess a lot of riff raff
from town
have been showing up and using
the gazebo uninvited.
And it was becoming a real problem
for the hotel guests.
They're complaining
at the front desk, "hey, man, my wife
"and I are out there in the gazebo,
"trying to enjoy the view
"of the highway you've provided
"for us.
(audience laughing)
"Meanwhile this local knitting
"circle's taking up all
"the good spots.
(audience laughing)
"How are we supposed to enjoy
"the sights and sounds
"from the Cracker Barrel
"across the street when every couple
"in this town
"is showing up
"to get their engagement photos
"taken."
(audience laughing)
Makes me laugh every time
I think about it.
And sometimes in my life people ask
me this question, if you had a time
machine, where would you go
and what would you do?
And I used to not have an answer
to that question.
But now I do.
Now I know that I would go
to that Red Roof Inn parking lot,
to that gazebo,
on the day before they decided
to put those two signs up.
(audience laughing)
(audience cheering)
Something happened that day,
and I want to be a part of it.
(audience laughing)
How crazy do you think things had
to get for the Red Roof Inn
to be like,
we got to throw some signs up
to stop this from happening again.
(audience laughing)
Even the planning must have been
crazy.
A couple of local guys hanging out.
"Hey, Bud, what do you want to do
"tonight?"
Well, I'll tell you what I really
like to do is party at the gazebo
down at the Red Roof Inn parking lot.
"We probably got to be a guest
"to the hotel or something."
That's where you're wrong,
my friend.
I was there earlier today
for a child's birthday party.
They had a piñata.
The kids didn't know what to do
with it.
No strings.
They were swiping it to try to get
the candy out.
(audience laughing)
But while I was there,
I noticed there's no sign
on the gazebo.
You know what that means, no sign?
That means we can do whatever
we want.
I say we party there tonight.
Let's tell everyone we know.
Let's round up all the gaze-bros.
(audience laughing)
Best part is, if there's
any accidents,
the hotel has to be responsible.
Get the chainsaws and the fireworks,
we're about to have the night
of our lives.