Hey everybody. This week on Ask Cristen I am not going to answer Abraham Chapman's question
about how Professor Boyfriend and I would make babies, but I am going to talk a little
bit about our bedroom habits because it is relevant and uh, I'm keeping it clean. I'm
just talking about sleeping. What else do you do in a bedroom?
Jovial Canary wanted to know something that I've, I've actually thought about before.
'Is it bad for couples to sleep in different beds? I know it could be bad if they sleep
separately whenever they fight, but what if they just sleep better separately?' As far
as Professor Boyfriend and I go, and I really should start calling him Professor Fiancee
because that's his proper title, I know this for a fact from him, we both sleep better
together than we do separately. The idea of sleeping in a separate bedroom would be strange
for our relationship but it's actually a lot more common than I thought. The most commonly
cited statistic for sleeping separately comes from a 2004 survey from the National Sleep
Foundation which found that 23% of respondents who were married or were in cohabitating relationships
slept separately on a regular basis. The number one culprit: Snoring. Then other things like
having different night time schedules, if someone is a reader while someone is a TV
watcher, or someone has say restless leg syndrome or other things that can make it hard for
two people to share not only a bed but also a bedroom. Due to all these practical reasons
for sleeping apart, a woman has created a blog called 'Sleeping apart, not falling apart',
to advocate on behalf of people like her who intentionally sleep separately from their
spouse for the betterment of their relationship. If you're sleep deprived, obviously you aren't
too happy or chipper and it's harder for you to deal with conflict resolution. You are
just generally unpleasant and that can absolutely take a toll on relationships, not that I've
ever had to deal with that. To Jovial Canary's question of whether it's bad for a relationship
to sleep apart, I think it has to do with why you're sleeping apart. If you're sleeping
apart because you really don't want to be that close to that person and you need some
space all the time, then hah, yeah probably not a good sign. But! If the other person
snores all the time for instance and you get better sleep on the couch or in another bedroom
or on the floor, in the kitchen, I don't know where you like to sleep, it's probably fine,
as long as you don't have to be in your bedroom at night, during sleep hours in order to have
sex. I think that is our biggest conceptual hangup with this idea of intentionally sleeping
separately because culturally we associate the bedroom and the bed and sex together to
the point that on the show 'I Love Lucy' Lucy and Desi slept in separate beds because the,
the, the TV code at the time was like, oh ho ho, you don't show two people in bed at
the same time. No that implies sex. By that same token there's this assumption that people
who sleep in separate beds must have a less intimate, colder, less sexual relationship,
which as some people like sleeping apart, not falling apart lady would say, that's not
really the truth. I think it was this woman who told a writer for 'The Daily Beast' we
just umm, don't have sex in our bed. This week on the show I want to explore more questions
this has raised for me about all of the cultural trappings of our bedroom. Cause y'all there
is a lot going on in our bedroom, so if there is anything bedroom related that you want
me to research, let me know in the comments below and also what do you think about sleeping
separately, do you think it's bad or good? And a huge thank you to everyone's thoughtful,
considerate comments on last week's Ask Cristen video 'Was it Rape?', all this past week I
was talking about sexual assault related topics which honestly was kind of hard and a little
bit draining. I really sincerely appreciate your input as well. Justin Baldwin said, 'I
think clear and explicit consent should be taught to young people in sex ed. I believe
that in sexual situations, both parties need to have a lucid understanding of what will
happen because body language and assumptions sometimes aren't enough.' Charity Fritts also
had a request. 'Can you talk about consent and people with developmental disabilities?
From your Consent 101 video it sounded like these people could never give consent! I hope
this isn't true. It would suck if an entire group of people could never intimate sexual
relationships without incriminating their partners. I also know that this group is the
most susceptible to truly trust-breaking sexual acts because they are often so defenseless
and jerks like to take advantage. Could you shed some light here?' In the future I would
love to talk about some stuff along those lines. In the meantime friends, ask me your
questions so I can give you some answers. Maybe a good night's sleep. Separately.