I'm doing good, y'all. I just graduated college.
[audience cheering]
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Let me tell you, those were the best seven years of my life,
for that associate's degree.
But you know, we all learn at a different pace.
I'm doing phenomenal.
Not to toot my own horn, but I'm doing great.
I just finished two movies last month.
[applause]
Thank you very much.
I appreciate it.
Appreciate it.
But you know what?
That's the beauty of Netflix, because when
you finish the movie, you don't have to take it back.
There's no fees, you just keep watching it over and over.
It's unbelievable.
You know what, Netflix is making bootleggers step their game up.
I know that.
I'm walking down the street the other day,
bootlegger hops out of nowhere.
He's like, psst!
He was like, yo.
I got diplomas.
What?
He said, I got bachelor's, master's, doctorates,
all for $20.
I was like, man, get your ass outta here.
But then I was like, wait.
Hold on, let me check 'em out.
Because think about it, people.
If you home and you got a degree hanging
on your wall in the case, who is gonna
check the "authenticy" of that?
Wait, I know that's not a word, but who is gonna check?
I told you I got an associate's, like--
You ever been driving and you see somebody you know walking,
but you don't want to make eye contact
because you know if you do, you might have to give them a ride?
What?
That happened to me.
Soon as I got home, my mother was like,
I know you saw me out there!
I said, was that you?
The bus was right there.
Shout out to one of my favorite stores
on the planet, Dollar Tree.
Listen, Dollar Tree is a phenomenal store.
The deals are unbelievable.
I bought a three-piece living room set from the Dollar Tree
last week.
I mean, it was inflatable, but so what?
Like, how do you let that go?
Well, you know what?
Sometimes, no matter how good the deals are,
you've got to say no.
I bought a flu shot from the Dollar Tree.
It was some old do-it-yourself shit, too.
I've been sick ever since.
I'm single.
Let me tell you, dating is tough,
especially when you're famous.
So let me tell you.
I did this event.
I'm gonna put it out there.
I'm trying to date.
I did this event called speed dating.
Anyone ever heard of that?
Speed dating.
Ugh!
Listen, you get 60 seconds to try to sell
yourself to the chick, right?
I get there, I'm ready, I get to the first table.
I don't need even get my whole ass in the chair.
The chick in front of me was like, hell no!
Wait a minute!
I've got 45 more seconds left.
Hell no?
Bitch, I got an associate's.
What?
Hell no?
If anybody's out here-- if any women here
happen to be checking me out, I'm gonna
tell you right now, ladies.
If something pop off, I got us.
I'm what you call a strategist.
Prime example, two weeks ago.
I'm in a club in LA.
Took this young lady with me.
She's by the bar talking to this big dude.
I could care less, for two reasons.
Number one, I'm secure.
And number two, I know karate.
So for some reason, something popped off.
He smacks the shit out of her.
What?
Well, you know what?
I acted like I ain't see it.
I was like, oh, let me mind my business.
Told her she be running her mouth too much.
I was like, you know what?
We came together.
I'm'a do something.
So I start walking towards her.
She starts walking towards me.
She's all crying.
I walk past her.
She said, where you going?
I said, I'm going to get the car.
Because they smacking bitches in here, and this is not the club
we need to be in.
Strategist.
Don't make sense for both of us to be smacked.
I learn from your mistakes.
I just "learnted" karate, it wasn't ready yet.
Y'all enjoy the rest of the show.
Thank you very much.
Appreciate it.