then every once and a while like "Carboni!" "Go!"
"Carboni! Pete!" "Please just go!"
(music)
Do you guys have that friend that everybody has and as soon as they start
dating somebody they just are not your friend anymore they
just disappear into the relationship. So I had this
friend Pete, ok, Pete Carboni. he gets like that. When Pete
Carboni has a girlfriend he's a no-call-returning motherfucker,
like you can just call him twenty times you won't get
anything back so he was dating this girl once named Kelly and
we didn't talk for like a year and at some point you're like
"Alright, I'll fucking hang out when you break up, see you
in eight months." You know, you just know at some point,
that's their pattern. So Pete called me one day and he goes
"Hey Ari, listen I broke up with Kelly." And i was like,
"Fuck yeah, man. congratulations." And he goes
"Listen", he owned up to it he goes "Lsten, I've been a
bad friend and I'm sorry. And I want to make it up to you so I
got some mushrooms so I think we should do these mushrooms to
rekindle our friendship. And I was like "Dude, Pete, you
don't have to do that man, I'm just happy to have you
back in my life. Just to have you around again is good enough,
but I will be there in four minutes because let's do these
mushrooms. I had never done them before, have you guys ever
done them before by round of applause? (cheers) Ok, cool a
few of you have. At the time I had never done them so I was
worried, we didn't know like how long it would take to kick
in, none of this stuff. So we asked our drug dealer cause
that's what you're supposed to do. Always ask your drug
dealer for advice they have a vested interest in keeping you
safe. They want you to come back and our drug dealer said it
would take thirty minutes to kick in so we were like perfect,
here's what we're gonna do. We're going to take these
mushrooms, we're going to go to the Third Street Promenade in
Santa Monica where there's no cars and we can walk around and
have a great time. So we took them, we drove to the Third
Street Promenade. It's like a five minute drive from his
house. Anyways, maybe three minutes on the way, this car passed us,
just this other car on a two lane street just passed us and
we laughed so hard at that. We were just like "dude
(indistinctÓ and at one point one of us was like. "wait this
doesn't seem that funny" and we're like "yeah it's not
that funny- ohhh we're on mushrooms, we're tripping out
right now, they've kicked in. Way too early. Why did we trust
our drug dealer?" So we're like we have to park immediately.
So we're driving to a free parking lot but right then we
passed a five dollar parking lot and he was like "We should
pull over here." And I was like "yes, we should." but even on
mushrooms my judaism does not leave me. Free, exactly, is
always less money than some money. So we thought better be
safe than sorry, let's go to this free parking lot. We got
maybe two blocks of the six blocks we had left and I looked
over and we were in traffic and I looked over and saw a tree in
the sidewalk on the other side of the street and I thought
"man that tree needs some friends. And if he was born in
the forest he'd have tons of friends. but he wasn't he was
born in the fucking sidewalk, and he's got nobody" and I
turned to pete and I'm like "Hey man you thinking what
I'm thinking?" and he was like. "wait, what, no!
There's like a billion thoughts you could have, I'm
definitely not thinking what you're thinking. The odds
of that are just crazy, it's mind blowing, for instance,
I'm thinking we should go hug that tree." "That's
exactly what I was thinking! that's the exact thing!" But
he's like "ok, but let's not get out here because if we
get out in the middle of street it will be weird that we're
just abandoning our car in the middle lane, so i was like
"cool let's go to the free parking lot" so we went to the
free parking lot, forgot about the tree instantly, and as we
were leaving I took my phone and was like, "should I have this
with me?" I didn't know what mushrooms were, I had this
thought that if somebody, like the wrong person texted me I was
going to freak out. Like if my mom texted me I'd just be like
"ah, you know!" and fucking chuck my phone. So I just left
it in the car. I didn't want to deal with it, That doesn't
happen, you shouldn't leave your phone in the car, but
that's not what happened. So we got out, went to the Third
Street Promenade. Now, the Third Street Promenade, if you
haven't been there, is full of families. You feel like a real
degenerate. You're like "I'm on mushrooms, and
that's a four year old." So we both felt kinda weird and
were just like "let's get out of here, let's go see a
movie." So we sat down, got a bunch of popcorn, sat down in
this movie theatre and we were like "This is going to be
awesome" and then the Bruno trailer came on and man we
laughed so hard. People are worried about mushrooms but you
just laugh, we laughed. We just laughed for the first half of
that preview. And then Pete Carboni, he just starts rustling
with his jacket, he has his jacket on, he just starts
rustling with it like this over and over again. And I'm over
here looking at him and I'm like, I don't want to say
anything, but he's been doing that for a while. And then all
of a sudden he just stands up and he just walks out. And I was
like "fuck yeah, Pete's feeling it." So I enjoyed the
rest of the preview myself, it was amazing. Movie started, Pete
didn't come back, and I was like "Where the fuck is he, I
thought he went to the bathroom or something. I was like, "I
should go check for him, but I don't wanna miss this movie,
it's pretty amazing already." And, to tell you
what happened to Pete Carboni, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Pete
Carboni, everybody let him hear it.
So it was about halfway through the trailer...
[laughter]
To the movie
that I started to feel sadder
than I've ever felt in my life before.
I think what was going through my mind is,
I was laughing at the trailer.
I found it really funny, and I was like,
"Yeah, this guy Sacha Baron Cohen's a really funny dude.
He's doing really well in his career," you know?
And then I started to think of my own career as a comedian,
and I started to get a little bit sad.
And that thought just spiraled me
and propelled me out of that room.
I had that feeling that you have,
like, right before you're about to cry hysterically.
I mean, am I right, fellas? Yeah?
And I was in a dark place in my life.
I'd just gotten out of this on-again, off-again
embattled relationship with this girl Kelly.
And Kelly would use the off-again portion
of our relationship
to have sex with some of my friends.
Yes, and this would often inspire me
to take her back again, you know,
to stop that from happening,
which would make us more embattled, you know?
Which would make me break up with her.
The whole thing--it's what an economist might call
a vicious cycle.
So I--like, I got to get out of here.
I'm just not in a good place.
So I jump into a cab, and I say, "551 Sawtelle,"
and the guy must have misheard me.
So he turned around,
and he was like, "Uh, which hotel?"
And normally,
I think I would be able to resolve this misunderstanding.
But in the condition I was in, all I could think to do was,
I pointed in the direction of my apartment,
and I just was like, "Go!
Ari: So I thought I should go out and see if Pete Carboni is
in the lobby. And I also had this other problem where I became
positive that I had peed my pants. And it's dark in a movie theatre
and I couldn't see so I was just trying to feel for it, just like this
in the fucking begining of public enemies. Looking at other
people just like "no, it's not what you think, I just"
Like, they'll never understand. I just pissed myself and I just wanted to check.
It's not what you think, it's nothing bad. And I couldn't feel any liquid and I was like
alright maybe I didn't pee myself. And I was like you know what, here's what I'll do,
I'll go outside, in the lobby in the light and see if I have a pee stain, and that's
how I'll find Carboni if he's out there.
Pete: Please, just go!"
And so the guy just starts driving in that direction,
and I'm like, "Okay, I'm on my way home,"
and then we got to a stop sign.
And it's a weird thing.
When you're on mushrooms,
it messes with your sense of time, you know?
So it felt like I was at this stop sign for, like, a year.
It felt awful.
And so I couldn't help my-- and I just start going,
"Go! Please!
Please go! Just go!"
And then the guy would drive faster,
and then he'd get to the next stoplight sooner.
And then I'd yell "go" again.
I mean, this is another vicious cycle
I found myself in.
So I got out of the cab. I told him to stop, got out.
And I gave him 100 bucks.
And then I turned, and I just started running.
And I was running down Bundy Avenue,
which if you don't know is basically a four-lane highway.
And it's probably too big of a street to be running down,
dressed like this,
as fast as you can
while you're crying hysterically,
Ari: So I went outside, I looked, I didn't see him right away.
I was like "Oh, let' me check my pee stain." I looked, I didn't see a stain
I was like "Oh, fuck yeah. Maybe I didn't pee myself at all."
But then I was like, "wait, what if I peed, so much, that the entire thing
is just one big pee stain."
Pete: as I'm running, I notice ahead of me
a hole, like, in a fence.
And so my instinct is just to go through this hole in the fence.
So I just jumped-- I sort of slide through,
and I wind up in, like, this suburban backyard.
And there's some dude who's, like,
reading a paper on his back porch
as I come in in my sad state.
And I was like, "I'm just...
I'm gonna try the honesty approach."
I walk up to the guy.
I'm like, "Uh, excuse me, sir?
"I'm very sorry, but I'm feeling very sick.
Do you think that maybe you could drive me home?"
And shockingly, this guy says yes.
Ari: So I'm out in the lobby of the Loews going like this just
trying to fucking smell.
Pete: And we got in his car, and, you know,
he starts driving, but then he gets to a stop sign.
And I'm just out of control.
I'm like, "Man, just go!
Ari: I'm like "I don't smell anything. I don't know."
And then every once and a while just like "Carboni!"
Please! Just go!"
"Carboni! Pete!"
And then I was like "alright I should go find him. I don't know where he is.
but I should find him. But I was like wait what if he comes back here, let's just
make the movies the home base. So I watched the movie and every few minutes I was like
"Where the fuck is Pete".
Until finally I felt so bad. I'm just like, this degenerate.
Doing mushrooms on a Monday morning.
And I jump out of his car, and I throw $200 at him.
And he--he says to me.
He's like, "Man, I just drove you, like, five blocks.
It's really"-- And I was like, "Just take it!"
And then I just started running.
And I ran all the way home.
And when I got home, I started to feel a little bit lonely,
and I started to rethink things with Kelly, you know?
It's like, you know, yeah,
she slept with a few of my friends.
Okay.
Maybe I can just take that as,
she finds my friends really charming and attractive.
In a way, that's like a compliment.
Ari: At the end of the movie everybody stood up to leave
and I saw this kid, this 18 year old kid. He was with his grandparents and they stood up
and they were discussing the movie they just saw,
and it was so beautiful.
So I called her, and I asked her to come over,
Ari: I was overcome with emotion.
I was like, this kid is still spending time with his grandparents
that's so fucking wonderful.
And when she got there, I begged her to take me back,
and she did.
I was almost like getting choked up, I was like "my grandparents
are all gone, I'll never get a chance to see public enemies with them."
Pete: And then I kissed her, so passionately.
As so many of my friends had done before me.
Ari: But anyway, I pick up the phone and call Pete.
And then my phone rang,
and it was Ari.
I was like, "Oh, yeah. That's right.
"Like, we were supposed to be doing mushrooms today
"to rekindle our friendship
because I've been such a bad friend."
"Oh no".
And, Ari, do you remember what you said?
(Ari) Yeah, I was worried about you.
So I was like--I was like, "Hey, are you okay?"
Yeah, and I thought he was gonna attack me,
which would've been the right thing to do.
And then I was like, "You know"--
I don't know how to tell him this,
so I was like, "Yeah, I'm good. I'm good.
I'm here with Kelly."
Yeah, I forgot about that.
You were like, "I'm here with Kelly.
We got back together," but I was like...
[sighs]
"All right, well, at least you're all right."
(Pete) Yeah, he was a good sport about it.
And then you--not only that, then he says to me.
He's like, "Hey, man, I just want to let you know
that I love you."
(Ari) I do.
I was really concerned for you.
Yeah, and I was, like, overwhelmed with--
I was like-- That was so nice of you.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
I wouldn't have been that way.
Let me ask you a question.
(Pete) What's that?
Why--why did you have $300 on you?
[laughter and applause]
I think I figured that I was doing something
sort of adventurous that, like,
I should probably bring emergency funds.
- You know? - No, it's--
Just to be safe.
You don't need emergency funds for a mushroom trip.
Oh, yeah, but didn't I need them?
[laughter]
Wouldn't you say that I needed them?
Yeah, you're right. You're right, you did.
And I'm glad you're safe, man.
I'm glad you're safe as well.
Thanks. Pete Carboni, everybody.
Pete Carboni.